Some random daffodils blooming next to our front window. These always make me smile as they just seemed to appear one year. I can’t remember planting them. Having said that, this is me…..
My mobile phone rang this morning. I could hear it somewhere really close but I just couldn’t find it before it rang off. A few minutes later I found me phone when I sat down. It was in my back pocket.
This morning it took me one hour to work out that it was Friday.
Sometimes there are no answers.
A few months back I was asked if I had found a magic bullet, a cure for it.
Sometimes there are no answers.
No it wasn’t the W.H.O. approaching me as a world expert on the search for a vaccine for the pesky virus. No don’t worry, I am still the same old dim witted goofball. No it was a parent from my sons last school. She had recently lost someone close and was really low with grief. She was desperate for the pain to go away.
Sometimes there are no answers.
Unfortunately I’ve not found a magic bullet, no cure or no vaccine that works with bereavement. It still hits me. It still hurts me. The days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years. I’m still waiting to gain acquired immunity. The route cause remains and will always remain. But I do believe that I have started to understand myself better. I am also slowly finding things that help with the symptoms. That’s something to cling on to. Sadly the things which help me, may not work for others. There is also no guarantee that what works today, will work tomorrow for me. I guess that’s the case not only for bereavement but for many other areas of life.
So what works for me (sometimes…)
- Exercise, weights and running
- Music
- Movies
- Nature
- Walking
- Climbing (I haven’t been able to climb in 4 years but just reading about it helps)
- AND above all focusing on making our son happy.
Today was one of those days when virtually everything on the list did not work. All I could do was throw myself into keeping son happy. That distracted me. It got me through the day. It numbed the symptoms but didn’t cure the route cause. Now it’s 2am and those dark soul symptoms are bubbling away again. Probably going to be a long sleepless night. Will watch some rubbish TV and will again ponder over the home finances spreadsheet. Don’t know why – it’s not going to look any better when I’m tired.
It’s a brand new day. A fresh start. The old problems and hurt will still be there. But maybe, just maybe it will be symptom free day and it will be a good one.
Stay safe my friends.
Talking/blogging helps me. Except with the financial stress. Today, I’ve been thinking about what to pay and what to skip as my finances dwindle. We got a 3 month reprieve on income taxes but, for me, the only thing that will be different in 3 months is that I’ll be even more broke.
And this is where xanax comes into play for me.
Still, I had stress dreams all night/day, including one where I thought I’d been hit in the head with a volleyball IRL. No cats nearby so I’m still confused.
LOLing at your nearby phone. I spent hours thinking today was Sat.
I hope you find your peace, and sleep!
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Yes so get that broke feel. The help that the government has announced misses me completely. So going to be more broke in 3 months. Let’s hope we both find peace and stress free sleep. x
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I think I’m going to qualify for the potential $1000 one-time assistance check but that will be it. But thank gawd I’m alone and own my house… I can’t imagine being a family who just lost all income and who rents. The state has put a moratorium on evictions and turning off essential utilities – but that screws landlords. And families will be evicted the second it’s legal again.
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Yes I fear that will happen as well.
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Given all the economic impact, I strongly fear a full global Depression. I hope it doesn’t get that far.
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Let’s hope our so called leaders can keep us ticking along somehow.
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Off topic: QVC is showing Temp-tations oven mitts for $16.5× USD. They match the ovenware. I thought of you.
I’m going to send back the drunk purchase of light bulbs cause I need the $$
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Cool. Last night ours was trying to sell me these dig a garden devices. Strangely they never called them by the common name. A spade or shovel.
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Lol… I wish I’smd seen that!!
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Even I wasn’t sold…
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My heart goes out to you dear friend. Hope your pain eases.
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It’s another day. Going to make the most of it. Hope your doing well. x
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I am. Thanks 🙏 Take care.
