Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 30 Comments

Not at all

For days this part of Yorkshire has been weather stuck. Stuck under mist, grey clouds and no sign of the sun. Apart from a few dog walks, the kind of weather that keeps you not too far from the fire. Trying to keep warm, I was sat going through some old photos and came across similar greyness in Switzerland. Rather than sat by a fire, here we were sat inside a warm lake boat, with hot drinks and breakfast, watching the world go reassuringly slowly by. Not belting anywhere at 100mph, just leisurely making our way across lake water. Savouring the journey rather than just impatiently trying to get somewhere fast.

Too often I find life goes by way too quickly, way too much stress, feeling out of control with no time to contemplate life. Even when the weather was grey, I treasured those moments of stillness on that lake. A chance to quietly think and breathe.

Those boat trips are years back, definitely well beyond my rear view mirror now. They haven’t really been replaced with anything similar. Life happened, a new reality dawned. A reality which often seemed like constantly moving from one activity to the next. Constantly busy, constantly occupied, rushing, maybe not achieving anything, maybe not feeling like making progress, just always doing stuff. Feeling like I hardly had any time to stop and breathe.

I love nature, I find so much peace there. When was the last time I spent real time gazing at a real mountain, a lake, out to sea. Not just a a fleeting glance then off again, actually stopping and taking the time to take in the wonder and the beauty. I’m tempted to say I don’t do this enough, but sadly the real answer is NOT AT ALL….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 31 Comments

Bonfire Night

Blue Sky Yorkshire, if only this was the norm. Bonfire Night was certainly way more cloudy, way more drizzly. A few very damp fireworks, definitely way less than previous years. The only disruptive noise coming from next door’s mad Dog barking incessantly at the local Owl. The Owl sits on a tree overlooking the garden, and turns it back to the Dog. The Dog must get really frustrated at being ignored.

Hawklad loves F1, he has a real fascination for the motorsport. At the weekend we went to a talk by a former Team Principal and real character, Austrian Guenther Steiner. Hawklad loved it, especially as we got seats that were not next to anyone else, that really helps. If he feels hemmed in then it becomes way too stressful for him. If he feels stressed then he usually has to quickly leave. He has survived a number of rock concerts largely because of the combination of the noise, the darkness and people focused on the stage. This all adds to a feeling of anonymity, that’s the key. Plus he can move around to find less busy areas. He just doesn’t want to feel like he is seen.

This was all brought into stark focus after the talk had finished. Hawklad put his head down, hoody over his head. Out of the Arena, through the streets for 40 minutes, he never looked up once. Only when he got back into the safety of the car, did he raise his eyes and relax. The social side to life is so difficult for him.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 50 Comments

Donuts

Another late evening trip out for Hawklad, this time a couple of hours drive to the beautiful Peak District. It might well have been quicker but I managed to get lost in the dreaded Yorkshire Twilight Zone, otherwise known as the city Sheffield’s road network.

On the bright side, while lost we discovered a Dunkin Donuts store. One of those occasions where I happily ignore any gluten issues I may have for the GREATER GOOD….

The downside of evening trips is that you can far too quickly start to run out of light, BUT for those couple of hours, having somewhere as amazing as this place basically to ourselves, absolutely wonderful for Hawklad.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 32 Comments

6.30PM

Summer poses its own set of challenges. This season’s weather hasn’t been great with few warm weather days. Yes there has been sun but it’s often felt more like late October than high Summer. But the weather hasn’t deterred the crowds. Try to go anywhere around midday and the car parks are mobbed. Hawklad doesn’t do mobbed car parks….

But leave it until the evening and suddenly the car parks are empty. Ok that usually means the venue is shut but not everywhere. Just like Dalby Forest. A few hours earlier this walk would have been rammed with hikers, dog walkers and mountain bikers but now at 6-30pm it’s all change. It’s quiet, we are the only car in the car park. A 2 hour walk and we didn’t see another soul.

Or just like 6-30pm on the North East Coast. A couple of intrepid surfers enjoying warming drinks on the beach. A couple of ball chasing dogs with well wrapped up owners. That’s it. Solitude.

Yes 6-30PM cuts down the places open but it opens up so much space and peace. It works for us. Just don’t forget the Woolly Hats, it is Summer here.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 73 Comments

What did it cost them

I ended up with way too many missing pieces from the jigsaw which painted the life of my parents before they had our family, before me. I never took the time to ask for those missing pieces when I had the chance…..DEEP SIGH.

