Plenty of water flowing under the bridge. The water seemingly never ending.
In the run up to Christmas I was worried that it would bring sadness and hurt. Anniversaries and big holidays do that. As it happened yes one or two wobbles but son seemed to enjoy himself. That’s the only thing that matters these days. So it’s late on Boxing Day and soon Christmas will have gone. Job done. I survived.
But the flow of grief never stops. It’s ebbs and flows. The calm often masks the arrival of a raging flood.
Unknowingly my attention for weeks has been focused on the goal. The goal of giving our son the best Christmas possible. A real focus. A real direction. Caught up in the growing excitement of a child looking forward to time off from school and still hooked on most things festive. That rubs off on the parent.
Now it’s the end of Boxing Day. Heralding the coming end of that special time. The end of the focus. Suddenly it hits me. A new year. A year of more school strife. Son spending so much time in a place, an institution (sadly seems a more apt term to use than school) which goes out of its way to constrain, belittle and make him feel without worth. Hence another year of soul destroying fights with the authorities. Trying to squeeze more work into those hated school hours. Failing to find a way to rebalance the books to allow for home schooling. Adjusting to a world of increasing isolation which currently is the path of our sons Aspergers journey. Sleepless nights and tired days. Living in a country which is becoming increasingly alien to me. All wrapped up in another year without my beloved partner.
Tonight that is a truly haunting feeling. Son is in bed so no distraction from these worries. Suddenly I feel low. Very low. Feeling so unprepared for 2020. For all my fears Christmas provided a much needed boost. Something positive to focus on. Something tangible which I could have an impact on.
This haunting feeling will pass. It must pass. No one to step in if I shut down. Like most parents I will do what ever it takes for our children. A few tears tonight I suspect but tomorrow let’s make some more laughter for our son. OUR SON as it’s still our son. Yes I’m carrying the baton but he’s still our son. I just can’t drop that baton now. So after January 1st I will find a way to go again. Maybe it will be the year of progress. Maybe I will end up reposting these words next year as nothing has changed. Like the river I’m sure the bouts of sadness and loneliness will keep flowing. Constant stream of perpetual tiredness. But the good times and smiles will also flow. Yes remember that river – it keeps flowing – I keep going.
Hopefully we can be little ray of sunshine in your life ππ¬ππ€ΈββοΈπ€ΉββοΈππ¬π΄π¦π»π₯ππβππ
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Your beach trips definitely where. Loved them.
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That’s great π
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I hope that the coming year is better than this. Full of great new things and hope.
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Thank you Sadje.
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Always a pleasure Gary!
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π
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Bittersweet and beautiful… Dont worry, between you, me & Rory they’ll be plenty of dumb injuries to keep us laughing.
Cry the tears you need to, but keep laughing too.
π
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I head butted the fridge this morning trying to get the fruit juice out. It was funny.
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Such beautiful reflections but hauntingly sad. There’s hope for the coming year π
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Always hope.
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She would of been so proud of you both I am sure. X
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Thatβs very kind. I do hope so. x
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Keep holding the baton. Rivers do indeed keep flowing along. Small steps. xxx
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Any steps are good. Are you off on any travels soon. xxx
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Not going to Glencoe till may but we hope to get to Prague too roundabout then.
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Prague would be great for you.
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we were there in Feb but the Mr wants to go when it’s warmer the better to enjoy all the street stalls. Mind you the mulled wine stall was just grand.
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I guess I would settle for the cold and mulled wine. It is a stunning place.
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I know. He just feels the cold you know. I have Raynauds. I never know whether it is hot or cold.
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Iβve got that in my left arm. Ever since I ripped my bicep. Itβs a bizarre feeling.
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Yes it is. My hands are a mass of cuts and burns you know. It is an odd thing.
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Sodβs law it always leads to the other hand getting hurt…
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Ocht well. Just life.
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It is
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There always seems to be a dip in our mood once Christmas Day is over, and then a whole new year lies ahead with its adventures and challenges. But you will be fine, Gary, because you are not all-consumed with your own difficulties – you care about others too. I pray that God is with you, sending lots of good times … and lifting you up in the challenging ones.
