It’s been a grey moody day. It never once looked like clearing. At least it didn’t rain for a change.

The zero based hours contract gave me me three hours work today. For the next couple of weeks any work demands will be minimal. Not great for the bank account but it allows me to now focus on our son. So with a couple of days before the school breaks up – Christmas is about to start in earnest. So an early warning. You may get a few Christmas Parent Diary entries coming your way. Hopefully most will focus on the happy side of life. It almost certainly will feature a few cooking disasters. In fact let’s sort the first diary entry out right now.

So after the work dried up it and the grey run was completed it was time for a bit of baking. Time to make a stunning gluten free stollen cake. A few chaotic shopping trips had stocked up the larder with all the ingredients. This time it’s going to be baking heaven. Hang on a minute where’s the marzipan. As I love the stuff I bought 4 slabs worth. But where are they. Absolutely no sign. Don’t you just hate it when that happens. No problem I will just pop to the local store. Don’t stock it but they did have infeasible amounts of glazed cherries. So off to the supermarket. How can a supermarket run out of marzipan. How can the only other store reasonably close by also have none in stock. I gave up so let’s just make a Christmas cake. Three hours later I’m looking at a baking abomination. Crispy on the outside, undercooked on the inside and a ginormous sinkhole at its centre. The birds will eat well tomorrow.

So ends the first Christmas diary entry. But let’s do the diary preface now.

Christmas can be lovely and fun but wow can it hurt. It’s one of those times which naturally draws you to what you have lost. I was reading a blog which talked about this in such a haunting way.

All aboard! The holiday struggle-bus is pulling into the station, and I’ve got a ticket to ride.

That bus hit me yesterday. I was simply wrapping our sons presents up. Instantly I’m taken back a few years. Christmas music on. A couple of glasses of wine. My partner a ninja master at unwinding the cellotape and securing the edges of the wrapping paper. Unbelievably I was an expert at finding the best way to wrap the presents up. The perfect production line. So effective and so loving.

Now I sit on the floor with a tea and whatever is on the radio. To be honest I’m not listening. The presents are still being wrapped well but the cellotape has won the battle royal. It’s wrapped around my fingers, on my clothes, stuck to furniture and yet refusing to go anywhere near the wrapping paper. Love and happiness replaced with frustration and sadness. It’s never going to be like it was. That love is not going to be replaced. Those shared dreams are binned. It’s a truly sickening feeling.

It’s so easy to forget that this can be such a tough time for so many you are bereaved. For so many in pain. For so many without anything. For so many who are lonely. My heart goes out to you. You have a soulmate here.

Yes over the next few weeks this blog might get a bit silly. I really hope it does because it shows that I’m doing my only important job. Trying to make Christmas as fun as possible for our son. But underlying it will be someone still grieving what has been lost. My hope is that some of that Christmas magic which hopefully is enveloping our son will rub off on me. Showing that you can grieve but it’s still possible to have fun. If it works for me I really prey it’s rubs off on you as well.

73 thoughts on “Christmas Diaries 1”

  2. This is your baking disaster soulmate here. Chocolate chip cookies spread out like a pond in the oven yesterday. Who on earth messes up chocolate chip cookies🙁
    Give us Christmas Diaries and don’t hold back. Your stories are ours too in so many ways.

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  6. You are such a sweet man . My heart breaks for you. Life can be so unfair, but you are so amazing how you are getting through this. Be as silly as you want. And replace the Christmas music with some loud rock music. You’re not alone. So many as I am thinking of you and your son. So yes, write the silly. the sad the angry, the memories of posts and let us help you through this. 💕

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  7. I hate to say this, but some years Christmas is something you just need to get through so you can go on with life. Other years it’s better. It sounds like you plan to have fun with your son. Good luck and happy holidays!

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  8. “That sickening feeling”…I know just the one. A song, a glance, an ornament, a food, anything can trigger it. I’m glad work is light so you can focus on your son. Keep the diary entries coming. There is baking in my future. We can compare notes! Malia

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    1. I bet your baking is better than mine. I’m going for the stollen cake tomorrow if the supermarket has restocked it’s marzipan supplies. What are you trying I might have a go as well. I really hope that train parks up and you can get a lot more smiles. You deserve that. I hope you have some stuff which you can focus on. It does help. That’s why I am so lucky.

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      1. “Cookie” post coming soon! Guarding the recipe until then 😉 Would love the recipe for stollen cake. Paul’s mother talks about her English/Scottish immigrant family baking these in the Carolinas when she was little.

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  10. lol..first of all..thank you for the chuckle with “the birds will eat well tomorrow ” Honestly, my day was so bleak it was the first time i smiled and it’s 2:15 am( i’m on my night shift).And the description of the cellophane disaster..haha! But seriously, i can feel your pain as well in your writing. I realize this may sound glib and i apologize but i just cant find anywhere what happened to your partner. It sounds like she passed away?

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      1. oh my! so sorry…thanks for explaining..i wasn’t sure if it was divorce or something else and i didn’t want to say anything stupid. i cannot imagine how hard this has been for you..you have my sincere hugs and blessings

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  13. I love reading your posts. You write so well on such challenging subjects. I pray that Christmas brings you and son love, joy and peace, even if it is tinged with sadness
    I have the same battle with cellotape!

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  14. I absolutely love marzipan and stollen! And look forward to your silliness. This Christmas is set to be a combination of miserable and wonderful for us. Hopefully less of the former and more of the latter for us all.

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  16. This touches my heart on such a deep level. This past year has brought us so close to losing my husband – so close. It had a way of bringing into close focus all that is really important in life. Presents are great. Christmas trees are beautiful. Music is lovely. But without that special someone to share it all with it can be gut wrenching to even imagine. My heart goes out to you and your son. I hope you do have fun times, even as you struggle with the loss of your special someone. God bless you and may the season bring you moments of such sheer joy it takes your breath away.

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