But I can sketch some details with the pieces I do have.

Dad loved playing cricket, loved to go and see Yorkshire play. He would go for long bike rides, go fishing, loved to ride on steam trains. He was also a bit of a party animal, putting on his suit and heading to the dance halls. He liked to look after himself, liked to be fit. Apparently he was also a bit of a comedian, very gregarious.

Mum loved to dress up and go dancing with her friends. Way too much dancing for her parents liking. She loved music, especially the likes of Crosby, Martin and her always favourite Sinatra. She also loved the cinema but only to see musicals or romance. She also really wanted to travel, wanted to see Paris and New York. In a word, apparently she was FUN.

Then they had three daughters and two sons.

Dad never talked about it, but looking back I’m convinced he fought depression for years. Boughts of heavy smoking and drinking. Hours sat in his chair, pretending to read the same newspaper page yet eyes fixed on a blank wall. Volcanic eruptions of anger, followed by days of silence. Those eyes, eyes filled with suppressed tears, frustration and anguish, was that why he frequently avoided eye contact. Some days he seemed unable to function, rooted to his bed, did sleep bring some temporary relief. Maybe he opened up at Work or at the Pub, not to his family. At home, one word summed the mood, UNAPPROACHABLE. Maybe DISTANCED is better. One word definitely didn’t fit Dad, HAPPY. I can’t remember him smiling or laughing. He worked, he gardened, he went to the pub.

Mum was more open. She said she struggled. She would apologise sometimes simply saying something like she wasn’t feeling like herself. Yes I can remember Mum laughing and smiling, but I can also remember way too many tears. She often seemed so sad. I remember a doctor visit, mum rooted to a sofa, talk of a nervous breakdown. She soldiered on. She had never touched alcohol but started to drink some sherry to calm her stomach. She went shopping, went to see her parents, went to her part time job, went to school evenings when school needed to see a parent, she looked after the house and US. She never went out socially, never met friends, never seemed to listen to music. She never put on a dress, she never made it to Paris or New York.

What did life, marriage and parenting COST THEM….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 29 Comments

Moors

Summer on the North Yorkshire Moors.

Just a few clouds make such a huge difference to the mood here.

Did I ever really grieve, TWICE

Back in 2016, almost to the day. I was sorting out mum’s funeral, broken yet my mind was on my seriously ill partner. It felt like grief had been put on hold. Then a few weeks later I’m sorting out my partners funeral and again …..

Was I really grieving, how much was I allowing myself to grieve.

My focus was on our son, trying to keep my head above the single parenting waves. Looking back I was living through Hawklad. If he was happy, I was happy. If he struggled, I struggled. Did I ever really think and meditate about what grief and death truly meant, how it was changing me.

Probably NOT.

Probably figured out way more about me as a PARENT.

Maybe the Mood will change one day and I can start to seek a little more clarity on grief and how it’s changed me, still changing me.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 43 Comments

searching for

The weather isn’t playing ball but the flowers have had enough, they are starting to bloom.

Just need the sun now….

It might be a bit of a wait for that ….

Excessive handwashing,

Excessive clothes changing,

Excessive need for reassurance,

Excessive need to order and arrange things,

Excessive need to check and recheck things,

Excessive hoarding.

I was told by a Paediatrician that OCD was one of the potential anxieties that we should look out for with Hawklad. As a toddler he was obsessed with lining toy animals and cars in increasingly long straight lines. Apparently that can be a forewarning of later life OCD and an early flag of Autism. The Paediatrician said for unknown reasons there is a link. I think he said that 2% of the population can experience severe OCD, for Autism the percentage jumps to 20%.

Whatever the reasons, whatever the numbers, OCD has a huge impact on daily life, it ramps up anxiety and stress levels. It does with Hawklad. If anything the OCD grows. Sadly up to now the advice and support with OCD can be best described by the phrase

Best of luck with that….

It’s often down to individuals and families to try to chart a path through these never ending storms. Trying to find ideas, anything to try.

The search is ongoing here.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 22 Comments

The Wall – disc two

That’s a shed load of water heading towards the sea just a few yards further on.

Too many times in Hawklad’s school life, he came across an inflexible school system, setting him up to fail, blocking his path.

Two of many examples…..