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Good x
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🙏😉
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Some days are just hard! Yesterday was that day for me. Today was much better! I hope Saturday is better than Friday for you!🤞
💌
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Tired yes but it’s a new day. x
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I truly believe its a lie we get over sad losses.. mine are just a raw as they were all of those years ago, maybe even more.. I think ours is a barbaric culture when it implies grief is an illness when we try to run from something it just chases us more to get our attention. I surrender to my grief more these days, that said all of your solutions are so important.. nature gives me the greatest relief of all, my dog, loving friends and lots and lots of good comedy…hugs and love ❤
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Hugs to you. One thing I’m better at is taking each day as it comes. Yesterday being rough doesn’t automatically mean today is.
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That is so true we just have to roll with the days tide as best we can. ⚘
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That’s exactly right x
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wishing you a peaceful Sunday…
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Thank you. You to x
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Take care too!
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You too. x
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Well for me… I didn’t have moments where I could process everything happening for me… it was too much all at once… so I placed it up on the shelf to handle the next death or life hit… it was boom boom boom…
I still had to be a mom, I still had to go forward and then I got cancer … Oh my god! Lol … can we stop already!!!
I kind of process now… I have my moments of memories which makes me miss them… terribly!!! I both find solace and pain in memories sometimes – I can feel the happiness I felt with them and at the same time the pain of missing them.
It is life, and I do have to move forward … it has happened, this is where I am… and how am I gonna proceed?
They never die because they are always alive in your heart and in your memories – yes it does make me cry sometimes – umm it’s hard. I miss them – I want them back!!
Realistically – not an option.
Ok – so I always constantly say “I’m not ready” for stuff because – I am learning how to be myself for myself?? So I am not ready…
I lost my family, and I went through a painful marriage – very different than yours … but I do know the intense pain of loss.
Grief is individual … to each person – there is a different way they process and handle… and there is no length of time you need to follow. Don’t let society tell you how to grieve. Take that off your shoulders.
Take your time, cry and let it out, remember memories – hold them close!! Never ever forget them.
You won’t ever get over the loss – I won’t – I am heartbroken with my losses – I have tears that just still flow… when I am alone… cause I am very private with that.
And time doesn’t heal… it just makes it further away…
You don’t expect these things to happen, and life doesn’t really give warnings – you don’t see it coming… so that aspect is hard to process too
I finally have moments I can process and that just makes me stronger – I miss them… but they would want me to carry forward …
If I tell my story about the deaths … umm… well I can’t yet… still too umm??? Much??
But… I’ll get there … and at this point is like crying over spilt milk – is what I have … is how it is… not to diminish the memory or how much I loved them… how much I still needed them… how much I wasn’t ready…
I just need to learn how to move forward differently than I imagined. But I keep them always always always in my heart
Yeah whatever little soft and little sensitive with this also. I miss them… I was not ready
I am kinda stuck in that cycle… but I’m learning and getting through it.
You will too… in your own time. ✌️😘 … is not ever easy to lose people you love.
I’m sorry you know that pain. ☹️😔💔… but on the bright side … you also knew that love 😉✌️ that blessed your life and you are left with a piece of that blessing always ❤️ In more ways than you realize.
Alright I’m done lol ✌️
Just sharing cause maybe helps?
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This is so true. We all need to find our own way. The one image that worked for me was imaging grief as a door to a room. Suddenly that door locks shut. It will never open again. I then have 2 choices to stand by the door and look through the window. I can see the room but never get back into it. Or I can stumble on and try and find other doors which are open. I decided to stumble on, but being me, I sometimes stumble back to the original locked door. Then I need to make the same decision again. Sending you hugs. xx
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That is a beautiful analogy.
I’m still processing a suddenly different life without them. I do ok mostly –
One time when I was a kid, my parents and I went to the mall… I was about 4…
Well we were walking in a department store – and each of my parents thought the other had my hand … but no one did…
We were walking near a lingerie area… and I reached my hand and felt the silky materials and got distracted by touching all of them lol … I didn’t realize my parents kept going as I went down those isles touching every fabric…
I was so excited about all the silky and soft materials I went to say something and realized they were gone, I felt panic… and being scared I started to cry…
The ladies that worked in that department found me just standing there crying. So they calmed me down brought me to a little table, where they gave me a juice and cookies.
I was content and forgot all about being panicked.
