Why do I always hear Spock’s words to Captain Kirk whenever I try to do yoga.

“It’s life Jim but not as we know it!”

It’s yoga just not as we know it. That sums up my yoga talents perfectly. I do try. I guess it’s like my parenting as well – it’s parenting but not as we know it. Anyway back to that instrument of torture which is yoga. I’m part of the Yoga with Adriene App community. She’s really really good but even she can’t sort some people out. This person out. But at least I can laugh at the many times I lose balance and then hit the ground.

Like most things in life, we have to find our own way.

The last ME/MUPPET guide to yoga went down so well and it guided so many lost souls to yoga perfection – well then clearly you need another one. Again I will be assisted by some brave and fearless (mostly) mini lego figures. I will be played this time by Shaggy. Bizarrely the rest of the yoga group are Star Wars characters.

First point is that it’s so important that you get yoga mats, leggings and blocks that are the right size for you. Anything other than a perfect fit could lead to injury or worse, embarrassment.

A perfect fit for a yoga block

Remember to place your mat next to people who have similar abilities to yourself. In my case I tend to look at for certain key signs in the other yoga attendees. Badly fitting gym clothes, a few spare tyres round the middle, scrapes and bruises to the knees, bandages on the elbows, squashed nose and a slightly bemused look.

Perfect person to be next to ?

Be careful if you get your selection wrong then it will only ever end in disaster. Some people are better equipped to do certain yoga positions than others…..

Motorised hips, no arms and no knees make the crow pose so much easier.

Remember it’s a badge of honour to be the only person in the session standing on the wrong leg repeatedly.

I’m on the correct leg everybody else is wrong…

There will come a time when you will be asked to do a one legged dancer’s pose. Don’t be fearful, embrace it. Especially when you find out your the only person in the room who can’t do it.

Can you explain that move just one more time….

Breathe deeply. Struggle onto one leg. I find swearing really helps. Then as gracefully as possible try to headbutt the floor. You may get a sensation something equivalent to five neutron stars exploding in your hips. That will be the correct Dancer’s pose. A certain feeling of lower half detachment may follow.

That hurt…..

The other important tip is to embrace the journey you go on with the instructor. At the start of the session he or she may seem the nicest and most kind person you could ever hope to meet. In my case Adriene’s words are like a warming blanket, settling deep inside my soul. Then the true journey of discovery begins. After about 10 minutes your instructor will start to talk about ‘nice detoxifying hip openers’. At this stage you will now start to view the instructor as more akin to a prison guard, barking out instructions with the threat of a gun.

Do as you are told…

Your yoga journey will be complete when your instructor tells you to adopt the crow position so you can be ‘truly grounded and at one with the earth’. At that stage you will see the instructor as a predator, a carnivore about to feed on your lifeless and broken carcass . Don’t worry this is completely normal and just means that you still have 5 minutes to go before the session has ended.

Only 5 minutes to go before you have been properly tenderised.

I hope this has been of some use to you. Remember your body is a temple. Probably in urgent need of a preservation and restoration order. You can do this. NAMASTE….

73 thoughts on “It’s Yoga but not as we know it”

  1. Very very entertaining but at least you keep on trying and that’s a really good quality to have
    There is no such thing as failure just opportunities to learn.
    Good luck with your continued journey through life and maybe next time it won’t be as we know it. 😊

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  4. YAY!!!💃🏼✨💕🌠🥰🌈💫
    That was very instructional! The part about being on a different leg than everyone else? You’re British, duh! You drive on the wrong side of the road too😉

    Thank you, Gary! This was fun!😁😁😁😁😁😁
    Namaste🙏🧘🏼‍♀️🥴🤕
    💌💌💌

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  6. These, esp the pics, were great!!!

    The dancer’s pose reminded me of an “aerial yoga” class I attended… one where moves incorporate a silk “cocoon” hanging from the ceiling. It was really fun and I was shockingly good, till the got to downward dog… hands on floor and both feet in the aerial cocoon. Even with 1 foot on the ground, I could tell I was likely to faceplant, HARD, and noped out of that move!! I like having teeth!

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  14. Everyone else was on the wrong leg… Reminds me of a friend of mine with a disability who was in a musical. I commented to the director after a performance that he did great but he did miss his cue at one point. To which the director said, “No everyone else missed their cue.” So,,,, I agree that everyone else was on the wrong leg.

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  18. Shaggy…. 😂 Yes, he fits in perfectly with the Stars Wars crew. He’s one of Chewbacca’s cousins isn’t he? Now I understand why you didn’t yoga. It’s the Lego reenactments. Yes, they are quite thrilling. 😂 Entertaining post. Thanks for the smiles and laughs. Stay out of the rain Superdad.

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