He was struggling with French. The way it was taught wasn’t working for him, he was falling behind and getting really anxious. Parrot learning how to spell and read French for weekly tests. I approached the teacher to talk about this and our preference to try something different. A more visual and interactive learning App approach. An approach producing great results in some US schools for dyslexic pupils. We even offered to pay for the software. The response sadly predictable. No learning approach could be used that differed from the standard national programme. Even when I pressed on the fact that it just wasn’t working for Hawklad, it was a firm, he just has to work harder using the set learning script. In the end Hawklad was given just two options. Follow the class programme or drop the language course. So he dropped the subject, even though he really wanted to learn a language……

Computer Studies featured a significant element of learning and practicing coding. Month after month, trying to read stuff of a classroom screen then re type it. Get it slightly wrong and it errors out. A nightmare with dyslexia. Again Hawklad started to fall behind. Again the teacher was approached. This time more understanding but still inflexible. The teacher realised it wasn’t working for Hawklad and talked about in the past being able to try different things or switch out coding out for something else. But now the Teacher wasn’t allowed to do that even when the method isn’t working. He had to stick to the set curriculum. End result, Hawklad dropped the subject at the first opportunity…….

So many more examples but you get the picture. At no stage did school ever ask Hawklad what he wanted to do, what were his dreams, his big hopes, the things he was interested in. At no stage was the learning environment tailored to his needs or wishes. It was always, here is the education you must follow. What makes it worse is that this set education is ultimately dictated not by children, not by educational professionals, not by parents but by vested interests and politicians.

As a result far too many children are overlooked and forced into moulds that just won’t ever work for them. A WALL is built blocking the child from thriving, from enjoying developing, from dreaming big and for going down the path that works for them.

This has to CHANGE, that WALL has to come down.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 31 Comments

Moments

Yorkshire has its moments on the peaceful walk front….

This walk had a definite start and end, the Car Park. Some journeys don’t have that luxury so how do you ever know when it’s nearly over.

It’s odd, I usually love this time of year. The AUTUMNAL colours, the freshness, the tranquil peace after the packed summer crowds – the new season arrives and we had this beautiful location virtually to ourselves.

Yet this year there is also a feeling of unease and melancholy. The shorter days, longer nights and yes, the feeling of increased isolation. Even family and friends seem just that little bit further away. I definitely feel significantly less prepared for that isolation this time around AND ITS NOT a surprise. For over a decade the focus has been on Hawklad and School. It brought purpose, provided goals to aim for, even provided a few too many battles to fight. Plans all had a set date, Summer 2023. All this was way more pressing than any feelings of isolation but now that date is history. The Plans worked but are now completed.

What happens next for Hawklad is taking longer to sort out than expected.

Currently life without Plans or more accurately, life while new Plans are still yet to be formulated. Without that immediate focus I’m kinda feeling in limbo. With me LIMBO is letting the mind wander off into feelings of isolation and melancholy. At this rate I might even have to sort out some stuff about my future, it’s been so long it feels like I have forgotten how to do that. At least when we know what Hawklad’s path is, focus will return.

But this time around, I also need to work on some plans of my own.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 42 Comments

Privatisation

I think I hit new BRAIN FUDGED exam heights this afternoon. Just driven back from school and for about 10 seconds I was stood bemused next to the house front door. The locked front door. Why wouldn’t it open. I was repeatedly pressing the car remote door opening key.

D’oh.

Once I had finally opened the pesky front door with its traditional key, I found a letter from a rather large public utility company which had been privatised a few years decades back. Customers were told that this would significantly improve service levels and keep prices down….

We are still waiting for those particular benefits to arrive.

The letter was addressed to Hawklad’s Mum. Over the 6 plus years since the world changed, I have repeatedly tried to get them to change this. Apparently the main database has been changed but other databases not linked to the main one keep popping up. Clearly the privatised company can’t afford to link all its systems. Got to pay those Dividends…..

Well back to the letter. A few years back, seeing my partners name on the address would have wrecked me. Things have changed now. The grief journey moves further down the road. This time I focused on the text next to the address.

We know times are hard, we are here to help. We want to do all we can, so open the envelope to see what we can do for you…

Well for a start you could stop fleecing your customers with ridiculously sky high prices and monumentally poor service levels. You could also stop your Chief Executive getting millions in performance related bonuses.

I dealt with the letter in the appropriate manner. Throw it to the mad Cat and Dog, let them rip it to shreds.

But the key point is that I focused on the contents of the letter rather than on the name on the letter. I never thought I could ever do that but when the time is right, the journey starts to become just a bit less painful.