I thought I would check my phone to see if I could find a photo for today’s post. But what did I find. Without help (and rather sadly) I can say it’s Dratini with his Pikachu backing band. I honestly can’t remember taking this yesterday. Yet son is claiming no responsibility for this and the other 12 Pokemon related pictures. So clearly it must have been me. I must be going barking mad……

It’s been one of those ‘It feels like the walls are slowly closing in on me’ days. Even the walk failed to lift my spirits. No chance conversations on a day that I could have really used one. But anyway I managed to put my game face on for the return of the school bus. It’s something I’ve learnt to do pretty well. We had a laugh as he ribbed me about the ongoing carnage which is my football team. I was good on the outside, not so good on the inside….

So I was not starting from a position of inner strength when our son out of the blue said

I really wonder if I have depression. I’ve heard that it can be common with people who have Aspergers. I didn’t think it would be me but life does seem tough for me most days”

He is only 12. It was another one of those parenting wasn’t supposed to be like this moments.

Its easy to forget what he’s been through in those few years. School really doesn’t help. At least it’s only 3 weeks until they break up for the summer holidays. That will help. We have started the ‘fill a jar with red and green sweets exercise’ again. Every time our son has a good moment he puts a red sweet in the jar. If he has a bad moment then he puts a green sweet in the jar. It’s a great way of assessing his relative mood. Hopefully as in previous cases we get more good sweets than bad sweets.

I really do worry that my depression is also rubbing off on him. That just would not be acceptable. I’m unlikely to be fixed any time soon so will get my best game face ready. I will redouble my efforts to ensure that he has great fun during this weekend. Let’s get the jar stacked with red sweets. Saturday morning he wants to do some Pokemon Go hunting. That will be more odd looking photos on my mobile. You have been warned for next week blog photos.

64 thoughts on “Dratini sneaked in ..

  1. I talked to my girls about how I was feeling as they were growing up. Not dumping on them or using them as therapists but telling them honestly if I was having a rough time. They saw it anyway, might as well be honest. I also told and showed them that sometimes you just gotta take baby steps and get through the day and sometimes you see sunsets and rainbows and it’s okay to be silly and laugh at yourself.
    I think it’s great that your son is bringing the subject of depression up! Talking to each other is such an important thing. And playing together is good too!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was very young. It’s hard to put your game face on some days – that you do it for your son shows the depths of love you have for him. And he will be okay because he’s had you. Sending hugs and sincere prayers for a better day tomorrow. And I love the photo, by the way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As part of my ‘ongoing’ project i was doing some thinking on the brain and specifically ‘consciousness’ this morning and came up with the analogy (that i might be developing in a post later – watch my space!) 😉 that our brains can be approximated more to a smartphone than a computer as some used to in ‘The Good Old Days’, you know, back in the 80’s/90’s.

    In that sense, i can say confidently that those pictures are not the result of any of your efforts, nor your son’s, but are actually examples of your phone running itself – and taking photo’s while having hallucinations, possibly through being drunk or high on something, but more likely being low on battery! 🙂

    Make sense??

    As for the other stuff… it would be a seriously good idea to see a specialist in the area of mental health and get a definite diagnosis on your present state of ‘well’-being, and get some suggestions on what is the best way to handle all the stuff you’re having to deal with. Going it ‘solo’ is not the best way to progress, i believe!

    I know your son is on the bereavement ‘waiting list’ and has been for a long time, but have you had any success in that area? Is there a way to speed up the process so you can at least see someone, even if it is for a one-time visit??

    Has the UK reached the level of Virtual Counselling yet? Where you have a video connection with an expert who might live a hundred miles away from you?

    I heard yesterday that in our remotest parts of the country, Aboriginal communities are getting Virtual Legal advice for matters from criminal law to financial debt, being organised by our Community Services department of our government. Surely Yorkshire is less isolated/better off than people in Leonora, WA (look it up!) 😉


  4. When I am trying to photograph birds they have a habit of flying away. A year or two back our granddaughter Flo commandeered my camera to do the job for me. When I scanned her pictures they included a colourful parrot and a portrait of an ostrich

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Talk with him about depression, share with each other what you feel and what he feels. But also talk about things that make you, both, happy. He needs you, you’re his dad, his beacon. He needs to hear from you how you really feel. He needs to see you “raw” to understand human feelings. He needs to match your (inside) real feelings with your outside. Kids know and sense more that we think they do. The truth is as much as we’d love to raise them in a bubble, we can’t.
    Keep busy! Do something fun with your son. Reach out to friends and family. Cry. Laugh. Re-arrange furniture and stuff around the house. Get new curtains and something for the cats to scratch and tell them to stop ripping things. Many hugs to you and your son. (Sorry my English, I’m ESL.)

