Holidays, special occasions and anniversaries can be a beautiful time BUT…

They can be a nightmare for many. A time when isolation, fear, anxieties and loss are amplified. Where a spotlight is directed on what is no more, what will never happen and what is looming. A time when probably the last thing you want to hear about is all around you. Blasting out from the TV and Radio. Seemingly the only thing that people are talking about.

I know that feeling because I’ve been there. Been in that position. I know what it feels like. Even after 4 and a bit years (is it really that long). Even though I’ve started down new roads, new paths. Even though I’ve learnt to smile again. That feeling can still be there. It probably always will be.

With me it’s a double edge sword. That feeling hits. My heart and spirit drop. I want to retreat. Hide away in my room. Find safety and sanctuary there. Yet doing that immediately opens up that feeling of isolation and being confined in a small space. A prison. Feeling even more alone.

So yes I so understand this feeling. That feeling still lives with me. Not all the time but it’s never that far away. Especially at these special times.

If you are in that place. Your not alone. I’m with you as well.

44 thoughts on “That feeling

  1. Firstly that photo you took is awesome – a prelude to your soliloquy I felt. I felt the words and all I can say is you are a good dad to your children and that you took on the responsibilities with so much care for them. You will age with their love and care. In good time, you will find new love – open you heart. Garfield hugs and may the warmth and love of your children and friends, envelope you in this holiday time, where people are most vulnerable. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you and I know where you are at too and you are not alone either. For some reason I too hadn’t calculated how long ago my Beloved nephew had (as the obituary puts it) “Passed away”, as the feelings are today or seems like only a moment ago and not so “Passed away”. I sometimes feel like there’s a deep wound scabbed over, but that bloody happy Christmas songs pick at the bugger. Still, for the sake of anyone in my vicinity I tend to alone those feelings (sometimes taking time out in the loo at work), for we have to keep going and be here for each other, with a chin up and find something bloody hilarious to laugh at (and sometimes also go to the loo at work to inappropriately laugh). 🀣 Thankfully work has plenty of bog roll for each of these occasions. 🧻

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      1. I don’t do xmas, but as a gift to the other staff who do, I’ve put my name down for working over the next few days. I get double pay apparently, so there is that. I bought a red top for the 25th to brighten up the proceedings and play into the part.

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  3. As long as life goes the expected way or at least upwards, Christmas is a dream to celebrate. But if fundamental things in life change, you feel like not belonging to the Christmas community. I understand that the feeling of isolation only grows. These times are not supporting the other direction. But I am glad to hear that you could change so much about your inner world during the year and the Christmas community will always be there with open arms to be joined again whenever you are ready. Much love to you, Gary πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think you could win a prize with these photos.The good thing about Xmas this year
    is that elderly people can refuse to stay with their children,travelling in the cold
    having no peace.And adult children can’t e forced to travel in that madXmas rish
    My mother in law took the double bed out of her spare room so we could not both stay there & she could not come to us!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. There are so many who go through this during the many special times of year. If you have had someone special in your life that you lost, it is part of a process you can’t avoid. It’s part of being human. My heart goes out to so many.

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  6. You’ve got such a beautiful heart, Gary Kermit Superdad! The holidays are rough for SO many people, for lots of reasons.
    It hurts my heart to think of anyone feeling alone. I’ve felt that way too, and it’s awful. πŸ’ŒπŸ’ŒπŸ’Œ

    Liked by 1 person

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