Yorkshire weather. Good running weather. Why would I want to run in dry warm windless conditions. Well that’s what I tell myself. Maybe I’m like Count Dracula. I would turn to dust in direct sunlight. I wonder what I would do if someone offered me the chance though.

I’m mind wrestling with something at the moment. My partner was an epic traveller. She visited so many countries. It was her extravagance. From her late teens she would save up during the year for one great adventure. Family and her adventures was what she lived for. The adventures only stopped when we became a family. Her dream was that when our son became older we could have adventures together. The two places she always talked about was New Zealand (would have been her first time) and Chile. She always said that we would all love Chile.

Then life happened.

I really want to complete those journeys for her. Our Autism World may preclude that. Circumstances may preclude it. But we will see. I most admit a part of me doesn’t want to do those trips. It’s just not right that it would only be the two of us.

Sorry I digress. Back to my mind wrestling. So many adventures and so many photographs. All sat neatly and well organised in carefully stored albums. Here is the dilemma. Part of me wants to do a retrospective photo journal. Tell her travel story. Her trip to the Soviet Union (gives you an idea of the timeframe) maybe would be a great starting point. YET another part of me recoils at the idea. What if she hates that idea. What if I’m breaking some unwritten bond of trust. It’s like having two competing voices on either shoulder each shouting differing viewpoints on life.

She’s not here anymore. What’s the problem!

YOU KNOW SHE WOULD SAY NO. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOUR SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT THIS!

But this feeling is something I’ve grown used to over these three years. On virtually every major decision I have these doubts. ‘What do I want to do’ balanced against ‘what would she do’. I try to see the world through my eyes and at the same time through her eyes. Problem is that we were two completely different characters. We each had our own unique take on the world. We would frequently disagree on the right answer. Often we would compromise. I’m still trying to compromise now. Yet I can’t replicate her thought process. I never could and I never will. I’m probably getting her point of view completely wrong. But I still do it.

Maybe other people do this. Maybe it’s just me sinking further into cabin fever.

So am I going to publish this travel journal? I don’t know. WE still haven’t decided.

54 thoughts on “Mind wrestling”

  2. Let’s see you stated she was an adventurer. Hmm I think I would have loved her . When I think of her as this I see an open mind with a bit mix of stubborn and I bet she would laugh and say really you want to write this with a smile and a chuckle . But that’s just me thinking. I love you two where opposites . It would have been boring otherwise. I think you should do what feels right .. listen to your gut instinct and I’m sure she would agree. .. hope I didn’t over step my friend..

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  3. She considered you her life partner too. What makes you happy makes her happy. Something like that…

    So I say she would want you to do what feels right to you right now. Only you know the answer. If not yet, it will come.

    Another perspective would be to consider this a journey for your son to get to know a part of her he didn’t, doesn’t. He may one day understand a part of her through the travel stories told by you as you remember them that he can’t understand in her absence now.

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  4. I used to struggle with this, too. Then, one day my son rather testily said, “Mom! Dad’s not here. You do what you want.” Out of the mouths of babes. Since then, I’ve probably done more than a few things that Paul would not have agreed with and, well, I felt pretty good about it because if they turned out to be mistakes they were my mistakes to make and learn and grow from. That feels good to me. Gary, I have every confidence that you will make the right decision.

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  5. You could do it as a tribute to her life.
    Pictures are a way to never forget that she lived.
    I struggled with the pictures, but have many of my Love in albums. However, not as many as I wish I had. I wish I had a picture of every happy time we had. For those pictures that are missing, I have to rely on memories.

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  9. Have you asked your son what he thinks about the idea? Would he be interested in working with you to compile a travel journal?

    Also, keep in mind that, just because you have made a travel journal, you are not under any obligation to actually publish it.

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  11. I am sure she would give her permission for anything that helps you heal, all mothers just ultimately want their family to be happy and live their best, healthiest and most fulfilling life, I am sure that’s what she would want for you and your son too.

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  12. She chose to live with you all those years. She chose to have a child with you and was discussing having another child with you. She would trust you to make the best decisions for you and your son in the here and now. if you do come to New Zealand let me know and we can meet up somewhere. Yes I know it is a lot of money to fly here, we are rather off the beaten track for air fares. But visit if you can.

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  14. I know this is your decision to make with your partner, but I think it is a great way to keep her memory alive. To share her journey so she is with us all – then she would be doing some more epic traveling. And I think it comes down to intention too, you would be sharing her travels out of love and what can be wrong with that?

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  16. You will have realised by now that I have published photographic memories of two late wives and one son. I was unable to do this for a while but have felt relief in doing so. It seems to me that your Swiss Sundays are a foot in the water.

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  17. Gary, I love reading about your journey. If it would be helpful, I think your partner wouldn’t mind your sharing her journeys. But if I can say, I wouldn’t take a trip to a place you don’t want to go unless you and your son agree to do it in your partner’s honor. And let yourself be led by her to something magical. If I may be so bold, I think it’s time for the two of you to define where YOU want to go and make those plans. As others have said, we await news of your decision!

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  19. Your partner loved you as you are- your moral decisions included. Trying to juggle two sets of morals sounds very confusing! Perhaps it would be nice to rely upon your own judgement alone and trust in her love for you?

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