Autumn is coming I can feel it.
That anniversary is coming I can feel it.
Coming up to three years on the grief train.
The world flies past the window with no slowing down.
Unclear where I am heading or the purpose of the journey .
Captive Passenger on this locomotive with absolutely no sign of a conductor.
Who would have thought that after 3 years I would still feel so completely confused . Don’t get me wrong I am so lucky. I have a purpose to focus on. Give son the best childhood he can possibly have under the circumstances. Be there for him when he needs me for as long as that may be. My life is completely focused on our son.
And yet.
I realise that as son becomes increasingly independent (that has to be the goal) then I will need to start finding my own life again. My own self purpose. Will need the pesky grief train to stop at a new destination. But here is the conundrum. I’m driving the train, I’m the passenger, I’m the conductor. It’s down to me. I have to want that new destination to arrive and then I need to open the train door – and then decide to leave the train.
I’m using up valuable air. I owe it to the world to start living again. Eventually.
… and you will, when the time is right for you.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Yes I probably will when the time is right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs Gary xxxx
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you X
LikeLike
So hard. You owe it to not just the world, bit yourself, your son, and your partner, too.
That said, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time. You’re focusing on some great things. Keep it up!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you
LikeLike
Maybe when the time comes you’ll know it instinctively. As in, you don’t have to seek it out, or look for it, it will present itself as such an opportunity all on its own.
But I know what you mean. It’s not just grief of this sort that has those types of questions posed…
LikeLiked by 5 people
No if the time comes it comes if it doesn’t then it just doesn’t
LikeLiked by 1 person
Such a tough time. Take your time. Take all the time you need especially on these anniversaries. You are doing a great job with your son. Really. Your post is a hopeful one and THAT really makes me smile. Thinking of you and your son at this time and sending some BIG hugs.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thanks Robyn. Are you back at the gym yet.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I started back last week. Nice to get back.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m pleased. Any shaky limbs yet…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve had a few! There was a trainer last week that wanted us to get low in a squat so our elbows were inside of our knees, roll back and forth between the legs and pop up – THEN he said, “Okay, I want you to do that 30 more times.” Definitely getting my butt kicked but I guess it is worth it 🙂 My runs aren’t going so hot, so I am glad to get some rewarding activity. How is your exercise regimen going?
LikeLiked by 2 people
30 more times. I think after that I would be permanently walking like a crab. Been trying to a home hi intensity work out with some resistance work for the broken part of my body. Basically involves me looking like Bambi on a Ice with kettlebells.
LikeLiked by 2 people
The mental image I have right now is making me smile. Poor Bambi! 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m happy now. Won’t feel too bad being an uncoordinated mess this morning.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hope is the sustaining factor.:)
LikeLiked by 4 people
We all need hope
LikeLike
It’s a process, and like all processes it follows a sequence. You are doing well. You have kept a zest for life and a purpose. Stay strong. You are doing everything right.
LikeLiked by 5 people
I really hope so.
LikeLike
“I owe it to the world to start living again. Eventually.”
Yes, you do, and you will 🙂
LikeLiked by 4 people
When the time is right. Maybe what’s in the fridge may be the first sign of change.
LikeLiked by 1 person
ugh. the fridge. I feel your pain! 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
One day it will look more welcoming
LikeLiked by 1 person
Anniversaries are so hard. I have a couple that still linger though they’ve faded over time. It never gets easy but you will find your way to the other side. ((hugs))
LikeLiked by 6 people
Thanks Laura. The other side is a great way to look at it. x
LikeLike
Take your time, there’s no rush.
LikeLiked by 3 people
No rush at all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is no need to get off of the train. When the time is right, open the door, and see who gets on. You are the train. Life is filled with possible passengers.
LikeLiked by 6 people
Maybe in this case the train doesn’t stop. Only time will tell.
LikeLike
You are the driver. You will be the one to stop it. And you will know when you are running out of fuel, or food, or something else. You need friends. How many do you have regular time for? Any time for? Life is such that it is very hard to make it without some help form someone. A wise person seeks out that help BEFORE help becomes unobtainable.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very very true.