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I love the sweets idea. Maybe every week, that is more good than bad, he can eat them (after you have recorded the level on a graph). Every week there are more bad than good, they stay in the jar until they get to good again. Maybe too complicated… 😂

    I have a friend who goes into periodic depression. Twice he has been put onto anti – psychotic drugs that so totally messed him up, he had suicidal thoughts… He talks to me when that happens and I try to explain the drugs are messing him up. He comes to me for hugs and comfort (my husband is less tolerant, because my friend is usually not functioning very well to the point of constant shakes. It is difficult to pull him out. The first time, he was about to be permanently committed to a mental hospital, his right to drive (one of his loves), taken away. He was released on the basis we would look after him for 10 days. The second time 8 years later, he wasn’t interned, but put on so many drugs that he lost all ability to function again. Even while with us, he kept calling help lines. He is well again now having rid himself of the drugs and touring Europe on his motorcycle. Next year he will travel across India.

    Why am I saying this? Because health care professionals cannot cure depression caused by relationship loss and loneliness. It is heartbreak, not a mental disorder. Both times my friend went into pits of despair was when his girlfriends dumped him. He is a motorcycle, free-wheeling, mechanical gadgetry guy. The girls wanted sedentary life with lots of couch sitting. He tried, in order to find companionship, but he just didn’t mesh with their lives. Still, he doesn’t want to be on his own. He is at least functioning now, able to join touring groups if not able to find romance. Keeping busy is his best ally.

    I hope you don’t let doctors put you on meds for your heartache, or if you do, don’t let them make you totally disabled like my friend.

    Heartache is such a painful thing. It overwhelms us when we least expect and it can take our health right down the toilet.
    Try to eat healthy (lots of fruits and veg) and take some vitamin D3 tablets (25 micrograms) to boost your immune system (there is not enough in diet and too many grey days in Yorkshire for the sun to provide enough).

    Get out for that walk everyday.

    Hearts eventually heal. Loss eventually fades, but only when you can embrace the memories and smile, knowing that you had that wonderful experience, but will find new ones as life goes on. Be well. 🤗❤️

    PS, trying not to preach… It might seem that way. You will find yourself again. 😊


  7. I have had similar fears. The kids can usually tell but I will calmly tell them “I am not feeling well today.” Catelyn is my only child that I witnessed go through a depression from the stressors in her own life. But maybe they are all predisposed because of genes? So tough. Thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

  8. We all want so much to help you, yet only you can hear what you need to hear when you’re ready to hear it. It is the case with each of us – such is human nature.

    My suggestion is one that developed over the years during such times as you have experienced, which I call dark nights of the Soul. I started out by writing letters expressing my deepest feelings – thoughts, fears, worries. They were written privately, simply to get them out into the open, to release the mental strain of anxiety. Sometimes they were directed to a person, sometimes to my own Inner Self, sometimes to a Higher Being, but none were ever intended to be mailed. (Nowadays, I think they call this Journaling.) During the process, I learned to listen for and receive answers to my questions, to listen for and receive solutions to my challenges. I discovered this process to be very comforting and healing, but more importantly, the responses have been tremendously helpful, not only to me, but to my children and others over the years.

    When I read your post today, my first thought was how helpful it could be for you to write to your partner and share with her all of these feelings. Then to write down a response from her, what you think/feel she would say to you. Yes, it may be painful at first, but it will definitely help to release these buried feelings and help you heal. And SOON, you will find there is hope, there is Joy, there is beauty – not only in your life, in your world, but also that of your son’s.

    I AM holding you both in my HEART, wishing you well. Sending the Sweetest of Blessings and very much Love, from my HEART to yours. Betty 💞


  9. I consider myself warned 🙂 Honestly, though, you can’t beat yourself up for your son’s sake–that’s just why you gotta keep pushing forward. I’m realizing that now when it comes to my own anxiety and how it’s revealed itself in my kids. Bash constantly asks about worse-case scenarios: “It’s raining! What if lightning strikes the house? There’s a train! What if it runs over me?” Blondie fears failure so much she’d rather not try new things at all. Biff gets so wound up when the routine’s suddenly changed on him that he just can’t function.

    It f’ing sucks. But because we also hold these same issues, that means we can help our children fight them, you know? It challenges us to be better about our mental health so that we can teach our children how to fight the good fight.

    We succeed together, my friend xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We sit down with him in a couple weeks, though registration is today. I’m rather glad the schools in this town are broken up into different buildings and principals per grade group–a lot less noise to compete with other grades.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Does sound a better way of doing things. I hope you get what you want out of it. Ultimately it’s just about your kids just being happy and not feeling anxious. I guess when that happens the parent kind of feels much less shitty. The battle which is looming is that his grades and performance should mean moving up sets. But it’s likely school will keep him in bottom set.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. But you never know. In a couple years the knowledge he stores will likely be on tests and things. A new teacher may find him/herself open to listening to him. Maybe even a substitute teacher will start a ripple of good change. We just got to keep soldiering on and hoping we’re giving them the strength to solder on themselves when they’re older. xxxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I look back to preparenting days. Not a clue about life. I would definitely have flunked the qualification test. But I suspect we are all a bit like that. Then the reality kicks in and it’s never the same again. But you keep finding the strength it just would help if occasionally it seemed like the wind swung round and worked with you not constantly against. One day it will change but until it does keep the coffee coming and one step at a time. xxxxx

        Liked by 1 person

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