I bumped into a parent from our son’s last school this morning. A conversation started about the weather (forgive us it’s a British thing), Brexit (forgive us it’s a British madness) and son’s old school. Nothing remarkable. Then the dreaded question from the parent.

“It’s been a couple of years now. You must be over the worst now. Now the clouds are parting do you think it’s time to move on. Find someone else. Your still relatively young…”

Couldn’t believe it. What a thing to say. Relatively young. Cheeky bugger I am still only 24!!!!! I think it was 1875 when I was 24….

That conversation reminded me why staying in the house is often so appealing and cheaper – ended up sponsoring his son.ł

A year ago the main part of that question would have thrown me completely. I suspect I would have gone to Jelly. Now it just yields a deep sigh.

Every persons grief is different (forgive me I keep saying this a lot). With me the clouds do part some days but they often quickly move back in, blocking out the view.Like the weather I get fine days, average days and crappy days. The comment about you must be over the worst because it’s been a couple of years is clearly an unfounded assumption as every persons grief is different (forgive me I’ve said it again). Find Someone Else ….. makes it sound like I’m house hunting.

The photo is taken near Interlaken in Switzerland (forgive me it’s another favourite country plug – still waiting for my chocolate from the Swiss Tourist Board……). It’s quite a good representation of my grief journey. Yes the clouds keep sweeping in often covering the mountain peak. But somedays the mountain is cloudless. Same mountain vastly different mood. So unpredictable. That’s the weather for you (The Brits and the weather AGAIN ).

87 thoughts on “The weather

  1. Well I’m going to Switzerland in late June and would be happy to send you Swiss chocolate from there. You let me know if you can get a post office box or something otherwise private and I’ll do some shopping for you. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If you are only 24 then you must have been a a kiddo when you became a Dad!

    I think you explained how unpredictable grief is perfectly. And people will say these things, because they think finding someone else will bring happiness. It might, it might not – as I am sure you are aware.

    Some people do say some funny things, with the best of motives, but sometimes with poor timing and poor taste. Still I reckon whoever said that to you, he wants good things to come your way.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. A couple of years after I got divorced, people started saying to me similar things about finding someone else. You seem to have reacted more politely than I did…. even if people mean well, I felt isolated by the clear lack of understanding.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Fortunately, I don’t need to see my daughter’s dad as he is supposed to see her via a child contact centre, except he is refusing to go….

        Anyway, closure (for want of a better word) is something that happens when it happens. I have achieved closure but after so many years with just my daughter, I don’t think a new partner in my life would work until my daughter is older.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. You are NEVER done grieving, it just gets easier, maybe. Your partner will always be a part of you that you lost. We all need to learn to quit being so nosey. A “ how are you coping today” might be a more appropriate thing to ask.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Hmmm sometimes people just don’t know what to say or rather say something off the cuff that may be taken the wrong way yet without a purposeful-intention. I cannot imagine the grief from losing a partner; although I’ve lost my father who was my rock, and a brother who was my friend. They cannot be replaced. I suppose if the time comes for you to find love again, you will if it’s suppose to be. In the meantime try to find some comfort in well wishers. On a lighter note maybe she (?) was hinting to you about herself. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  5. When he has had a few key people in his life or the lives of others close to him he will get it more easily. Neither you nor your partner wanted to end your relationship. It was just suddenly ended by forces beyond your control. My sister’s second husband suddenly dropped dead with an unexpected massive heart attack. It was seven years before she started looking at other men again. she just did not want anyone else.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My sister found her second husband dead on the floor in the garage in 2010 (she was 59 and he 54). It was totally unexpected too. It was several years before she ‘dated’ again, and had a lot of resistance from her children. She has had three gentlemen friends since then and seems very content with the current one. I wish her luck.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My sister was 55, but she had already divorced the father of her children – the first of the two children was a mistake at a student party when they were 22. The children were already getting quite exasperated with him and he is still alive. they were not so keen on the next man ,but neither was I – such a drongo. However she was happy with him and I said nothing. the third one is much better and I hope they last together.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My sister will be 68 in September and my Mum had been living with her for many years. I don’t know much about her current partner, but he was there for her when my Mum died last year. Sis and I are not close in distance or friendship, but she seems happy and that’s what matters.

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Is your tactless friend from York as well? Some people don’t have a filter. That struck me as rude as hell. “Well, GEE. It’s JUST A CAR. Go get another one, already.” *facepalm*

    The love of your life is the love of your life. I’ve known many people that, when their ‘other half’ was gone (divorce or death), they stayed solo for many years, sometimes, for the rest of their lives.

