A view from one of my old running haunts. A wonderful place. Basically had the tracks to myself. Me, some farm land and nature. I enjoyed the peace.

Isn’t that strange. Looking back I really valued my space. Having some solitude. Yet fast forward to September 2020 and I fear the solitude and isolation becoming a prison. Surrounded by cold, grey walls.

Just can’t make my mind up can I.

But it is a genuine fear of mine. Becoming completely isolated. Cut adrift.

At present I am ok. I’m finding a way through the ever present danger of isolation. I still have dreams of a different life. There are people who care. We can find ways to stay in touch. I have a workable life balance at present. Not great but not too bad. The risk is that I know myself. I know how easily I can lose confidence. How my social skills can desert me. How I can start to overthink. Become too inward looking. That’s the danger zone for me. Then I can easily be sucked into a completely isolated lifestyle. A lifestyle which is not sustainable or healthy for me.

The other worry is that in the modern world it is so easy to be cut adrift. So easy for people to stop calling round. To stop noticing you. Just one unknown face in the crowd. It felt like that for a long time after I lost my partner. People stopped calling. I was just that unseen face in the crowd.

So for me it’s finding a balance. Enjoying more solitude but avoiding complete isolation. I guess it’s like climbing in thick hill fog. You might be relatively close to others, but they can’t see you. You might as well be alone. The solo climbing can be enjoyable but it can also be unnerving. You are never quite sure how close you are to the precipice. How close to falling over the edges do when your alone, no one will be there to stop you.

But the hope is that if it’s like the climbing metaphor. I’ve been caught out in those white out adventures many times. Yes they have been challenging, a little scary at times. But I’ve so far avoided falling off the edge. That represents hope.

72 thoughts on “Running to or from it”

  2. Love how you ended this piece. I can definitely relate to those fears. It’s a fear that you’ll become overwhelmed or overcome by life. The best Scripture for this fear–one I really need to write out and place somewhere I can read it often– is this one:

    “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”

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  3. I can also relate to the ” I just can’t make my mind up can I.” I get the same way. Either there is not enough going on in my world. (Too quiet.) or there is too much going on in my world. (Too noisy.) Makes me feel very fickle, but there’s got to be a middle ground right? Doesn’t necessarily mean fickle or “can’t make up your mind” just means that there are extremes.

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  4. You’ve also got lots of people who care about you. We may not be close by in the physical sense, but we are here nonetheless.
    You and Hawklad will find your way back into “society” when it’s safe and when it’s the right time.

    Stay out of the headspace. Drown out the discouraging voices with music. Do your best Hair Band air guitar routine🎶💃🏼🎸🤘
    You got this! WE got this!💌💌

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  5. I have been in a mid-zone since February, trying to find my path, my value, my center. It is not easy! Thank goodness we have fellow bloggers who are honest about their journey. Thanks for sharing your honest journey Dad.

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  7. That is what I love about blogging. I am not one to say anything more than “Hi” to people I see in real life. I almost like that I have a face that draws people away. But I do love the blogging community – I feel it helps with my isolative tendencies as well.

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  8. Keep that hope! Glad you can stay connected at least with the blogging world to hopefully help ease the fear of isolation some. I think so many of us have had that fear over this time. Keep being real, and know that God is always with you and you and your precious son are in my prayers.

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      1. From my own experience of adapting to life in a foreign country–first Brazil and then the USA–I’ve found that all I needed was to take small steps in connecting with others among my neighbors and work colleagues. You win a new friend; you get rejected by another. Such is the nature of human interactions.

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  13. There is a significant difference between having space for yourself and feeling the loneliness of isolation. I know you feel the latter at times. Hold onto the knowledge that many people do care, including me. It’s easy to fall into the overthinking trap, especially when spending a lot of time alone. I’m not going anywhere (you are stuck with me!). I’m still waiting for you to accept the random board invite. Scaredy cat! 😂🤗

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  16. Indeed as Derrick Knight says above. Even worse is the utter bellends imposing it and all the things it is leading to as they cling to their lunacy. I think mountains are a good metaphor. A pity you could not tempt Hawklad out to one of your lost places. But i know that’s a non runner.

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      1. I know that BINT Ugly Patel is on about dobbing folks in the street in if there is 8 of them stopping to talk. . Just glad to live up here where today, at the play park at the school, after school, and all the wee p1-3 kids had endured there, in terms of one toilet for 50 kids ( Very clean. NOT ) and BTW, our wee grandie has this amazing young teacher who taught him last year and has taught throughout this, the kids of essential workers and does her best to make this the best for the kids, they could play unfettered. And the parents and grandparents could chat and the police were only there to monitor and chase selfish folks –as ever–parking where the spesh taxis were coming in to get the wee ones who were in wheelchairs and couldn’t wheel too far. That cow is from a gutter low. Sorry but she is and every day folks like her ind a way to be lower. What is going on here?

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  18. You and I are so similar.. this resonates.. I make myself get out to somewhere where there are people some days and I find weekends hard.. I also know more lately of the power of my mind and thoughts to take me down.. Just so you know we are always here.. but sadly cannot pop around for a cup of tea… hugs and love to you and son ❤

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