LikeLike
Don’t be too hard on yourself, not that you are, so much in life is uncertain and we just don’t know fully what will happen or how we will cope with it. You feel as you do and grief is so individual and such a process… I am trying to accept I am where I need to be and doing the best I can, I see you trying so hard and I hope this upcoming anniversary isn’t too tough on you. ❤
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you. My train will run its own course let’s see where it goes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am sure it will end up in a good destination ultimately..you still have a lot of life to live. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your post reminded me of Eva Cassidy’s rendition of “People Get Ready”- it’s a song about a train…! Hope you don’t mind but I’m praying for you 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
That’s such a great song and she had a stunning voice.
LikeLiked by 1 person
On the other hand, it’s been three years and you’ve made it this far! Before you know it, you’ll be in control again and you’ll realize you’re enjoying life again. Hang in there.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes you must and our best wishes are with you and your son.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Small steps. Great things start small. Don’t pressure yourself. Just enjoy making little contacts and seeing what develops. Where little signs of happiness are most likely to flourish.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Small steps are the best way to go. You know this so well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gary,
Don’t lock yourself in that train.
Don’t force yourself to open its doors either.
And don’t get off just because people tell you that’s your station.
That’s a special train you’re on; it’s wiser than most give it credit for. It’ll take you where you need to go, it’ll stop at the right station some day – but just fuel up on lots of thanksgiving.
If there’s one thing we need to make grief hurt less, it’s gratitude and thanksgiving. You can’t have too much of it.
But too little and it will turn grief to poison.
LikeLiked by 4 people
It’s just about seeing where the train goes without forcing it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
🙏
LikeLike
take your time with that train and on that train, remember every passenger, conductor, driver is different.
LikeLiked by 4 people
It is. In my case probably the conductor thinks the passenger is a bit of a Pratt…..
LikeLike
Not at all. Just finding the way x
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s a good feeling when you find the way.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You will
LikeLiked by 2 people
🙏
LikeLike
A long long time ago the world decided to spin on it’s axis once every 24 hours giving us sunshine followed by darkness in approximately 50/50 amounts. It also decided to make a circle of the Sun once every 365.25246 days, making sure we remember/relive certain days once a year like clockwork. You owe the world nothing – you only owe yourself, and your son, the best possible life you can give the two of you.
I wonder what she thinks? What does she tell you when you ask her?
One thing i have learned is that a situation can seem very different if you can find a different place to view it from. If you can’t see a way out you are either too close to focus properly or too distant to see the signposts easily.
Stop the train at the next station, hop off and take a walk and see if you can see from a different place where the tracks are leading, then, if you have to, you can always get back on the train and see how you go?
I 23rd the comments above who think you are doing a brilliant job raising your son, by the way. 🙂
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you sir. Yes the day was a little shorter a long time ago. Doesn’t seem like that some days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The long, dark teatime of the soul….
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very long and dark.
LikeLiked by 1 person
☕ 🙏
LikeLiked by 2 people
🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have faith in you. Your son may find independence, but he will always be by your side
LikeLiked by 3 people
I hope so. Thank you sir
LikeLiked by 1 person
You owe it to your son to show him you can be happy too. That life does go on, just in a different direction. You deserve happiness too.
I was amazed at almost 3 years I was still ‘confused’. But one day it will stop. And you will realize to make Son happy, you need to be happy. You know his Mum would want you to continue on. It took me 2 1/2 years to find someone that made me feel good enough to move on. I don’t know where Gary and I will end up. I just know for me being happy makes my children/grandchildren happy.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I’m pleased that you are happy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And I want to see YOU happy. Let yourself be happy…..you can do it. And you’ll see a positive change in your son too. Hugs you!
LikeLiked by 2 people
🙏
LikeLike
You’re doing well. You’ll take control when the time is right. Be proud of who you are, as a father and strong man in general. 🤗
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
ti auguro di ritrovare e sgarbugliare ogni nodo della tua vita, e che la tua vita sia piena, da genitore e da persona: auguri e saluti dall’Italia
I wish you to rediscover and grind every node of your life, and that your life is full, from parent to person: greetings and greetings from Italy
LikeLiked by 2 people
saluti da un soleggiato yorkshire
LikeLiked by 1 person
One day it will come…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let’s hope you. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
✌️💕💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you x
LikeLiked by 1 person