Grief is really sneaky. It’s like you at sea in a boat in perfectly calm water. But somewhere underneath you know a Great White Shark is silently hunting. Could be hundreds of miles away or it could be feet away. You just never know.

Everything seemed ok. Yes my partners birthday is approaching but I was ok. Needed to go food shopping. No red flags yet.

At the Supermarket walked passed the flowers. No problem. On passed the birthday cards. No problem. Uneventful food shopping then…..

Without warning the background music started playing Ronan Keating – Life is a Rollercoaster. This was one of her favourite songs. She would always be singing it. I took her twice to see him in concert.

Full scale grief attack. Floods of tears. Lord knows what the other shoppers thought in the soup aisle.

That’s the thing when you lose someone the world doesn’t stop. You might but the rest of the world does not. When you eventually do brave the world again it will try and get you – you just never know when….

121 thoughts on “Ronan did me again

  1. I just lost my mom suddenly. I understand you completely. Yesterday, she played a song we loved to listen to together, and I broke into tears. The world does keep going, but forget what the other shoppers think. It is beautiful that your partner is communicating with you. That is true connection. It is the most painful thing in the world, but let the flood come. I have been crying and crying and crying. We are stronger than we think we are. That connection, love, and bonding will never be broken. Thank you for sharing your grief. It helps to know that someone is going through the exact same thing I am.

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum in January 2018. It’s her birthday on the 22nd, she would have been 97. Wind Beneath Your Wings is her song, shj loved to hear me play it, and every time I sit at the keyboard, I do. And every time the tears threaten……… but in a warm way, if that doesn’t sound too cock-eyed.

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      1. We will be playing “Wind Beneath Your Wings” for my mom’s service. Your mom still loves hearing you play the song. She is with you every time you play it. The way you described the tears makes total sense to me. Ask for signs from her showing that she is with you.

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  2. It’s understandable that you’re feeling particularly vulnerable just now with her birthday anniversary approaching. My first husband died a long time ago (when I was 24 and he was 23) yet even now I’m caught out unexpectedly by certain songs. Go easy on yourself and cry when you feel the need.

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  3. Grief ebbs and flows. You’re right, it’s strange. I lost my mom not too long ago, and sometimes I’ll be driving in my car, everything is still, no music or anything, and then bam… I have to pull the car over because I can’t stop sobbing. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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  4. Thinking of you Gary. It sure is the unexpectedness of it, taking us unawares. Not a nice experience, but those tears are needed. My Dad died to the soubds of Abba – Dancing Queen – in the hospital. And of course that is often playing in Supermarkets. Just does me in. Just feeling for you Gary xx

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  5. You just got hit by one mother of the big waves in the sea. It happens and it’ll knock you for six. But you’re standing again. You’ve coped. I hope you ate a giant tub of ice cream and bought an extra for spare. Sending a mammoth hug and a smacker of a kiss. Katie

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  6. Sending hugs because words are useless in the face of such pain. Grief really is a monster – one that can jump out at you at any given moment. I hope one day this song will bring you comfort instead of pain.

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  7. Sorry to hear that!

    I’m sure you already know that the LAST thing you have to worry about is what some other people might think about a man crying in the soup aisle! (Although if you had the foresight you could have at least made it to the Tissue aisle!?) 😉

    As long as you love your lady you’re going to build up a tear or two every day she is not with you – or that you feel her absence more than you feel her presence. Once you get enough of them to overflow your tear dam something will soon press the button that opens the sluice-gates to ease the pressure build-up behind the eyes.

    You could leave that to chance, or you could try doing something that eases the pressure at a time and place of your (and perhaps your son’s) choosing? If they’re gonna flow you might as well decide when and where, right? 🙂

    You might then try ‘modifying’ your brain patterns so that thinking of her makes you happy and not feel like the world has ended? I’m not suggesting it would be easy, or that you feel happy that she is no longer with the two of you in a physical way, but it would be possible to make it not feel so crippling when things like Ronan come around. The brain is only fixed and unknowable while we believe it is.

    A Manly hug is already on it’s way Dude!

