After years of trying to grow just one chilli in the subtropical climate which is Yorkshire we get to this. In about 10 years this is as good as it gets. Two huge Guinness Book of Record Largest Chilli winners. But after all the years of failure I will take these mini wins.

The one thing you learn with bereavement is that every persons grief journey is different. Regardless of what the textbooks tell you ITS UP TO YOU to find your own route through the minefields you find yourself stuck in the middle of. Some can do it within months. Others it takes longer, sometimes much longer.

I was listening to a bereaved man on the radio. He had starting dating again within a couple of months of the funeral. He was remarried within 6 months. In his words he had ‘grieved for about 6 weeks then it was time to start again”. When asked if he still grieved he said ‘No I have moved on’. That was his way through and out of the minefields.

One of the saddest and most beautiful things I have ever heard was an elderly chap who had lost his wife. Every wedding anniversary he took his wife’s ashes out to the same restaurant. He would sit and have his meal alone with the ashes. Nobody knows what he would say but he frequently cried. He’s been doing that for over 20 years. Maybe that’s someone who has chosen not to leave the minefield.

I’ve been in the grief minefield for 3 years now. But that’s only part of the story. No real time to grieve as I had to step up to being a single parent. I needed (still need) to give our son the best possible childhood he could possibly have under these circumstances. In my brain parenting became more important than grieving. My way out of the minefield frequently became muddled and lost . What happened was often parenting driven rather than grief oriented. For example.

Three years of virtually no social contact happened not because of grief rather because of having a young kid with Aspergers.

In those three years my not so great social skills have become extremely limited.

Last week I had a lunchtime coffee with four of the mums from our sons school. I’ve done that a couple of times over the last 3 years. It’s only for 30 minutes or so. In my case it’s now Peppermint Tea rather than Coffee. It’s about my only non-son social life these days, certainly since the world changed. Talk about wooden. I end up just listening. Luckily the mums are really nice and I think they understand. It’s a start. A little dip of the toe back into the big bad world. It’s a mini win. At least I’m not still in the middle of the minefield.

So like the chilli in Yorkshire. I will take the little wins. I think it shows that I probably want to make my way out of the minefield eventually but I have to admit – I’m not entirely certain about that….

51 thoughts on “Yorkshire Chilli

  1. I like this.

    A lot!

    But I also think it isn’t totally about choice to leave or not to leave the minefield of grief. I think that puts rather a lot of pressure on those of us who are desperately trying to leave, but feel we are failing when we just can’t leave.

    I see grief as on a continuum, that sometimes has big potholes in it, and we inevitably, forever, will sometimes fall down those potholes, to loop back around over ground we think we have already covered.

    It never leaves. We just learn – sometimes very slowly – how to deal with that pain, that loss.

    That gaping hole in our lives 💔❤.

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and feel uplifted that you have that small coffee group who appear to empathise x

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You may think you have not been grieving but you are grieving in your own way right now!! Talking about it indicates that you are. We all grieve differently. I’m glad you have not put a lid on it and have this outlet! Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your journey! 🦋💔🦋

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I agree with what Horsesrcumin wrote.
    There are zero rules. You grieve and live however seems right for you. I’m glad you have the little parent social, its something. There’s no law that says you have to date again until you’re ready. That may be next week or never.

    Raising a child on the spectrum takes more focused attention than a neurotypical child. Ben is so much more time-intensive than both my daughters together, and you’re doing it alone. And doing an amazing job of it too.

    Date IF you want to, WHEN you want to. Meanwhile, enjoy those incredible peppers😉
    💌

    Liked by 2 people

  4. A colleague of mine lost his wife when his 3 daughters were very young. One or 2 a preschooler. He chose to wait with dating till all three of his children were grown up and out of the house. He chose to make his children his focus. Sounds familiar.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. After having read your blog for a while now, there are many ways to look at your bereavement/ parenting process. The one you are choosing seems to be appropriate for you. I do hope it works in the long run.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. My experience of grief is that if you don’t have anyone or anything to keep it together for you can become a total liability to your own life and it still take around 5 years to start moving on. I think perhaps the slow drip drip of grief you can allow yourself is the pace you can cope with. There is no rush and grief leaves you vulnerable so I would say as much as you are holding your son up and getting him through, his needs are doing the same for,you. One thing is so clear from your posts, you make an excellent partnership.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I think it’s quite fair to say those chilies are doing their best considering the environment they have to put up with, which, it has to be said, is less than their usual optimum.

    I believe their appearance and health could be improved by doing something to provide them with an environment a little more suited to their needs!?

    No, i don’t mean pack up and move them to Mexico ( although………..???) but maybe some kind of greenhouse structure might give them some reprieve from the ‘beautiful’ Yorkshire weather/climate?

    Maybe giving them some protection from frequent buffering storms or depressing temperature changes might let them grow as they were designed to do into big, bright, beautiful, sweet and/or fiery peppers (we know them as capsicums Down Under!).

    Being vegetables they are unlikely to be much good at moving themselves to somewhere they would normally thrive and so must rely upon their owner to give them a fighting chance in an unloving environment that they are unfamiliar with.

    You can learn a lot about life from plants. 😉 🥀 ⛅

    Liked by 3 people

  8. So happy you had that lunch, even if you only listened – and beautiful that they allowed you that.

    I don’t know… I think you’re doing the grief thing as well as you can, and in the way that’s best for you. You don’t linger too long in sorrow’s garden because your son needs you, yet, you don’t deny your grief and pretend it doesn’t hurt either.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. A thought occurred to me. Are there any meet-ups of autistic adults in your area. Not saying you’re autistic (but you totally are…) but they are by far the most accommodating people I’ve hung out with. In our monthly group we have members who never say a single word and yet it’s not awkward at all.
    Anyway, just a thought if you wanted more than those few moms. Maybe a few years down the line.
    Wish I knew autistic folks in Yorkshire.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Definitely a mini win. Sometimes I think I find relief that I cannot join certain social outings because I know Declan wouldn’t like them. Because also, when I became a stay at home mom my meager social skills took a major hit too. I think I would do the same. Sit and listen. Mini win!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. You know, in a very different way, from how this might sound, you’ve got this. By that I mean, you know everyone is different and that is a huge thing, you know you will do what is right for you and is actually very important because it removes that pressure of saying,..oh this is what they say will happen and it’s not. Ever person is different in all approaches to life. Even having that coffee/ okay tea.. is a way of getting through things. It may feel like you are sat there head full of cotton wool and nowt to say, but it is an hour you have done that. So take the little wins. Oh BTW that chilli looks damn fine. I have a friend who only grows mini ones anyway and they have some kick so you just say it is a giant mini….

    Liked by 2 people

  12. This DOES sound like a good start, it really does. It’s like Biff learning what it means to be social–often we just need to be present first, and know it’s acceptable we’re there. Then in time, when we’re comfortable around these people, we find something we feel comfortable sharing with them, and accept what they say. And go from there. xxxxxx

    Like

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