It’s a beautiful sky but it heralded heavy rain and high winds. Basically a double edged sword.

I am almost four years into my grief journey. Seems like a lifetime. Certainly been through some tough times. Can still experience grief storms even now. But as I travel further down the road the landscape has definitely started to change. I’ve started to laugh as well as cry. If I can feel sad at times then surely at other times I can feel happy as well. It must be ok to start to live again. To dream again.

But here’s the thing.

A nagging doubt still exists. A small part of me still feels uncomfortable with the idea of me living and having fun. That voice in my head is whispering that it’s wrong. Trying to force an image into my head. Me knelt over a grave, with a rose, filled with sadness – visiting every day. The voice keeps saying that is what I should be doing. That surely is the right thing to do. It is your assigned life. You signed up to this. In effect a grief journey is fine as long as it keeps returning to the same spot.

It can be such a struggle to break free of those nagging voices. But I know I must. Life has to go on. We make commitments but then sometimes circumstances change. Life changes. It becomes a different world. Don’t change and you are likely to wither away. We have been blessed with a life, surely it would be wrong not to try to make the most of it. I will certainly try to do that. At times that will make me feel uncomfortable. I will never forget my partner. Will never stop loving her. But that doesn’t mean that I need to be knelt over the grave every day. Yes I will do that somedays. I will do that on the anniversary of her passing. But life has to go on. I will keep telling myself that.

76 thoughts on “Double Edge”

  8. I have not yet experienced this most painful of losses. But I imagine your partner would not want you to spend your life at her grave. Love, laughter, tears, are all part and parcel of life. Tears are healing, but so, too, is laughter. The phrase, “laughter is the best medicine” springs to mind. Sending hugs and best wishes for a good life, well-lived – in that way you honor her and the gifts and blessings she brought to your life.

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  10. Hello Gary. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. However no one can fault you for your actions and your feelings. You are not giving up nor giving in even in the face of such an emotional blow, but are instead doing an incredible job helping your son while dealing with your own emotional pain. You deserve all the credit you and more, especially in the time of a world pandemic. I salute you, and wish you the best. Hugs

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  12. It’s the hardest thing, letting go, but it is the right thing particularly as you have your partner’s child. I know that voice that says “you should suffer and be sad” and I know how haunting it can be. I think it comes from inappropriate guilt that you lived and she didn’t. Perhaps I’m wrong about that, but I know you owe it to your partner to enjoy the rest of the life you’ve been given. I’m sure that’s what she would say. Peace.

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  14. Life is an ever changing thing. It is not wrong to feel in any way as you do. She would not want you to spend your life standing still just as you will never not love her. I think it’s seeing that I do want to do certain things again, life is for living, but this makes me a bad person, is the hard thing, the thing to get past.

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  16. Everyone else said all the things. I’ll add that if it were me, my ghostly spirit would kick you square in your butt if you did the grave kneeling every day!
    She would most enjoy you and Hawklad having a happy life. Remembering her with joy and love. Carry her with you always, but keep moving forward.
    You SOOO got this, Gary Kermit Superdad!💌💌

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  17. I get this. It’s been hard for me to find joy in the things we used to do together, so I avoid them, but that just exacerbates the depression and sadness…and the lie. I’m still a work in progress.

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  18. You say that “You signed up to this.” I don’t know the terms of your wedding vow, but, in the Christian tradition, one of the terms states, “until death do we part.”
    May the day come when your grief gives way to being happy again, without guilt ❤

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  20. I think it’s the loyalty to your beloved’s memory and the life you once shared that’s causing this. That to smile and laugh once more means to forget her.
    But it isn’t that way at all. You’re just transitioning to another life now and she’s still as much in it now as before – but differently.
    It may even seem like she’s fading or that you’re fading her out – but again, it’s not at all.
    If anything, her presence is getting stronger – you just need time to get used to that difference.
    And then you’ll see.
    And you’ll be comforted.

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  21. Everyone already said everything I think, and I can’t say I understand how it feels, but I’m glad that you will keeping telling yourself that life goes on. It does, and you’re doing awesome. Stay out of the rain, Superdad.

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  22. Well yes… she came into your life to begin with to bring you love – and then she gave you a son… you have the blessing of having had her in your life no matter how brief that was… she touched your life.

    It’s ok to still love and miss her, to still wish her back, or care for her memory … all that is totally fine. Of course you will always love her, think of her, want her. If you didn’t… then that would be questionable.

    Instead of the grief of the loss, cause obviously that is there… but you were lucky to have had her for a moment and she blessed you with that.

    It’s ok to live life again, it’s ok to laugh – that will help you heal

    Before I worked at the funeral home… death was just final and it was heart wrenching and devastating … I always wished my tears of love cried on to the grave would bring them back… I wished that soo hard.

