Feels like a brief moment of calm before the next storm blasts in. Looks like two days of storm force winds and solid heavy rain. The ground is already completely saturated so I have got no idea where the water is going to go this time. I fear many homes are getting flooded out.

It was another sleepless night so I ended up watching a Ski Jumping Competition on the telly. I’m always fascinated by the music which blasts out at these events. It’s definitely based on quantity rather than quality. But occasionally they play a classic. Recently a popular classic has been American Pie. I do like the song but I’m not sure it’s really that suitable for Ski Jumping. Imagine being the poor Ski Jumper stood at the top of the huge hill trying to psych himself up before he leaps into the unknown and he hears the following lines blast out

Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

That would certainly make me think twice about flying 140m with nothing more than a small helmet. Unsettling. A bit like this afternoon when I went for a run. It was a decent run until the MP3 player on its random programme picked out Madness – It Must Be Love. That was one of my partners favourite songs. It was one of our favourite songs. Almost instantly the tears started rolling down my face. My energy levels just evaporated. Suddenly I felt old, out of place and definitely out of step with life. I would definitely have stopped if I hadn’t time constraints. Needed to get back in time to do the school run. So I sadly trundled on.

It’s amazing the effect that something so inconsequential as a silly little song can have on you. But often the little things get woven into life and memories. They then become part of you. When someone dies these little things stay with you. Reminders of a chapter in your life that has now closed. Yes you can still reread the words but sadly you cannot ever add to to it again. You have to move on. Open new chapters in your book. That’s the challenge people trekking along on their grief journey must face. If and when to start on a new chapter. On my run today it felt like I was a million miles from that new section of my book. But that was today. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

74 thoughts on “American Pie

  1. Hello Gary. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through. However your mentioning suddenly feeling old reminded me of something that happened a couple decades ago. A young barely 20 years old gay couple became friends with us. Sadly in circumstances I won’t bother you with the one partener died. The other partner moved away to heal and we met up again in a few years. That viberant 20 year old now looked middle age, tired, old, face lined, and graying hair. He was still grieving his lost love. I wish you every best thing possible. I am glad you can see some rays of bright sunshine sometimes. Best wishes, hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Random music can be odd, bittersweet or comical. When the ex and I decided to get that piece of paper after 18 years, there was a mixed music CD? Tape? playing in the background of the ‘ceremony’. The theme from the movie “The Sting” came on and I almost started laughing like a loon.

    Lovely pics! A rainbow is always a gift! You’ll weather this storm, best as you can… the sun will come out again.
    💌

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Sure Boris will stop it… Lol sorry couldnae help that. Seriously I hope so. I see how bad it all is down your way. We have a roaring gale here tearing at everything but truly so far,..I say that cos honest at one point I thought the bathroom window was going to come in and the study one there just now,.. but they didn’t, we have been very lucky.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I have songs too that I can’t listen to anymore without thinking of someone or some event – they do just trigger those memories. Not like yours, of course. Thinking of you and hoping you survive the next bout of weather well!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You gave me a laugh… and then a sigh. It’s a sad chapter, but there is definitely hope one day at a time. Okay I didn’t mean for that to rhyme. I don’t think I can help it… Poetry just spills out of me. Wow, those are sure pretty pictures for a stormy horizon. Prayers are going up again.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, music has a magic, to be sure. Sometimes it’s a warm blanket that comforts, other times it’s a rope that pulls, and pulls so hard we find ourselves breathless. The art of your first photo is perfect by the way. Prayin’ you’re well. Hugs from Wisconsin! xxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  6. A simple song can really open up a whole chapter in your life. Either the feelings are back again or they leave a bittersweet taste. You stated something here I think we all feel about it but maybe have not consciously been aware of it. “Yes you can still reread the words but sadly you cannot ever add to to it again.” I think that is what gives this feeling of finality and is the challenge of everyone grieving. It is said that time is healing… I don’t know, I think it simply depends. Maybe aspects of it. But as you said, a small trigger can give you an update about the process.
    Thanks for sharing this, Gary!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it needs time until we dare to turn around and only consider thinking of more doors waiting for us. How much time it needs is so individual as everybody is. There is so much that can keep from turning around. Some refuse to accept, some are feeling betrayed by life, some are feeling guilty, some simply want to take their time and linger in the energy of what was. It is all ok. But I believe that we should always remind us that that day needs to come and is supposed to come when we take a deep breath turn around, smile at life and welcome it again.

        My father died unexpectedly and instantly at the age of 65. All of a sudden, my mother was standing there not only with a heart full of grief but with a big house, a company she was not familiar with, a complex financial system, and much more. My parents were married for 44 years. My mom had a hard time, of course. She pushed herself to stay positive. Then she read that quote on my Website: “The lifespan is the same,
        whether you spend it laughing or crying.” From that moment on she made the decision to enjoy life and make use of the years and filling them with life.
        I hope you don’t mind my long comment.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Songs and music are killer triggers. When we were first married all those years ago Jackie and I used to follow Tom Paxton whenever he was in England. I was never able to listen to him again until we were reunited almost 40 years on.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am struck by some of the overlap between adjusting to life after the loss of a partner and adjusting to life after a brain injury. The day can suddenly turn due to something which causes sensory overload l an suddenly unable to function. In both of our cases we can talk about life before and life after…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s been 30 years since my Signficant Other died and I still have randim moments like that. But now even if they lead to tears, they’re happy memories.

    As for American Pie… I’m extremely confused by that choice at a sporting event!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I used to take a class that involved occasional individual performance. The music was redonk loud but when it was my turn I’d barely hear it (which sucked cause I was freestyle dancing to it). I wonder if it’s the same for them… in the zone and unaware of things around them.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. You really called music “inconsequential”? Ok, yes, in case of Madness poppy wannabe ska shit it indeed is. But usually I find music still a powerful mood enhancer and thought provoker.

    Liked by 1 person

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