They announced over the loud speaker to the whole mall – if you are missing a young child by the name of “blah blah blah” please come to the lingerie department in Sears 😄 lol
They came instantly as they had been panicked too… and they found me shoving my face with cookies…
When I saw them, I had never felt such relief and ran to them. I held their hands really tight after that…
It’s kinda like that? Only this time there are no ladies with cookies – and I can’t have their hands back
It’s just hard. I wasn’t ready to let go of their hands
But I like your room analogy… let me absorb that one for a little while – that might help
Thank you! {{Hugs}} to you as well.
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We all need to find a way through this life crap and grief. Yes I so get what your saying. I keep thinking of going shopping as a kid with my parents. I was given one job. Hold the toilet roll. I dropped it and it started rolling down the street. Only time I saw dad run. It’s good to look through the locked door window somedays. xx
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I avoid things that cause that severe emotion… I try not to look in the window at this moment. I do, but I try not to… I try to look down the hallway (metaphorically speaking) looking in the window is too painful still right now.
So I just try to survive and handle my stuff… is just lonely without all of them, I have to be strong for my mom now… so roles kind of reversed. But ya know… fly or die right? I will fly 🦅 – they raised me good. I’m strong.
I just can’t peek in the window too much. Chokes me.
You toilet paper story… did make me laugh at this moment… is that true? How funny.
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It is. Yes I try to ration my window time. Too much is bad for me. You are unbelievably strong, you’ve come through so much. Keep looking forward my friend.
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Well that toilet paper story is funny… you probably would not have dropped that today lol
Thank you, you as well. I do look forward most of the time.
I am strong… but also had no choice in the matter. Would much rather be tiptoeing through the tulips 🌷 lol ✌️
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I know what you mean. Sometimes you just don’t get a choice. x
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Sounds like you need to address the root cause at some point, Gary Old Boy. Good luck. As for me, I’m into the numbing as well…
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The root cause is always going to be there I guess. Never going back to that life. But numbing works better some days. Maybe today is one of them.
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Oh, I know it’s always there -no denying it. I can just see that you’re also keeping her there. ❤
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Yep. I need to do that. I guess it’s times like this that makes loss hit harder. Loads of other things to deal with at the same time. x
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Yes. I’m sorry.
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We are both still here. Still talking. In my case waffling. Which is a start. Something to build on.
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Take care Gary. Hope you have a better day today. The present crisis we are in will not help. Much love to you xx
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Sending you hugs my friend. xx
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Thankyou Gary. Not good here either. Crying with fear. But trying not to. They say stay strong. But how? Much love to you and son. Xx
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It’s not easy. I guess it’s trying to focus on stuff we can do something about and just say screw off to the rest of the stuff . xxx
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That’s the problem. Not much we can do about anything. Tried. Failed. Just so alone. I am reaching out to you Gary. We both have different problems, but feel the same things quite often.
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We do. Keep doing that poetry. And I will keep making a mess. x
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I hope that this day will be a good day for you. That the sun shines and that also the daffodils next to your front window shines brighter than ever. Take care …
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It’s a new day. One thing I have learned about myself is that yesterday being a bad day doesn’t mean today has to be as well. x
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Love you all god loves you all share the love
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Thank you
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I was thinking earlier how triggering this current global crisis is for those already grieving, I find the death of my son some 27 years ago seems fresher every time I hear the sound of a parent panicking about their vulnerable child during the virus, the same with the death of my mother 7 years ago and my friend last year. Giving yourself permission for these feelings and almost expecting them to be magnified at a time like this helps some how. Thinking of you and your son and at least you will have him distracting you through this period.
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Thank you for your kind words. I think it stays with you. Some loves never wane.
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How are you doing?
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Doing ok thanks. Son doesn’t go to school, I don’t go to work, I have my government provided income, shopping delivered as my son can’t cope with supermarkets and I book in advance so not much has changed for us and I have a couple of weeks of grace before I have to join the chaos. I have been thinking more of loved ones that are gone but in some ways that makes me appreciate and want to protect the ones I still have. My son is taking it all in his stride as for once he doesn’t feel like the odd one out not liking socialising or people touching him. I worry for others with the financial impact and with vulnerable loved ones though.
