Backwards or forwards

The last garden Daffodil of the season has decided to bloom about a month after all the others started dying off.

And a dog trying to sneak into the picture

Somethings you just can’t control. Can’t control when the flowers bloom and you certainly can’t control pets..

The last couple of years has shown that I have little control over my moods. Even less control over that part of my brain which determines the memories or thoughts which will be flashed in front of my eyes. No control but definitely a pattern exists.

When I’m in a positive mood I often drift back to memories from the past, the places and times I spent with my partner. I feel so blessed that I was given the chance to experience these precious, happy times.

However when I slip into darker moods, the same process doesn’t seem to work. Rather than looking back at happy memories, my mind constantly tries to force me into the future. Trying to show me the many places or events I won’t get to share with my partner. I find this so crushing.

Today images of New Zealand and Canada, those long planned trips which we can never share. Last week it was images of not being able to grow old together.

Hopefully tomorrow it’s a return to happy memories.

Winter is over..

Spring has finally arrived here.

A few weeks ago I overheard someone say “I think we are all ready for some sun now, it will cheer everybody up”.

Well the warm sun has arrived and yet I don’t feel particularly cheered up. I have been stuck in a ‘down spell’ for weeks now. Not the complete desolation I suffered after my partner died, just feeling low all the time, not sleeping well, often feeling sad, struggling to smile. The stuff which helped lift my spirits previously just don’t seem to be working currently.

Deep down I realise this particular down spell will eventually pass. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a weeks time, maybe it will take ….

The strange thing is that a few days ago, a friend told me that I seemed happy and over my grieving. How could he be so wrong. Well the simple answer is that I’m not happier, certainly not ‘over’ my grief. However I have obviously become much better at hiding my feelings, hiding the real me, pretending not to be depressed.

More Hair Disasters

In the long line of parenting skills I’m sadly lacking, hairdressing is near the top. This week witnessed another hair disaster. My son spoke the dreaded words a few days ago. “Can you help me sort out a fancy dress costume…..”. All went surprisingly well until it came to the hair.

A change of hair colour was required.

A can of temporary hair dye was purchased, and carefully applied. Bingo it’s the right colour, job done.

Unfortunately I missed the small print on the can, in particular the lines “apply sparingly” and “apply in short bursts, with only a few seconds application required to successfully dye hair”.

Maybe using the whole can up in one application was a bit overkill…

Well a few days later, multiple hair washes have failed to remove the temporary hair colour from my son. The hair spray also does a really good job of permanently changing the colour of pillows and bed sheets.

I’m betting that the temporary hair colour will outlast the first garden flowers of the year.

Winter continues

Tomorrow March arrives yet winter continues here. It’s bleak and very cold.

The weather is matching my mood. Today the world seems a cold, bleak and lonely place. Luckily my son will return from school soon and he will lift my spirits. Even the bleak landscape will start to be transformed. Its amazing what a snowman can do.

Winter continues

Tomorrow March arrives yet winter continues here. It’s bleak and very cold.

The weather is matching my mood. Today the world seems a cold, bleak and lonely place. Luckily my son will return from school soon and he will lift my spirits. Even the bleak landscape will start to be transformed. Its amazing what a snowman can do.

Snowdrops

Walks in February would always involve my partner stopping frequently to admire the patches of snowdrops. I must admit I never really paid much attention to them. To busy looking at the hills, birds or passing planes. That was before the world changed.

Now I stop and get as close as I can to these delicate little flowers. I’ve started to realise what my partner used to see in them.

And just maybe she is enjoying them with me as well.

Love Story

Great trip to Newcastle today. After the drive back, in the mood for a movie night.

I see one of tonight’s possible movie viewing pleasures is the old and really happy Love Story with Ryan O’Neal and Ali MacGraw.

I will probably give that one a very, very wide berth.

Valentines Day

Looking back at last year, two days were particularly bleak for me. Those were my partners birthday and Valentines Day. Fast forward into 2018 and Valentines Day is looming. It’s still a week to go but it’s everywhere. The shops are full of Valentines cards, flowers and gifts. The TV and Radio is just wall to wall Valentines Day adverts. Even my e-mail account is filling up with helpful reminders from companies imploring me to not forget to buy my loved one the perfect red rose or the perfect gift.

“Don’t forget to buy your loved one this indulgent….”

“The perfect gift this Valentines for the one you love…”

“Give the gift of memories…”

“Love is in the air…”

JUST HAVE TO SURVIVE SEVEN DAYS OF THIS

Every day I grieve. Even on the good days I still get moments of desolation. What is certainly not helping is the constant Valentines advertising bombardment. Yes I want to remember her, but on my own terms.

So as part of my survival strategy I am tomorrow

  • Filtering out any email referencing the V word, the junk folder is going to get a hammering
  • At the first sign of any advert break , the TV/radio will either be turned off or I shall leave the room to make a coffee
  • I am also going to lock away any cd I find which features the Clapton track “Tears in Heaven”.

Beards

It’s funny you live with someone for 18 years and you realise sometimes how little you know about them.

A while back me and my son barricaded the doors and closed out the world for a few days. During that splendid isolation I started to grow my first ever beard. I’ve got no idea how my late partner would have reacted to it. Beards never really came up in our chats.

I think secretly I hoped that the facial hair would transform my Homer Simpson looks into something more resembling George Clooney. Fat chance!

Still one person did say it made me look a bit like the great actor Brian Blessed. That’s a distinct improvement, so the beard stays for a while longer.