Another grey day. Cheating a bit here. This photo was from yesterday. I never got that far today…

This morning the mist was much thicker. This time it was freezing fog. That awful stuff where all the dampness turns to ice as soon as it touches the ground. An invisible layer of sheet ice. Perfect running conditions. Not.

After two hundreds yards I had landed on my backside twice. The second including a beautiful slide into a road gutter. A third attempt ended 50 yards later as I went face first this time. Somehow I did a beautiful front somersault and landed on my feet again. Quickly looking round to see no one had witnessed my MVP sporting moment of 2019. That was it. An abandonment. A wise abandonment as I slipped over a couple of times on my short journey home.

It was so frustrating. With the Christmas School Holiday starting Friday I only had two more running opportunities left. After that the next run will be several days into 2020. But it is what it is. Hopefully a run tomorrow then I will make the best of home based exercises. At least for two weeks I won’t be running around like Bambi on ice. In my case that’s not a pleasant image. Especially as it’s from a time when Bambi has let himself go a bit….

While I was mind numbingly bored on the exercise plan b option. The exercise bike. I started thinking again about bereavement and grief. Looking back I recalled that for ages I was not able to talk about the circumstances surrounding my partners death. Every time it came up I broke down almost immediately. Now when I talk about it I’m almost very matter of fact. Almost devoid of emotion. In an hear a few cry so your over it now. Yet the other emotional triggers still set me off. Anniversaries. Special Days. A movie moment. A song line. Moments alone. Stressful times. An unexpected find.

It’s almost as if I have accepted her actual death but I haven’t accepted that she is no longer here. In reality I am so lucky. I have so many memories and her precious son – our son. I will gratefully run with them. Yes I’m going to fall. Going to fall often. But I need to pick myself up and treasure what is still left. This is a long term project.

62 thoughts on “Long term project”

  1. Thank you, It was a real pleasure to read your post Bambi on ice. So full of emotions at the same time…
    You might want to change the name of your blog as “Bambi On Ice” 😊 Thanks for keeping me away from my ridiculous problems 😞 Life… We never understand it… 🌹
    I know I am so far away, but am ready to listen when you need a stranger to talk to ..

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  2. Well, that was not a good run. Happy you didn’t get hurt. I’m sure very muddy. Grief has no time limit. And anyone who says it does has never really felt a loss. Or they found some magical way not to feel it. Keep pressing on. Life will throw reminders but you will get through them

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  4. You are more resilient than I, for the first time I fell, that would have been it … “Bye bye, heading home to my nice hot cuppa and warm blankie!” I’m glad, though, that you didn’t break anything! If it helps, we didn’t even see the sun for 10 straight days, had 2″ of snow on Sunday night, then another inch or so on Monday night, and today’s high temp was -12° C. Hang in, my friend. Not, you never forget, and you’ll never completely heal, but the day will come when you suddenly realize that … it is easier, that you can breathe again. When? Who knows. You’ve got a mega load on your shoulders, so it takes time. Hugs … and someday, coffee with real hugs!

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      1. We had to go out on Wednesday to get a Christmas tree … I had on jumpers, and a hat, but no gloves. Do you know how cold your hands can get inside of just a few minutes without gloves? I’m hibernating after Christmas!!!

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  5. Great analogy! You really DO have a way with words!
    I’m trying to get all the errands done before Friday😱 School breaks are rough… change in routine, boredom… I think Ben is thrilled to get on the bus by the time break is over😂

    Remember… when you fall, you jump back up, say “Ta Da” and take a bow😉
    💌

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  6. I think you are doing an amazing job and you are also helping so many others. Yes, we fall, but the important thing is you get back up time after time. You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. Your honesty is moving and encouraging. Prayers continue for you and your son.

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  8. You are doing great. Grief has no ‘best before’ date on it. You simply have to go with it, until you just simply run out of it. But it can be put on the back shelf of the cupboard from time to time. Hope you and son experience some good fun this Christmas. Happy holidays to you both! 🎄

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  10. Not going to lie – I laughed a bit when I all of a sudden had an image of Bambi sitting in a chair, scratching his big belly with a hoof and picking his teeth with a bit of straw 🙂 I love your overall analogy though. That’s great. Hopefully you get a GREAT run out there. My last one was with a lot of short steps too as I was afraid of ice – but may our grounds thaw and our legs be long and merry 🙂

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    1. Can I sue you for that big belly quote……. one day I will look like Clooney… No run today, just too wet and windy. But had a good exercise bike session. I’m looking at it as a two week recovery period for the legs. Yes I hope your legs are long and pain free. Will you run over Christmas. I hope so. x

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      1. Oh no! Not you – I was just thinking of a cartoon Bambi looking like that and laughed. Oh good! Glad you had a great bike session. I hope to run some. We’ll see! x

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  11. How did you manage to get that photo so clear? I went out yesterday to get some ‘atmospheric’ photographs and, when I loaded them into the computer, they were covered in orbs … wonder if it was anything to do with being in the cemetery at the time! Perhaps it was the freezing fog on my lens … must remember to wipe it next time. 🙂

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  12. This sounds like a good plan. I try to remember the funny and happy times, hopefully overshadowing the sick or bad times. Carry on, and for a laugh I’ll tell you a little story. When I was little, I used to exercise with my mom in the dining room— it was a large room in a big farmhouse. She would get out a record player and put on an old time voice recording of army physical exercises. Some were put to music. One was squats to some funny tune I can’t remember the name of, but here is a similar recording 😄🤗

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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    1. Wow that sounds like my old football coach. He would get us to squat then he would try to roll a football under our bums. If he couldn’t then he would say ‘now that’s a squat’ if he could roll it then he would say ‘that’s not a squat your buttock muscles are having a laugh’.

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  13. I need to say to myself “I will always miss him”, that allows whatever is there to not feel rushed. Breathing can be hard this time of year, laughing even harder. But you are doing great!! And your son will love sharing whatever silly exercise routine you do together. He will be out of his routine too! Hugs to you both.

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  14. Long term project is right. And I think it’s so important TO be able to talk to others about loved ones gone without immediately breaking down–it means you can share memories, happy moments, without drowning those happy times in tears. Yes, special days are still always…cracked, I think…like an ornament that shattered and you managed to glue back together. You can still have that ornament, still put it on the tree all bright and shining, but it’s always going to have those cracks. And in time, you expect to see the cracks when you unpack the ornament. You start to notice how the light catches in those cracks and glitters. And that broken ornament takes on an entirely different kind of beauty. xxxxx

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    1. That’s so beautifully said. Walking round the zoo today kept thinking that my partner didn’t ever make it to the zoo. I remember her saying maybe next time I will be well enough to walk round it. Never happened. But the zoo trips are still positive new memories. Hope your smiling today. xxxxxx

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