The Aspergers life can be racked with anxieties and obsessive behaviours. Additionally Aspergers can frequently coexist with OCD. Add the death of a mum and both grannies. Then on top of that you add a pandemic. Something has to give with that kind of pressure building up. That’s what our son is dealing with and it is so very tough for him. What does that mean in practice. Well here is a snapshot of life and the impact it has on him.
Every ache, every sneeze, every spot, every pain is seen as a potential sign of a serious disease or the C word. Anxieties bring on indigestion and constipation. These are then seen by him as more potential warnings of serious, life threatening health conditions. The natural response was to frequently wash his hands. It was both to cleanse his hands but also an attempt to pour water on the raging anxiety wildfire. Washing to the point of red raw skin. These issues have existed for years but slowly during 2019 slow progress started to happen. The hand washing was just about brought under control. Then the pandemic hit. The progress was instantly lost. Suddenly the months of reassuring talk a out avoiding serious illnesses, the bodies capacity to fight back and the advances in medical science are basically blown out of the water. The problems started to mount up again and escalate to new heights.
- Hand washing every few minutes. From 15 second washing now to washing for minutes at a time.
- A reluctance to dry washed hands as towels might be a source of germs.
- Harmful germs are seen to exist everywhere. Suddenly it’s difficult for him to touch taps, toilet handles and door knobs. Sheets of paper have to be left next to these so he can avoid touching them directly. Even pulling on a shirt may result in the potentially unclean sleeves coming into contact with his hands. Shoes have to be put on without using his hands.
- iPads and joysticks have to be washed frequently and definitely before he touches them. It’s the same for things like pens.
- When he strokes his pets he will immediately run to wash his hands.
- He needs to see evidence that I wash my hands before I touch any of his items.
- Clothes have to be frequently washed often multiple times a day.
- Outside he is constantly looking out for flies and flying bugs. If they come too close then he will need to go inside to wash.
- He has to have his own seat and no one is allowed to touch it. If they do then the seat has to be cleaned.
- When he goes out the the front door then he consciously tries to avoid walking over any areas that the postman or others might have walked across. When he comes back in them his shoes will need to be completely cleaned. If he ventures through the front gate and into the outside world then on his return he will completely strip, shower and change to new clothes. Those rules apply to me as well.
- Mouth-washing and gargling is frequently repeated during the day.
- Any item which hits the ground (inside or out) will need to be deep cleaned.
- Any new food items have to go into the garage and complete a quarantine period if at least three days.
This is daily life in our little home. I do my best to reassure, reason and modify behaviours. But it feels nothing more than trying to plug a leaking dam at present. One hole maybe plugged but in the meantime another two new holes have appeared. Counselling was there but government cutbacks have taken their toll on services. The pandemic has temporarily suspended specialist help. The result is massive backlogs and no access to help. These are tough times. For him and yes me as well. As a parent you feel helpless, definitely so underprepared for these challenges. But we keep going. We pick ourselves up and go again. Yes we will get there. We will. But it will take time. Realistically maybe well into 2021. In practice timescales don’t matter, we take each day as it comes, fortified by the love of friends.
Stay strong Gary, this phase will
Pass too.
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It will.
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👍
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🙏
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I never thanked you for your kind words about my poetry. You’re very kind. Thanks 🙏
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You are so welcome.
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❤️🌷
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🙏
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WOW! Fingers are crossed for a little reprieve very soon.
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Let’s so hope so
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Yeah… I definitely have some OCD issues myself, even as an adult. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to be this affected and not being able to help it. Or you for that matter. Keep the hope alive though, it will get better. 🙂
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Thank you. Yes it will get better. x
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Oh no. So sorry that both you and Son are having to go through this. I hope writing and knowing there is a large supportive audience out here provides a tiny bit of comfort.
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It does
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I feel for you. Is medication, even temporarily, an option? My son, who lives with Anxiety is helped (somewhat) by medicine, and he’s about to start exposure therapy to help him deal with anxiety triggers. My thought are with you both.
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Thank you. Medication is not really an option for him.
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I SOOO get this! Trying to remember all the rules, trying to follow all the rules, know they can’t help it… they’re in a bigger Hell than we can imagine, barely making it with the rules… and sometimes, (though you don’t say it) the urge to scream because it’s gone too far! It’s gotten ridiculous, too many rules… but we don’t do that because we know they can’t help it. We just want them to be okay, even if our heads feel like they’re gonna explode. We just want them to be okay.💌💌
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That’s exactly it. It’s so hard to explain but that’s it. x
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Sending virtual support your way.
