No jokes today. No script. Let’s just see where this takes me.

It’s the very early hours. It’s my partners birthday. Once I’ve finished I will close the iPad for today and hopefully I will see you tomorrow.

These are strange times for all of us. But to be fair it’s been a strange time for our little family since 2016. That’s the year the world stopped and changed for us forever. Those six weeks from hell. We lost my mum and our Son’s beloved little nan on the first day of that period. That day started as a fun birthday for me and finished in heartache. Almost straight after the funeral my partner wasn’t feeling great and went into hospital overnight for routine tests. The next day having come to pick her up, I was taken to one side by the Doctor to tell me that things where bleak. She only had a 5% chance of surviving the month. Zero chance of making it to Christmas. She was deteriorating rapidly and she wasn’t really conscious. The following conversation with an 8 year old will haunt me forever.

She never fully regained consciousness. We had no more conversations. I can’t even remember the last one we had. Three weeks later I was telling the 8 year old his mum was dead. 2016 and those six weeks from hell.

This day in 2016 I had just given my partner a plant, a Yorkshire White Rose. She had always wanted one. I wish I had bought it so many years earlier so she could have enjoyed it. Since then it has always bloomed in time for her birthday. Not this year. The bad winter has set things back. It’s a few weeks behind schedule. But it will get there. It’s a hardy soul. It feels like one of the few life bridges which didn’t break in 2016. A link to a world now gone but certainly not forgotten.

So now I will focus on our Son. Yes there might be a few tears but hopefully if I do my job right then there will also be smiles. Let’s be thankful for those wonderful times. Let’s remember those other times when the world changed. Changed for the better. Our first date. Our first night in the new house. Finding out those pregnancy results. Holding our baby. Our first family family holiday.

Wonderful, loving times.

So that’s it. Take care and remember that this is still a wonderful world. No more words today. See you tomorrow.

100 thoughts on “No Rose Show yet”

  7. I’m so sorry for you loss and sadness.

    I’m glad you cherish those memories – that’s important. Remember the memories that make you smile

    You’re pretty strong to go through that and still have to keep it together and be a parent.

    I always like to think… when someone touches your life – they never really can die… because the way they touched your life carries on in you and anyone else who’s lives they touch…

    I have those things from all my people who have passed… words they said to me or mannerisms, can be anything…

    And because they effected my life, I take those things and they carry on with me? Just differently ✌️

    Anyway is a nice thought I tell myself so the loss isn’t so devastating.

    Happy Birthday 🎈 to her
    I’m sure she’s with you today.

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  16. Such a beautiful tribute. It’s interesting to see how perspective changes in the midst/as a result of traumatic situations. I can tell through your writing that you truly work each day to be a good father and I know she is with you in Spirit cheering you on. You are a strong individual and I wish you the best as you continue on this journey we call life. Blessings 🙂

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  18. Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been through nightmare weeks like you describe, a long time ago in my case but my mum’s wild flowers still bloom in my dad’s garden and we’ll never forget.

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  19. I can relate all too well, my friend. Saturday is the first anniversary of my becoming a widow. Rest easy and blessings to you both.

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  26. So much love and heartfelt sympathy to you and your son. I am sure that white rose made her birthday and she would be so proud of you both for the credit you do to her both in the memories you share of her and the way you have cared for each other. People often say after someome does does that they ‘loved them’ (past tense) but in my experience the love remains, it doesn’t die with them and that is a precious thing. My sister asked for white roses at her funeral and somehow they seem to symbolise to me the purity of a love that can’t be returned but persists none the less. Thanks for sharing x

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      1. I can only imagine how hard that day was. It sounds to me though like you did her proud then and since. X

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      3. Right back at you. I feel it is like being In a train. It stops and you are asked to come to this carriage in the siding. While you sit there in comes the railway police and they tell you this awful thing. Some unbelievable thing you have to sit here and listen to. As you are trying to grasp it, a train goes past. In it you see your life as was, heading into the night. No matter how hard you batter on the window you can’t make that train stop. Then you realise you were never asked into that carriage in the siding, you were in it cos the train that was your life was derailed and this is now your life. And THAT is roughly it and many days are crappy. But many get to be all right. But that initial shock, as you describe it here in your post… that is so hard to get beyond because what you dealt with is indeed the same as being thrown into another world.

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      4. I so get that train analogy. Sometimes it feels like your stood on a platform and the train comes into a different one. You can see it but will never get there before it departs. You can either just sit on the platform or take a risk and jump on the next train to somewhere else.

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  32. This day in 2016 I had just given my partner a plant, a Yorkshire White Rose. She had always wanted one. I wish I had bought it so many years earlier so she could have enjoyed it.

    Nick said he wished we’d married sooner. You wish you had given her that rose sooner. I wish I would have met him sooner so I could have loved him longer.

    We all have regrets but the lesson learned for anyone reading this…..DON’T WAIT! Just do it. It will give you SUCH joy and so much less regret.

    Hugs to you…………….

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  34. It is only 4 years ago. That’s nothing compared to the meaning she has had for you both. I did not know how fast everything happened which made it all even more difficult to work through. That rose is a beautiful symbol. It is blooming every year like her soul will never cease blossoming. It may sound simple but you can be sure that she is even closer these days. Sending you both a strong and heartfelt embrace 💖

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  35. So sorry for your loss. Only time will heal. Today I found out my childhood friend has ALS and is dying. Why is the world so cruel?
    I pray to God for help.

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  36. Dear One ( we are all each other’s dear ones), thank you for your candor. You are brave, kind, and good. May all of us open to saving kindness.
    Know you are loved, everyday. By all of us.

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