Yesterday the clouds put on a free show.

Thank you to everyone who sent such kind wishes. It was so greatly appreciated and made the day a little easier to take. Yes it was only another day. We have have had over 1000 of these days. But something deep inside of me told me this was going to be a particular tough one. It did turn out to be a tough-un. I am still not 100% sure why that should be the case. Maybe on previous birthdays we have had a special trip out as a distraction. Who knows but it feels like I learnt a little more about myself yesterday. Its also clear that I still love my partner and this grief journey has still got a distance to go.

Spending the day with our son without any outside distractions did tell me one thing. It’s so easy to get complacent in life. To think your hitting all your marks and targets. I assumed I was giving our Son the attention he needed. Yesterday disproved that. He needs and wants more quality time with me. He will get that… His human world is a very sparse place at the moment. Since the lockdown started in March he has had so few interactions. One telephone conversion with one of my sisters, a brief chat with his health lead, a couple of nice email exchanges with friends and his online dialogue with teachers. That’s it in over two months. When I’m invited into his world then no ifs or buts, I need to go. Not only is it a responsibility, it is an honour. No guarantees that those invites will keep heading my way.

It’s now the next day and we move on. Changed probably yes. But still moving on.

54 thoughts on “Tomorrow

  1. You will always love your partner. Nothing will change that and that’s a lovely thing. You are an amazing dad and both you and your son are a huge support for each other. Sorry it was a particularly tough day. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The invites into his world MAY become less frequent in his teens, but you’ll still get them. Even when my daughters were at their “teenage girl” worst, they still wanted occasional time with Mom.
    The foundation is already strong for an awesome adult friendship!

    You will ALWAYS love or be in love with your partner! I still have love for me ex. Even after all the horrible things that happened. It wasn’t horrible the entire 22 years. I even miss him occasionally. Feel your feelings, whatever they are!💌

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      1. Definitely strange when I stop and think about it. The girls being little seems like something I read about, like it happened to someone else. I have tons of memories, but it’s… distant. Now they’re my daughters still, sure, but they’re also my friends. Older & I raising Ben together, and sharing a house makes us almost like partners. (Yeah, that doesn’t sound creepy at all🙄) And Younger and I talk or text pretty much every day.

        Ben feels more like my son than grandson. We’ve lived together since he was born, and I spend the majority of time with him. Plus, I was 40 when he was born. Lots of couples have kids in their 40s🤷🏼‍♀️

        I think you and Son will be like the Odd Couple. A couple of bachelors having adventures together.😉😂💌

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  3. Those clouds do put on a wonderful show. I’m sorry it was a tough day for you. You will always love your partner and it’s okay if your grief journey takes time. I have no doubt that you will be there for your son. I haven’t called you Superdad for nothing.

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      1. I’m sorry I missed your comment, Gary. This must have been the day I went to the hospital. I’m behind on my coments now, but I’m so glad to be out of that place!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am truly sorry for your loss Gary, but as you say, you move on, changed, but still moving on. It’s all you can do as we can’t reverse time, only relive it in our memories.
    You are right about your son. The lockdown has been cruel for him, but a blessing is he understands the reasoning. From your writings, it’s easy to see you have a good relationship. I love the quips and banter between you. It’s precious.
    Yesterday was the first anniversary of our neighbour’s husband passing away.
    The Bank Holiday weekend has seen her in pieces, but soldiering on. We were able to make her smile on Monday, and yesterday too when it was obvious so many people were thinking about her. She was sent flowers, chocolates, a prepaid takeaway which was delivered, a friend visited and stayed bringing a huge orchid and box of chocolates because she’d missed her birthday in April because of the lockdown. She had phone calls from her brother and son in Oz, and her other son here in the UK, neighbours the other side of us took in flowers too. It broke up her day so that she wasn’t on her own all the time.

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  5. I was recently thinking about how many zooms we have all been on individually. Declan hates the group ones but likes the 1/1 he has with his therapists. I guess I shouldn’t complain – it really is all the socializing he is doing outside of the family and I guess it is good for him! Thinking of you! x

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  6. It’s been nearly 30 yrs since I lost my significant other and I still have days where it hits me out of the blue. And also my pets… I still go into unexpected downward spirals about lost pets and “what could I have done better?”… all the back to my preteens!!

    I hope you experience more happy memories than hard days!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Anniversaries like what you had yesterday are always hard, but from what I can tell from your posts you are doing an amazing job at getting through. Its one day at a time and its 2 steps back sometimes. Be easy on yourself be patient with yourself. There is a hole in your heart that can be filled by no other and that hurts, but you will keep healing.
    And I have said this before but will say it again, your precious boy is lucky to have you. Yes, we are going to mess up, and make mistakes when parenting, BUT I just love how your heart comes through in your posts. No one can doubt your love for him and wanting the best for him and love is what parenting is all about!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. If the lock down has shown me one thing it’s that procrastination brings regret. So thankful for the things I pushed forward on despite my injury 5 years ago. It could be years or never before some of those opportunities present itself to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Perhaps it’s just me but I find this whole pandemic has me grieving and when a hard day comes along it seems so much harder than normal. Isolated by our own choice to protect my hubby’s fragile health has made challenges more challenging. Stress and worry over what the future may bring has added layers and layers onto everyday issues. It’s like it all sits there on the back burner but when something happens it all comes forward like a huge wave to knock me off my feet, and it can be a very minor thing, but it’s that one straw that breaks the proverbial camel’s back. That’s just my observation.

    Liked by 1 person

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