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Thank you so much
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With that long list I get why you have tired days. That’s a lot, for both of you. I’m sorry. You and Hawklad always have my prayers. ❤
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Thank you my friend that means so much to us. x
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Hang in there, Gary!
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I will thank you
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I can only imagine. In speaking with my 7 year old grandson tonight, he was stressed over the virus and the loss of everything normal. Being the parent who must navigate these waters must be exhausting. Holding you up from afar.
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Thank you so much.
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Virtual hugs to both of you. I wish I could help somehow! Be sure to take care of you as you take care of him. ((Hugs))
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I will thank you x
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I did think of something… can you get paper towels to use to dry hands?
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As long as the paper towels are seen as being clean.
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I’m sure just the bereavements would be enough to cause him to have these symptoms but the Aspergers must intensify them. After losing my mum, I used to wash my hands incessantly until the skin fell apart. Then I was convinced I was going blind every time I got a bit of dust in my eye. My family were constantly engaged in checking my eyes for early ‘signs of blindness’ (whatever that meant). Then later on it was nuclear power stations I was scared of…I could continue the list but the main point I wanted to make is that I got better. There is hope, despite government cuts and the current situation. You will get there!
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That sounds so like him. Getting better gives me so much hope. x
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All my sympathy to you guys! It will get better, in small steps and time, but it will!
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Small steps is the key.
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The important thing is that you understand your son where he comes from. When even it is such a challenge, but that way you have a possibility to redirect a little step by step. As I said before, your benefit is that your son trusts you. He knows you take him serious.
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That’s the secret is trust. I think it probably helps that I suspect I’m probably on the spectrum as well.
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I agree, Gary!
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🙏
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Hey, Gary. How long can you go without consciously mentioning certain people who are missing from your life and his? I ask this to see if you can discover how long he can go without mentioning them if you don’t. When he brings them up, talk as best you can about feelings, good and bad. If he doesn’t bring them up, keep your own feelings to yourself with him, and talk to your readers as much as possible when the need arises. Maybe you have tried this already, I have no way of knowing.
Likewise, how often does he bring up the subjects of autism and aspergers? I did some work on spectrum disorders as a social worker. I am not an expert. But I have eyes and ears, and ideas.
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He is much better about talking about loss now. He’s found his own way but it’s definitely it’s shaken him and on his view on death.
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This has been a far more disastrous year for you and Hawklad than anyone could imagine.
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Yes it’s been one of those years. Just got to keep living.
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Gary, I just hope and wish this hell for you both will ease.
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Thanks my friend. One day it will. One day we can meet up in a coffee shop and laugh about it. x
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Of course. This mess must be torture for you both .
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We just got to make the best of it. x
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I know you are and will.
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Thank you x
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Hang in there, Gary. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way. My prayers are with you
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That really helps me friend. x
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That must be so hard on the both of you. There are definitely ways things NEED to be done here, but not in reference to germs. That would be a huge challenge. Thinking of you.
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Thank you Robyn. Hope his birthday went well and he’s enjoying his console. Thinking of you as well.
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That sounds really, really hard, for both of you.
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It’s so tough for him. Thank you x
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And home schooling on top….how do you get it all done? You amaze me.
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Thanks, but we just do what we have to. x
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So very difficult for you both and incredibly time consuming and stressful at times. You will get there, I have no doubt. It will take time is all and there is no rush. The world and anyone worthwhile will wait for you and your son. However long that takes. X
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Patience is the key x
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Definitely can’t see him going back to school.
Thanks for providing that snapshot. My son has similar anxieties but not at that level. Puts things into perspective for me.
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He might want to, to show people what he can do but I just can’t see how that will be done. He can’t get through the front gate.
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I’d be scared he’d try and fail and that would make him feel worse. Better not to try at all! Sounds like bad advice but I’m sticking to it.
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I’m with you, but it’s his call.
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You’re strong man and dad, he is so lucky to have you. One step at a time. I can only imagine how hard it is having to watch him go through these emotions. Hugs, my friend. You got this.❤️
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Thank you x
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Always.😊
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🙏
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❤️
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🙏
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😊
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My heart aches for him. All those awful thoughts running around in his brain
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It’s tough for him.
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