Sunday’s are a time for reflection. For our son he is not at school but constantly worrying about going back the next day. Constant mood swings. It’s a transition day.

Dealing with death. That’s 5 deaths in 4 years. Again trying to comfort a heartbroken son. A quieter much less fun house. Transitioning to another period of darkness – again. Death is awful and is so so difficult for kids to handle. This grieving process is especially difficult for autistic children.

Trying to refocus for the week ahead yet still so tired from the past week. So many tasks to finish yet so many more tasks to plan.

Son having a couple of hours extra in bed. Hopefully shutting the pain out for a while longer. No laughter, no talking, no warmth. Trying to think about the coming week yet realising the house feels so empty – again.

Hopes for more social interaction yet still strangled by the isolation of the preceding week. Day after day, no phone calls, no chance meetings, no…… I am so so grateful for my friends reading this, you literally are my only connection.

Trying to plan for the educational week ahead yet so frustrated with the constant battles with school. Yes progress but why does it have to be such a tiring fight.

Trying to plan ways to make our son happy yet so broken inside.

I think that’s why Sunday morning is always the time that the icy grasp of sadness is strongest. Especially this Sunday. Ice cold thoughts echo round the confines of our home. Self doubt takes hold. I have never been able to break this cycle. I certainly won’t break it today. Probably never will.

89 thoughts on “Sunday’s, Sunday’s

  1. You’re right and I understand you. I published (only in Italian) this poem on my blog May 12, 2018. I transcribe it here with the hope of making you a welcome thing.

    Of autism

    Because the crying of the woman who gave birth is prolonged
    like an echo between your lips and in your eyes it appears
    that same light in love
    gift of your daughters?
    Why put your hands around
    to the puppies’ temples
    confused by the vortex of people and places,
    of noises and signals that open and close
    with glimpses of sky between the gray of the clouds?

    Hands fall and loneliness buzzes
    like a wasp in their brains.
    Crouched, kneeling in the highest corner of the ceiling
    they look at you terrified in the intimate impenetrable of the heart
    from a reality that frightens them and offends them.
    The blooming of the colors you put before their eyes
    obscured gives a grace to their gestures, to the words that
    from their lips they say: it arrives
    now it arrives. And it is a flower that awaits them. A flower
    that grows and trees
    little ones pushing towards serenity.

     in the silence of the man standing next to you
    there is the calm of the sea that melts the tensions.
    Separate the fragility of puppies from your body
    that makes you weak and gives off a smell of illness that you can not see,
    of exhaustion in your veins.
    Knock at your side and calm your dreams
    even the most profound and the most obscure.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Yes I have had periods when work was really tough. I spent Sundays dreading Monday. I spent Fridays looking forward to the weekend. It is really debilitating to be so stressed out, and you have double. Your son’s stress, and the stress of your efforts to help him. I do hope you will be able to get physical face to face social contacts, they are really strengthening.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. It can even be hit and miss within one school. My dyslexic great niece has just started our new southern school year and her mother is greatly heartened by what other parents say about her new teacher. But the teacher she had last year has made a very poor start this year with a child who is severely visually impaired. Those parents are very concerned. All in one school. It seems likely that what our young lady achieved in the second half of last year may be due more to our efforts after school than the teacher’s efforts. Scary. However she should do well this year.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel like your need all of us bloggers to turn up in Yorkshire and have an impromptu big English breakfast followed by a walk across the moors to burn off all the calories and then a pint at a local to help refuel the calories. Then maybe some impromptu karaoke – not too wild, the type where everyone wants to sing along though. And then huge hugs from every blogger.

    It would be a very small token, I know it wouldn’t really undo the pain and the self-doubt, and probably would leave you even more tired! But it would be one riotous memory to look back on.

    Liked by 6 people

      1. The best karaoke singers are those who cannot hold a tune and let out dire notes – but they are clearly pushing themselves. You would get the loudest cheers from the crowd who would love you for being a trier! People love a trier – often much more than they love a winner.