    The laughter helps me heal and keeps my spirit bright…

    And I will say… working at the funeral home – I watch alot and see alot… more than I actually expected when I first took it on.

    First… this is life – death is apart of that … and we have no guarantees… things can happen in a split second – as we should all know by now!

    But everyone goes through it… everyone! I watch how people are with their losses – I feel connections and I can feel their hearts … I see some who are just unable to process … I can relate.

    When you speak about it, there are others who can relate. And when you find that – that is also comforting. Someone else knows your pain. Not that you want anyone to know that pain… but the fact there is another who can relate helps alot

    I also see families who umm? The sadness is different – instead of devastation they celebrate the life itself, what that person brought to life, and their influence… and in death some families send off as if they were going on a trip?

    I also have the added back end of that… I do see dead bodies – and I do see how they are cared for… I see how we handle all of it.

    I see death different a little bit. I think? I am still scared of losing my mom. But I think with all these lessons I get… is building me to handle that. ?? To be ok, to not be so devastated that I can not cope.

    I still have to live and life is still going to come at me… regardless if I am grieving or not.

    You had some pretty massive losses … but it is ok to feel everything you are feeling.

    You are teetering between the loss and life. I know you are starting to feel life again… and that lightens you!! That doesn’t mean she disappears. She never will – she impacted your heart and soul.

    Her effects on you actually carry on… so essentially she is not gone? Only in body… but her impact carries on in you and your son.

    We are sad because we don’t want them to leave our lives and we don’t want to let go… I hate letting go!!

    Not to be a weirdo – if I am not already lol… but what is life? You have a lot of experiences and nothing holds back just because you grieve. Grieving is fine… but don’t let it crush your soul… life will take a one, two punch and finish you off. Then is hard to recover. You still have to move forward

    And each life has its own path…

    And life is kind of a lot of lessons maybe preparing you for something if you can weather it?

    I never wanted to lose my people … I still want them, I still miss them, I still need them… my heart still bleeds … because of the loss in my life.

    But I still have a life path… and I still have impacts to make? When my time is done, I will have made impacts too.

    We feel because we have heart and we got attached, they got in deep. We didn’t think or imagine the loss.

    With my mom – the time is gentle… I lose her daily but is slow … just her body be left eventually – but never ever her spirit ❤️

    Is not the loss of the body for me… cause I watch her disappear and see her leave me…

    She has had the most influence on me. So losing her is hard… but I slowly lose it. And I want peace for her. I will take her influence and I will make that amazing – almost like honoring her in a way.

    Yeah is sad and hard and I do worry how I will take that ? Cause I want my mom!! Really bad

    I have one more loss coming and it will be her … I know that is coming eventually. I am bracing

    But I do hope all my lessons will help me through … and I am stronger cause I have lost her over time… so I have had to function without her ( I still get to talk and laugh with her but I don’t have her like I used to and I miss that, she always comforted)

    I am her carbon copy so ya know it continues in me…

    I will still grieve and it will still be a hit… I just think I am stronger now

    She would be my most devastating loss hands down… but there is mercy to lose her slow… and let me come to terms. And then with all the others leading up to it… I have learned you have to continue on. Life is growth.

    Loss is always hard no matter how you lose them.

    Is an honor to always remember and always love and carry them on with you.

    Is always ok to grieve and keep that… she meant a lot to you.

    But don’t take your own life and your own path for granted.

    Anyway – too much novel writing – sorry. Happens – I have the day off lol … you already know I am wordy, plus I deal with death lol … it’s a combo lol

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    1. We were kind of lucky with my mom. She had a really bad stroke. Doctors told us that was it. But a month later she was back home mostly able to look after herself, but with some mobility issues. We then got another few years before she left us. That felt like a bonus. Our son got some more years with his granny. That thought eased the pain a little. It will be so tough for you. xx

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      1. Yes having that extra time definitely helps… if my moms loss was swift – I would crumble!!

        But is not, so I have the time to take it in before hand – like yours. And you get blessed with time! That is a gift!! For sure!!

        It will be tough – but I know will come… and she won’t be there anyway – she’s already leaving

        Is kind of like… her walking away? I am waving and I can see her leaving but she slowly vanishes into like a fog?

        We always lived very far from family or each other… but remain close always… no matter the distance … we were the type you see clinging to each other and balling in the airport lol … cause we didn’t want them to leave.

        Is kinda similar? Don’t get on that plane and leave – I want you still! Time was too short! Ya know? Like that

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  23. I think I understand that wave of grief, which happens even before cancer takes you away from your best friend. By the way, I do enjoy your sense of humour in between the dark/grey spaces. Kia Kaha.

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