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It’s a time to hold those close to us, just that little bit tighter. x
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I really don’t think what is going on in the world is any help to anyone right now, so how you cope I don’t know. Hoping you have a better day today and that something works so you can get back up the slope. It sure can be slippery with days you are at the bottom and you even think is it worth anything to even crawl a foot up again. But I am sure you willxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thank you my dear friend. The one thing I have learned is that a bad day yesterday doesn’t automatically mean a bad one today. Let’s see what it brings. How are you doing? xxxxxxxx
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I’m doing fine. A bad day is a bad day but it is a day and something always comes by to cheer you tomorrow or the one after.
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Today we are again heading in a better direction.
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I thought that re what you said in your other comment. We all fall over or indeed in front of, the daffodils, my friend.
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Bizarrely I tripped over a hole the badger had dug in the lawn yesterday and did actually fall in front of the daffodils. My knees took the fall as I didn’t want to drop the bird seed and waste food. I then got up walked 3 yards and then dumped the stuff on the lawn. Tell me I’m not a dimbat. I can’t….
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You’re not. You might have known that these daffs would return in some way …
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At least I didn’t land on top of them.
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That woulda bin awfie x
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It’s bizarre here. The sun is beating down like summer yet we have ice on the ground.
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Been like that every morning here actually. Funny indeed.
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Should have bought a garden heater, would be useful next few weeks…..
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It might hold you never know.
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You never know
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Oh, my friend, I wish there was something I could do to help. One of ‘those’ days I guess and they are so tough. I can’t say I understand what it feels like, I don’t, but I am sending love. I’m so glad you have strategies that do help on most days. Your son is so lucky to have a dad like you.
X
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Thank you. I guess my strategies can work when it’s just grief but they get overwhelmed when you add in something else like money worries. But at least I’ve learned that one bad day doesn’t automatically mean the next has to be bad as well. How are you doing? xx
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It’s when there’s just too much at once and your resilience is sapped. At the moment ‘overwhelmed’ is a regular feeling! I’m doing ok. Weekend off to get myself back on track. I had a good sleep which always helps.
You know where I am if you need a chat!
Xx
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Thank you. I’m so pleased your getting a little time at home. xx
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😊
Nice day too. I think I’m going to start my new running regime tomorrow. Try and get the running bug back. Xx
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Are we going to see any photos from your run. xx it’s strange already missing my runs. Running round the garden is not the same.
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Now I have an image of you running laps around the garden!
I’ll maybe put some up. My landscape is not quite as picturesque as yours. X
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I did that this morning. Just running round the edge of the garden. A circuit is about 20 seconds. After 20 minutes I gave up and did some weightlifting and bounced on the trampoline. x
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Bouncing on the trampoline sounds like a great idea!! I’m going to do that too. X
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It was great fun. Although it did creak significantly more than when son bounces on it. x
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I’m scared I’ll go straight through ours 🙈
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If mine can take mine then you will be just great.
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You don’t know that!? I might be 40 stone (I’m not btw!!)
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And I could be 60 stone….
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That is also true …
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Better get some bigger pants then….
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That would be a big pair of pants 😂
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It would be x
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May you find peace.
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Thank you sir
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Yesterday I was looking desperately for my keys and they were in my hand. Silly me. Here’s hoping for a better day today!
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But your only 23. It’s come so early to you…. x
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I hope you feel better soon.
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Thank you. Today is better. Hope your smiling my friend. xx
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I’m doing OK.
