Stood watching the sunset. Two thoughts crossed my mind.

One… what a stunning sunset. Developed without warning and only lasted a few minutes. It’s the sort of sunset that would have made my partner so happy.

Two… bloody hell my fingers hurt.

You get towards the end of the school year with the once extensive school uniform reserves drained to drought levels. Down to one of each item and they have seen much better days. Sizing is probably about two sizes to small and really they are just a collections of holes held together by a few resilient fibres. Just got to make them last two more weeks. That reminds me – I had better start saving for next terms uniform replenishment. Bet that’s cheap!!!

It maybe only two weeks but you can almost see what’s left of the clothes disintegrating in the air. It’s time for drastic action. It’s time for emergency patching. Unfortunately sewing comes as naturally to me as veganism comes to Donald Trump. I am useless. Always have been, always will be. Up to two years ago that wasn’t a problem. My partner loved darning and out would come the sewing box with such glee. My mum was also an expert in the dark sewing arts. Those days have gone now.

So now it’s down to me. Houston we have a problem. So out came my partners sewing box. A result a couple of useable patches ready to go. How hard can this really be. So a fine looking needle was selected. Several different types of thread to go for. Helpfully each has a number 60, 70, 75, 80 – what the hell does that mean – is it size, age, weight, tensile strength. Let’s go for 60 as it’s black. We then start to put the thread through the needle eye. T***, f***, s***, b******, buggerations. I might as well of been trying to give a cheesed off Honey Badger a haircut. One hour it took me, one hour of my life wasted on that instrument of torture.

Then I started to attach the patch to the trouser knee hole. The sodding thread falls out of the needle. So we start again. Two coffees later we have a needle and thread ready to go again. Now the needle won’t go through the patch. What is it made of – bullet proof armour. Eventually I punch through but with so much force that the needle eye has embedded into my finger. Blood everywhere. After a plaster has been applied I continue. Not once, not twice maybe six times the needle struggles to get through the patch but once through it passes through my finger skin with such ease. In the end my fingers resembles Spongebob Squarepants’s backside. Holes everywhere.

But finally the job is done. The patch is secured and doesn’t look too bad. Quite pleased with that. THEN. Oh for f*** sake, oh come on!!!!

In hindsight it might not have been a great idea to push the needle not only through the front of the trousers but then through the back of the trousers as well. Great work. Now the left trouser leg is completely sewn tight at the knee. What’s the kid supposed to do – hop to school, pirate style.

Don’t think badly of me. After I unpicked the stitching I decided to stick the patch on with superglue. Let’s hope it doesn’t rain.

So yes it’s a wonderful sunset but my fingers are so much more redder…

98 thoughts on “Oh come on…”

  1. Honestly, I didn’t want to laugh, but you told this story with such grit and the details were spot on! I couldn’t help but feel for you.
    Here is a suggestion. Look for patches that you can iron on. No needles, no infliction of pain, and your child doesn’t have to hobble to school.
    Good luck to you!! 😉

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  5. Oh my goodness, no thimble in the sewing kit? I’m not “your” mother but I’m sending you a virtual “mother’s kiss” for your ouchie finger. See, all better😉
    Great story!👏 Super glue and duct tape, civilization would fall without them.

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  6. But talk about making the worst of situations into the best of postings..You really do deserve the sainthood, Dad. As for sewing entirely through, I have recently done the same. Hang in there. . . . only weeks to go.

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  11. So funny, I couldn’t stop laughing, yet so sad as it is probably the situation for so many parents, not just dads! Hope you made a video to share on youtube, it would be trending in no time!

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  14. The top pic is a Top Pic! (the kind of sunset that makes me feel happy too!)

    Superb writing, full of humour and pathos and just the right amount of brevity. There is definitely an anthology of your catastrophes awaiting publishing that would outsell James Herriot’s works, I’m certain! 🙂 I’m seeing a working title of “All C@ck Up’s Great and Small – the daily struggles of a single Dad bringing up his son, despite all that the world can throw at them!”