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      1. You coouullldd… but i’m sure there are many other triggers than just that song, or Ronan. maybe look more to what’s underneath the grief/loss and look for things you have control over that you can do to ‘lift’ that more to the surface where you can connect it to less hurtful things so you don’t feel so overwhelmed when they hit without warning – kind of like an innoculation against a mental ‘virus’ – you build a resistance? ( not the right word) 😦

        Find acceptance maybe?

        I think the overwhelming/unstoppable part is somewhat due to the natural desire to not want to feel bad ‘all’ the time… so you fight against that. ( Until it leaks out) so maybe letting yourself feel bad for a few minutes at a time in a safe and ‘comforting’ place, one that has some positive vibes besides your bad ones can ease the sudden strong ‘attacks’??

        Just some ideas 🙂

        The greater the love the greater the hole it leaves… keep hold of the love but shrink the hole!

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  8. Hope your tears brought a moment of communication with her? Songs and music are the physical components of a communicating mathematics that combines all life together in pattern. It is the very stuff that describes the seen and the unseen.
    Hope you felt uplifted afterwards, despite the sudden grief of the moment.
    It is good to cry!

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  9. Exactly same thing happened to me in Hallmark (a gift shop) last week. They sell these little comfy things called Itty Bitties, and Blondie wanted to pick two for her aunt and uncle for their birthdays (for every human being likes these things, I guess). On display is a plush starship Enterprise with Itty Bitties of two Star Trek characters.
    I teared up and near sobbed, then and there, because I could see my kids giving this to Dad and him loving it, them playing together. But that’s all…not happening. And it just stabbed my heart no matter who was around me.
    Oh yeah. The world keeps going. x

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    1. God that must have been awful for you. I have just thinking about it. I remember going into a Hallmark to buy a sympathy card straight after the world changed. I suddenly thought you did that for funerals. Wasn’t till later that I realised I would be just sending the card to myself…. xxx

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      1. I really know what you mean. I force myself to do a card but I wait a few months then send a quick letter just saying thinking of them. Often you feel people forget about you after a few months. Getting something like that might be kinda helpful. I’ve missed a couple or weddings over the last couple of years – just too raw for me. That probably sounds so self indulgent – sorry. xx

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      2. No, I understand. I think I was more prepared to drive two states away to the funeral because then I didn’t have to write words down. That sounds so strange, but it’s true. Now the aunt is moving into WI and will end up ten minutes from my mom; they’ve barely spoken since Dad died–not out of anger or anything, but it’s just…you know, one person’s the heart of a family. Dad was that. When Dad passed, aaaaaaall those cousins and his brothers just kind of floated off. Even though some live minutes from Mom, they never see her. And I can’t be mad, and I don’t think Mom is either, especially since she’s dating someone. It’s just…weird, if that makes sense. I’m blathering.

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      3. No your not it’s so like us. My side of the family get on great but we all orbited around our mum. Now she’s gone we never see each other. Like my brother and sisters before we lost her I would see him every couple of months at mums and speak on the phone. Since 2016 we have seen each other once and texted probably 3 times. Seen oldest sister probably three times, one of my other sisters twice. Even the sister who lives in the next city, we would see each other weekly now it’s every few months. Apart from the cousins in York not seen any of them. Now Im blathering. xx

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      4. It’s a topic that often leads to blathering, and that’s okay. 🙂 It’s a little surreal when I see how small my kids’ extended family will be–one cousin from Bo’s brother, and two cousins from my kid brother. That’ll be it. And my kid bro’s in Arizona, so we only see them once a year. So weird compared to the dozen of cousins I had, all of them in the region…


  10. wouldn’t it be nice if it would stop for a day? AN HOUR? The sneak attacks are the worst. I do pretty good and yet there are days when it can still knock me to my knees. I let the day win and start anew tomorrow. What else can you do? I miss him beyond words.

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  11. You were thinking of her and then her favourite song played. That is quite lovely. People do cry in supermarkets- perhaps even more people should so it’s easier! Sending all good wishes.

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  12. I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my 24 year old son as well and it’s coming on two years quicker than I imagined, the grief journey sure holds a lot of opportunity to build strength doesn’t it? I’m so so sorry, I sure do understand those random cries hearing their favorites. Big hugs to you and your son on this precious journey!

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