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Thank you so much. x
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How would you feel about leaving your son for an hour or so to do something for yourself (of an evening) occasionally? Perhaps you are already and Iβve failed to pick it up…. I started about a year ago, occasionally leaving my daughter for an hour or so during the day or for an hour in the evening whilst still in the village. It was as much to build up my own confidence as anything.
At first, it was such a novelty I was completely blown away but now I am not so excited. It does feel good to have a bit of non-work related adult time, though, even if it is only about once a month π
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The max is about 10 minutes. If I take the dog by myself – even if I say Iβm only in the village. Any longer and he comes to find me.
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Poor boy! Does he have a phone he could use to contact you? Maybe over time you can lengthen the number of minutes…. one day he will be an adult and needs to be able to function without you – which Iβm sure must be something youβre concerned about, too – so itβs for your son as well as your own sanity.
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We have tried the phone one. It works for a few minutes.
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Well, I feel for you, being so tied. I had about ten years of this, till my daughter started high school.
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Itβs not a good feel. But so so many get less sleep than me.
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I donβt follow your reference to sleep. You mean literally or metaphorically?
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In reality
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Well, at least you get some sleep!
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Better than no sleep.
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Like the river Iβm sure the bouts of sadness and loneliness will keep flowing
One day, that river will sweeten.
Hang in there, Gary. I’m holding you up in prayer.
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Thank you so much. x
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I experienced stress before I went to my families Christmas party. Itβs normal when you have a lot going on at once. You and your son will be okay in time
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Thank you. Did you enjoy it.
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I did. I brought my puppy with and he went crazy. He was happy to see everyone too
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Puppy craziness is the best.
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Hopefully the new year will be a really great year. My fingers are crossed for you and your son. Hugs!
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Thank you Robyn. I really hope itβs a good one for you. Full of best ever times. xxx
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You have reached a good place
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Itβs somewhere to build a future.
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Yes, life just keeps on, another day and another, sometimes itβs okay and sometimes itβs not. Good advice from the river analogy, go with the glow and try to keep your head above water. Youβre not Superman, but you are trying. Hugs!
Sent from my iPad
>
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Trying is hopefully something I do every day. A bit of Superman would be good though.
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You are making beautiful music with that baton – sometimes mournful and poignant, at other times light, bubbly, joyful. Life will continue to offer challenges. And it will continue to offer reprieve from the arduous journey. You continue to uplift, to inspire, to offer hope. You, sir, are an amazing human being raising another amazing human being. I am so glad I chanced upon your blog and truly humbled and moved by your honesty, by your words. May 2020 bring more goodness than you ever dreamed of and more help on your journey. Keep the faith. You truly are doing an awesome job. You are teaching your son by example, and that is where the true lessons lie. God bless you both.
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Thank you so much. x
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You are kindly welcome β€
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wow Gary, got your name at last! You really have touched so many people’s hearts, the resonance and love from these messages is amazing.
Is a geographical move possible … to help with schooling issue and grief. No idea of your housing and work situation but sometimes radical action can bring huge rewards. But only you would know … if you could find a Montessori or Steiner school, wow. Only you know what supports you have locally but thinking about it in a different way might help, maybe β€
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Yes doing the same thing over and over is not going to work. x
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you got it … no idea how you can deal with it but talk to someone you respect and brainstorm your options π
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Thank you
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Beautiful river. Beautiful life. May you and your son have a more peaceful 2020!! π€π»
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Thank you. Hope yours is great.
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Iβm so sorry your feeling so down. I can relate , different scenario but know that dreadful feeling. With no distraction to break it. Just need to keep pushing forward . Hugs to you and thinking of you.π
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Sending you hugs as well.
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Thank you so much.
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I really respect your attitude toward your son. I’m really sorry that his school is so “19th century” for lack of a better term.
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It feels like a Victorian School. Thank you
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After getting a phone call from the school about Bash…yup. We must keep going. We must ebb and flow, because THEY do. The more we teach our sons to move with the ebb and flow, the more prepared they’ll be to move on their own. They will not learn the skill without our example.
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This is so true. Hope everything is ok. I take it that stuff is still crazy.
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As crazy as ever. But we live on! xxxxx
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You will get your reward later. xxxxx
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