        Liked by 3 people

  4. Bummer. Really big time. It’s s**t and any ‘this too will pass’ stuff don’t really help. All one can say is you’re aiming forward still which is pretty much it for now. Thinking of you, hoping for you is all I can offer. Bon chance

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Losing a pet is awful at the ‘best’ of times. Losing one that isn’t old and isn’t sick that just pops it’s clogs out of the blue is catastrophic. No pun intended! I’m pretty sure your son is terrified of anything happening to you and what he could do.
    Maybe at some point, a first aid/St Johns/RedCross type course might be helpful. It might make him feel like he isn’t helpless.
    I’d let him wallow for a couple of hours because he needs to grieve but, knowing his propensity to worry, I’d think of something to distract him later. A trip out of the house if weather permits and Mcdonalds or a pizza or somewhere else with other people around. Not so much to be forced amongst them but to just not be alone. Watching is a gentle interaction after all 😊
    This is hard enough as an adult. My heart is breaking for your son right now.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. In some ways it would be good and others not so much. He’s going to have to face ‘people’ and places he doesn’t want to be all his life. At least he’s learning to cope with that now. My daughter had horrific bullying problems at school in England. All one girl who attacked her physically almost daily. I called the police when the other girl but her face and drew blood. It didn’t help that the other girls mother was sleeping with the village bobby. I ended up letting her leave and with hindsight, it was the worst thing I did because it started a pattern of my daughter running away from issues instead of facing them. I’m a big proponent of home schooling but not if it’s as an escape from situations we have to face repeatedly. If it’s with a time limit. IE from now until the end of term with a change of school then, it might be a good respite but only if it won’t worsen the starting at a new school

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Thanks for the advice. It’s so sad what happened to your daughter. It’s one of those decisions one day it makes sense then the next day school is the better option. I am currently look at other school options but they all seem pretty bad. Can’t really afford to move.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I sympathize. We were between a rock and a hard place too. Every choice has pros and cons and it’s a guessing game to which is ultimately the best. Are there any home school groups? A home school collective of a few parents who each had a day a week with 5 or 6 kids would be ideal. I wonder if you could maybe start something like that up? It would mean you’d all get days you could work easily and the kids would experience different ‘teachers’ and classroom type settings AND they’d have other kids to socialize with

        Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m sorry you have endured so much suffering… They say time is a healer but I understated that time is difficult to get through. Remember you have the support of your WordPress family & the love of your son to help you through this time… ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Blessings to you and prayers sent your way. I have not had an autistic child but my children have suffered loss and grief. It is difficult to see them suffer and we wish we could take their pain. Your child is a gift from heaven and he has certainly made you a better, kinder and more sensitive human being. There is hope!

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I wish all the best to you, dear blogger.
    I’ve had deaths too, and I totally understand the feeling. Just find your inner peace and transmit it to your beautiful and skilled son. Everything will be ok!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Yes you will. I feel the same. Small apartment to my self. Very little social life. Children and grandchildren adults and busy. Wondering when sister will go somewhere and invite me. Love my computer and WordPress. Look forward to each one I follow and follow me. :))

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I understand the loneliness of bringing up a child alone… and you have the extra challenges of bereavement, coupled with autism. The first thing seems to be kind to yourself by not berating your own efforts. Social contact is a way of bolstering your self-esteem because it gives you perspectives, so I am glad you have the support of the WP community. Are you in contact with any autism organisations?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a pity about the timings. I often find this a problem when trying to do things. It sounds good at least that there is some contact, so you can share information. Maybe as time goes by the meetings will become possible.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t know what to say…it’s difficult to react on “sad”, “dealing with family problems/deaths/grief/sickness” posts or let’s say “melancholic” posts, because often I simply don’t know how to react or what to add, plus I always think that words doesn’t matter. But …I think pray & believe & stay positive!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. You are breaking the cycle, the icy grasp; you are doing something different, something you never did before, you are speaking up, letting it out, writing your story. Writing is cathartic. Bloggers are empaths, keep writing, keep sharing, search Autism and lone parents, death and isolation. Others need you to connect with them. There is support needed and support to be found. It’s ok to be sad, tired. It’s important to be kind to yourself, not beating yourself up. It’s Monday now, you did it!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ugh, my heart breaks for you both. I also admire you both for the incredible strength you have to keep going. I know some days it may feel like you’re just barely still going, but that’s ok. Keep fighting. Wishing you two all the best. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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