Captain Chaos with his beloved blue crocodile. That poor croc needs years of therapy.

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When a parent dies it is so tough it is difficult to explain the feeling. That’s a so called adult speaking. Imagine what it’s like for a young kid.

I lost my dad when I was 21. He had been ill for years. I got the feeling during the last period of his life that he was trying to keep going just to see me graduate. Sadly he missed out by a few months. It was a numbing experience but the pain was mitigated a bit as I had been expecting it to happen for ages. I was sort of prepared. My mum died a couple of years back. It was a complete shock. But a five years earlier she had suffered a massive stroke. Doctors told us to prepare for the worst. Yet in a month she was back in her house – still able to live independently. In some respects it felt like the years after the stroke were a real bonus. She got to spend time with her grandson.

But for our son we have no mitigating factors. He had just been to his beloved grannies funeral and a week later his mum goes into hospital for some routine tests. His mum deteriorated rapidly and completely unexpectedly. He was visiting his mum in the hospice two weeks later. For someone so young that’s devastating.

We still get tears but now he can talk about his mum. He can laugh at the good memories. But the anxieties caused by that period of death are still impacting his daily life. He is so worried about becoming ill and also about losing others close to him. Today is common. We have had anxiety about catching illnesses. Worries about dying. On top of that every time I sneeze or cough he runs to make sure I’m ok. We try to find ways to ease the anxieties but it is still so tough for him…..

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Son comes back from school to be greeted by Captain Chaos and a well chewed croc. That’s one thing that works.

73 thoughts on “Blue Croc”

  1. Loss and trauma leave their scars. When my godmother underwent chemo for breast cancer, her daughters were both fairly young, barely double-digits. She’s recovered and done well since then, thank the Lord, but you can see that affect on her girls: both are married, but they both live within ten minutes of their mom. Both are nurses.
    So we shall see with the coming years how you and your son grow. xxxx

    Thank God for Captain Chaos, too. There’s nothing like the love-filled bark and sloppy kisses. 🙂

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    1. Not sure the blue croc is so keen on the sloppy kisses though. As you say let’s see what happens. It’s frustrating that given that bad stuff happens that schools (certainly in this area) do not have support in place to help kids get through these tough times. xxxx

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      1. I find that shocking, and yet I’m not surprised. My sons’ school has an amazing social worker who’s done quite a bit of therapy work, but my daughter’s school has nothing. We pick up the slack while barely maintaining our own load. But we’re parents: it’s sort of like our superpower. ParentPower! xxxxxx

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      2. I must be like Banner in the last Avengers Movie. The Hulk superpowers refusing to start up. Primarily it is our job though. Just we often start from such a shaky base that a little bit of help would be nice. But it does feel like a bit of a struggle with the system for many. I remember one of our so called Government Ministers moaning about how much time kids took off for things like bereavements. xxxxxxx

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      3. HULK SMASH! You need your own Hulk glove hands that make smashing effects. I’ve seen them in toy stores 🙂
        Put that minister in charge of a daycare for one week, and THEN see how he talks, the doof.

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  2. So difficult. Even when we are older we have those fears. We start losing those we love in pretty rapid succession and it makes us realize we could lose anyone,even ourselves. His fears are not abnormal or unreasonable. I can relate to them. However, it is hard for someone so young to have to deal with that kind of loss. I lost my mum at 2 l/2. My brothers were 4 and 5. They had a different experience than I did. Loss is very hard to deal with at a young age. I know. So glad he has a supportive father and lots of pets and stuffed animals!

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  3. I can only imagine the pain your family is feeling. I lost my grandmother in August 5th 2012. I will remember that day forever. I was on my way to work when my dad drove to find me and tell me. I did not go to work that day. I was so angry for such a long time. Thinking about her I still get sad but I si

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    1. But I remember the good times and it helps. My oldest son asks me about her and we have long discussions about it. I was rather close to my grandmother. In her last months of her life I spent as much time as I possibly could with her. I tried to be at her house every day so I could get as much time with her as possible. Losing a loved one leaves a huge scar on our hearts. I have not lost my significant other (knock on wood) but it would be devastating if it did happen. I’m so sorry for all you and your family have gone through. I hope time helps heal. This picture of your dog with his toy has brightened my day. I hope many happy memories are to come and good days.

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      1. I think you get a certain amount of support from the comments of those who follow your blog. Ideally you would both get out to meet with grief or bereavement support groups in the community. However with your son’s reluctance to meet other people you both need other options. Google “grief / bereavement support groups ” for adults and children. There are a number available, and some of them will have online groups and chat rooms. You will then be able to talk online with people in your situations or similar whenever you need to, without having to wait until the subject comes up in comments on your blog.

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  8. Sure it’s tough now… some days are bad, and some are worse!

    But think what it’s going to be like when it comes time for the ‘Sex’ talk!!! 😮

    I just hope he explains it you you gently and without damaging you for life!! 😉

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    2. My WordPress has been a nightmare for weeks. Constant crashing. I did a test and correctly liked 20 posts. When I checked 20 minutes later, only 10 likes being shown. Formatting to pot. Really slow and laggy. Must admit I am using an iPad version and it almost appears they are blaming Apple. Yeh right…..

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      1. That’s interesting… Sorry you’re having problems too. It all seems rather erratic here. Some days it’s fine and some, I can’t leave any messages at all. I do everything on my iPad. Can’t believe that it’s an Apple issue though.

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      2. If you look at many of the recent reviews on the App Store – clearly it’s not just us two…. Yes somedays it’s ok. But it crashed twice before it loaded the third time. Now it’s working but oh so slowly. Yet all my other apps are working like rockets….

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  12. That is so devastating – I can’t even imagine. Way too fast to even comprehend, let alone process. I am glad he is able to talk about his mum now – to help process. And the love of his dog – that is great.

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  13. Reading about the loss of your lovely wife is so sad, and it’s clear it completely knocked the stuffing out of you…but reading about how it must have been through your son’s eyes and the effect it has had is so heart-rendering.

    Are you over the manbola? The thought of him being anxious every time you sneeze makes feel for him so much. He’s been through so much…and then there’s the whole cake thing for him to deal with too. Poor lad!

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  14. I’ve just sat in silence after reading that, unable to fathom what it must be like for either of you, including your wife if she knew she wasn’t going to be with you two any longer. It’s one of my greatest fears as a mother.
    But, it would seem by all your caring thoughts and consideration for your son, that you are doing such a beautiful job as a parent. You couldn’t ask anymore of yourself.
    A hug for you both.

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  15. Oh Gary, this is so heartending. I felt every word of it as I read it. I really feel for both you and your son. What a terrible shock. No wirds can suffice. I am so sorry about all the extreme anxiety that has been caused regarding illness, fear of dying etc. So so awful for him. I don’t know what to say but my heart is with you both. Thank goid ess for the blue crocodile at least. I don’t know if it’s ok to say this to you Gary, but hugs to the both of you. Xxx

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      1. Oh gosh. I hope he didn’t shrink. Yes we dust ourselves down. Sorry I didn’t see this post until tonight. I hope you can get some sleep tonight xx

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  16. Hi hope you’re feeling better. I understand you have a lot of anxiety and responsibility but hopefully you can take some solace in what a great job you are doing. You two seem to get on so well, have so much fun and have such a happy house with the pets and the games and all the questions etc.!

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  17. Pingback: Blue Croc – A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. – International Badass Activists

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