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Make sure you look after yourself
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I will. If my asthma starts to go south I’m going to get in touch with 111. It’s managable so far. x
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Fingers crossed. x
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I must say I related to this post of yours. Now I am not grieving for a loss of someone but griefing in other ways. I believe grief can be a bit of thing in this life. I know what helps me is blogging, taking walks, and my new one lately sitting by the river and just taking in the peace around me. No one to bother me for a bit. No questions having to be answered even if I had them. Keep moving forward. Don’t stop. Of what I read about your lovely wife is, she would not want you to feel this way. Would want to see you smile more to embrace this world with your son. To be happier. 😌
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I am smiling more today. I really hope you are as well. xx
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I am so happy to hear this. Keep smiling. And thank you, I will try. Hugs😊
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Look after yourself
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I am 😊
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🙏
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I love that you say “a bad day yesterday doesn’t mean a bad day today”. Can you shorten that to an hour or even less. My sister and I have decided it’s okay to allow ourselves (bad) “moments” then we try to turn it back around. Hoping today is a good one for you. 🙂
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Straight after the funerals I would say you get good days and bad weeks. Now it’s probably the other way round. That’s progress.
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You have so much wisdom to share with us. Sometimes grief isn’t so much something to get through as it is something to outlast. I hope today brings a better space for you.
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Thank you Laura. Today is much better so far. Managed to get my head on script again. Really hope it’s going well for you. Look after yourself. x
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True words here, spoken by experience. People often ask me to give them the ultimate magic words. But as you said, everybody has their own way, coming from their own individual personality. It is a journey in itself and this journey is part of the big journey in each person’s life… totally personal. That makes every experience so individual. You said something very important which is something that does help in general: Making other people happy. I think one of the things that makes the grieving process so hard is that we feel kind of “useless”. But when we begin focussing on the wellbeing of others we take the weight and the focus off ourselves and at the same time do something really meaningful which brings back the light into our own hearts.
Aside from that, thank you for the smiles you brought to me again with your lines regarding your confusion. Btw. I am constantly searching for my phone although it is mostly close by… oh, and for my cup of coffee which accompanies me during the day… lol
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Thank you xx Your words are always so uplifting. Trying to focus on others works as one of the first things you lose is your belief in yourself. You stop caring for yourself.
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Indeed, Gary.
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I don’t know how to handle grief at all–I mean other peoples grief. I just don’t have the words. I know words can’t really make it better, and to be honest I’m scared I will say the wrong thing. So I tend to avoid saying anything and focus on something else, like the daffodils. It’s funny, my “Daffodil Daydreams” poem was right. Daffodils really do seem to grow wild in England. Praying for you.
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You do through your poems and thoughtful words on your posts. You really do. And do it beautifully. Thank you xxx
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Okay, good. ☺
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Yup, stay positive as you can. It creeps in when you least expect it sometimes and you see it, feel it, but then have to put it away. Good luck with the isolation.
Sent from my iPad
>
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We are probably as well prepared for it as many. Kinda use to partial isolation anyway.
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I know the feeling
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It’s not a good feel is it. x
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No but it does get easier in some ways–how tired are you of hearing that?😳 Somethings just stir it up all over again and you realize okay, here we are again. You are doing great with your son and keep the humor going, it does help.
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No. It’s gives me hope.
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Anything that gives hope is good
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It really is. We all need just a little hope.
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Funny you should say that as I saw this morning part of a video at a Trump rally. It was horrifying, really, what and how these people’s brains work.
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Some scary beliefs becoming mainstream these days.
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They say emotions come in waves. Sometimes they rush in with no warning and, shortly after, escape back into the sea for a quick bit as you become engulfed in distraction. I pray you to find peace and comfort in knowing that your words help heal others who are going through similar situations. God bless!
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It really does come in waves. Sometimes the waves are gentle but sometimes they crash in. x
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My finances always look better when I’m tired. I look at them, realize I’m too tired to understand what’s going on, and say I’ll deal with it tomorrow. 🙂
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Once a negative number gets big, if it grows it loses some it’s impact….
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She was desperate for the pain to go away. <—that's the sad part. It never goes away. It lessens with time, but can come back and knock your legs out from under you. I had my 4 wedding anniversary last Friday. My 4th one alone. And all of them will be me – Alone. I just have to find a way to get thru that time – alone. Even when I was dating Gary, I felt alone on March 20th. It's how my life will be. And I have to learn how to cope with it. Alone.
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I guess it’s a lifelong learning experience
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It is unfortunately.
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Life I guess
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