    Too many people (myself, included), rush into relationships to fill a need that the other person wasn’t responsible for. Recipe=disaster. I’d like to erase about 80% of the relationships I’ve been in. Complete train wrecks.

    Besides, have you noticed how busy you are?

    Liked by 2 people

  7. People (especially the British) are terrible at grief and death conversations. Along the same vein as ‘you can find someone else’ when my son died as an infant I lost count the amount of times I was told ‘you’re young, you can have more children’ as if that wipes away the memory and grief of the loved one that has died. That’s not the way it works, grieving is a process which has to be respected and supported, and seen to its conclusion. I could not get pregnant after my son died, in the end it took 14 years before I had another child yet they could find no physical reason for that. I think my body knew I wasn’t ready, that grief is a process and it takes as long as it takes to come out the other side, in my case 14 years. Until then I would not of been ready to care for another child and I am guessing that works the same with a new relationship, which needs all available emotional energy to thrive.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I love both my son’s. I am a peace with losing my first and see how that has positively impacted the way I care for my second. I appreciate every moment, even the hard ones, I celebrate every birthday, every milestone and every day I have with my son and that is the gift grief leaves behind.

        Liked by 3 people

  8. Finding someone new?! I guess some people just avoid the subject of death and grief and others just come out with nonsense… hey ho! Sometimes a massive hug, a shepherds pie and a big bar of chocolate would have been preferable..

    Liked by 3 people

  9. 24? The only person you’re fooling is yourself sir! 😉

    Even with the make up you’re a 44 long at best. 😉

    Grief is a multi-factorial thing, as is the Human psyche…. weather just boils down to three things – temperature, wind speed and humidity.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. How unbelievably rude. 1) A couple of years is not a long time. 2) If it were a long time, that’s still your business and not theirs. 3) “Moving on” and what it looks like is also your business and not theirs. I could go on. How did you manage to keep your cool?

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s good! Which makes me happy – I have the kids at the shore right now so I am happy there isn’t any rain. Just humid – I felt it on my run this morning but that’s okay. In the mid sixties right now which is great. Hope you guys warm up soon! I am hoping to post some pictures tomorrow if I can figure out how to make my camera like my computer 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I started a comment and it’s disappeared. Oops.
    Anyway, you are right in that we all grieve differently and this person probably was thinking about an acceptable time frame in their own life. There is no acceptable time frame.
    Your priority is your son, and that comes across in your posts. But you are lonely sometimes too….. not for the closeness and physical side perhaps but adult company and conversation (don’t mean to put my size 7s in it, so please forgive me).
    Hubby and I have been together 30 years, and I cannot imagine anyone else in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I don’t think the grief ever goes or diminishes, but you and your son will grow and strengthen around it. You have two gifts that I can see, a remarkable son with insights so many of us lack, ant a talent for writing about your world. I find comfort in reading your stories, both happy and sad, and admire the bond you have with your son. Keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. It’s a strange thing to say, as if that’s the only thing in life we need; a partner. But it’s also not as simple as that, you haven’t just lost your partner, she is your child’s mother, and an important member of your family. Your grief must have so many layers, I can’t even imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. For cryin’ out loud…you NEVER say that to someone. Now granted, there’s that flip side that my mom’s in–she’s dating a fine man, and my family has NO CLUE how to handle it. Most relatives just don’t ask about him at all, or talk on and on about stuff with Dad, how much they miss Dad, etc. Of course we all miss Dad, but for goodness’ sake, if Mom’s ready, it’s her call and I’m going to support her, just as I’m supporting you. (Well I’m not your kid, but you know what I mean. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Everyone is ready in their own time. When you meet the ‘new right one’ you will know it. Just be open to it.

    It’s hard. I know. I’ve been there. Was told at 6 months I should be moving on and ‘doing’ someone else by then. Another told me she knew how I felt because she had just lost her father. Um, no. NOWHERE near the same unless something bad was going on THERE.

    I may have found someone I can spend my life with. He won’t be the love of my life. Nick was that.

    Gary?He will just be a ‘new love in my life’. And I’m not saying that to diminish…..I just don’t see myself loving anyone the way I loved Nick. Gary is running a good 2nd tho…so far.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. It boggles my mind that someone would think that an acceptable thing to say to someone else. Even if it was a close friend or family member, I don’t think I could ask a question like that.

    Liked by 1 person

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