    Need a manager/proof-reader at all?? 🙂

    Oh, you’ve got the patch situation sorted (assuming your iron actually works and does not burn a bigger hole needing a bigger patch!) but here’s a tip for threading needles – use a needle-threader (cheap to buy) or you can make your own with a couple of inches ( x 2.54 cm if you do metric!) of thin (8 amp) fuse wire. Bend it in the middle to a fairly fine point, push said point through eye of needle, spilt the two sides apart of the wire you pushed through to make a thin loop and place thread through that, then pull wire loop holding thread back out of needle eye – e Voila! 🙂

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      1. Yayyy! and you remembered the thimble – rhymes with Mr Crimble?? 🙂

        Any chance you can dye the patches? Got any felt tip pens in school uniform colour??

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  16. Oh, I remember all that so well! My bete noire was sewing on all the name tags at the start of term (for 2 children!) Definitely a learning curve – mainly learning I ought to have talked someone else into doing it for me. But the needle-threader mentioned above is a godsend, and a thimble is a must! p.s. staples don’t work…

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      1. I wouldnae worry. All my curtains are hemmed by that iron on Velcro from Amazon. Man, it’s chronic When it comes to sewing I am minded of the words of my Nannie, who turned herself out in the Depression like a fashion plate despite having sod all to eat, cos her man was a tailor to trade who had no work….. ‘Why have a dog and bark? ‘ Hell, I don’t have a dog, I cannae sew, I certainly don’t bark as such, but I sometimes wish.

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  21. “I might as well of been trying to give a cheesed off Honey Badger a haircut.” Oh my! What a tough time! And walking like a pirate – oh dear – I laughed a little. I am sorry about your fingers, and the stress of sewing. But hey, great job trying! Also, not sure if they are still around but I think they have some iron on patches out there. If not, I think the duct tape is perfectly fine 🙂

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  22. I shouldn’t laugh but…🤣🤣🤣

    Anyway, please don’t feel bad. I’ve firmly sewn on buttons that couldn’t be buttoned up afterwards for the thick amounts of thread going through them. I’ve sewn name tags onto breast pockets effectively sewing shut the pocket as well. Injured myself on kids’ white shirts by wielding needle minutes into leaving for school. Also sewn clothes to my own clothes.

    I’m a woman and I can’t sew.

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  24. Love that sunset…
    I felt your anguish for the sewing task, hurt hands and determination to repair the last vestiges of your son’s battle dress (sorry, school uniform), but when I came to the bit about you sewing the leg shut, I couldn’t help it. My smirk developed into a full scale belly laugh of bionic proportions. 🤣
    Oh, oh, oh, I haven’t laughed so much for ions. I have to thank you for that… It is so good to laugh now and again. The reason I laughed, is of course, because I have done something similar, trying to repair a sleeve. I know the frustration of having to start again from the beginning. Poor you…
    💗
    Your son might be quite good at hopping, but starting again might be wiser. 😉

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  26. I am so sorry, but the tears of laughter are streaming down my face. I hope your fingers aren’t quite so sore now, and that is a beautiful sunset.
    I hate sewing. Hubby has custody of the sewing machine and sewing box, and I’d rather go out and buy a new shirt than sew on a button. I can darn socks pretty well though.
    You might like this https://pensitivity101.wordpress.com/2018/07/05/carrot-ranch-flash-fiction-5th-july/
    😀

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  29. Oh, dear… My maternal GM sewed professionally for the public. She trained my mother & me. Needle thickness, thread thickness, thread quality and clothing weave can be a battle. Needles should be sharpened, too (ever seen the the red tomato needle holder…the tiny little tomato attached to it has fine grain sand or salt in it…sharpens the needle). Sometimes thread has to be waxed.

    Patching holes is difficult, anyway, because the integrity of the fabric has been damaged. Can other, similar pants be substituted? Those that aren’t provided by government funds?

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  30. OH MY GOODNESS. I wanted to laugh because I’ve totally done that too with Biff’s sweatshirt–trying to repair the zipper and ended up sewing the sweatshirt together. Gah! And using Bo’s mom’s sewing kit makes me fear I’m doing her wrong somehow as Blondie’s shirt ripped in the washing machine is waiting for me to patch it….eeeeeeeeeeeeeesh…

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      3. Exactly! Someone brought that up to me once when the twins were born: “Will you put the kids in daycare so you can have some time for you?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

        Oh you’re serious.

        Um, no.

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