Just a few clouds make such a huge difference to the mood here.
Did I ever really grieve, TWICE
Back in 2016, almost to the day. I was sorting out mum’s funeral, broken yet my mind was on my seriously ill partner. It felt like grief had been put on hold. Then a few weeks later I’m sorting out my partners funeral and again …..
Was I really grieving, how much was I allowing myself to grieve.
My focus was on our son, trying to keep my head above the single parenting waves. Looking back I was living through Hawklad. If he was happy, I was happy. If he struggled, I struggled. Did I ever really think and meditate about what grief and death truly meant, how it was changing me.
Probably NOT.
Probably figured out way more about me as a PARENT.
Maybe the Mood will change one day and I can start to seek a little more clarity on grief and how it’s changed me, still changing me.
Sat in a surprisingly quiet cinema, watching Despicable Me 4. I could hear Hawklad laughing, along with his fellow Minion Movie Goers…. I smiled then slowly an emotion swept over me. One I’ve had before in these nearly 8 years of single parenting but never this strong, this striking. Would she recognise his laugh, it’s been 8 long years, so much has changed.
His mum never got to see or experience this moment, all the moments. In 2016, when he was just 8, she left this stage. She has missed out on so much, the highs, the lows, the laughs, the tears, the struggles, the adventures, the family time, seeing all the great strides he has taken. Would she even recognise him now.
She missed so much.
Missed so much precious time.
I know the value of that now, I didn’t a few years back. Maybe that’s the thing about LOSS and BEREAVEMENT. You get to see the fragility of life and what is lost. You start to develop a better focus on the value of time and the pricelessness of the precious moments.
Each Day, Dad would pick up the local newspaper, briefly glance at the main headline and then it was straight to the same old page. He would turn to the Death Notices which bizarrely was on the same page as the previous day’s horse racing results…. I’m not sure what message the Editor was sending there.
Each Day, Dad would carefully scan the names to see who had died. I never understood Dad’s seeming obsession with that.
Now after all the years, I understand…..
Last night I had a series of bizarre dreams. Not bad dreams, just odd ones. One featured a friend from college, a long forgotten friend. Hadn’t seen her in decades, we met up a couple of times in London after college but then we just lost touch, we headed in different life directions. No idea why she suddenly popped up randomly last night but after that dream I wondered what happened to K. So I headed online to see if I could find any mention of her. After a bit of searching I think I maybe found one brief reference to K, right name, right age. If it’s K then she has become some form of Judge, I had heard years back she was training to be a solicitor. Hope this means it’s a good life scenario.
But here’s the thing, alongside hopes of finding news of K in a wonderful life setup, a big part of me was just hoping she was ok, still with us. I think Dad would understand that feeling.
Walk around any store and look at all the food labelling. Detailed information and warnings on all sorts of things which these days means that you can try to shop wisely and safely. It can be done….
A really grey, wet and chilly May Day. We needed to get out so we ventured to the local cinema. Only two films about to start as we arrived. One about Apes running the planet and one about a big blue imaginary monster friend. Looking at the posters, what to go for. Well hardly scientific, we have already seen the Kong movie recently, that’s probably enough Ape for one year. The other movie looked quite cute and funny. Plus as it was rated ok for small children, it should be safe, untaxing entertainment, perfect way to vegetate for a couple of hours.
IF only we had more detailed movie labelling….. AND NO it’s way too late putting a brief disclaimer on the screen that the movie contains depictions of death, bereavement, adult themes, strobe lighting or whatever barely two seconds before the movie starts. If they can do it then they can do it on the trailers, movie posters or what’s on cinema ticket booth screens.
Ok yes, the movie had lots of cute, funny and harmless entertainment. It was a really good movie. BUT all sandwiched between a 12 year old girl trying to deal with her mum dying of what appeared to be cancer and her father in hospital facing the prospect of a major life threatening heart operation. Quite a lot of the movie was the girl visiting her father in hospital and being petrified of losing him as well…..
Definitely brought the occasional tear to this grizzled lump, Hawklad struggled. But was it suitable for really young children, especially those who might have already experienced loss. And what about the two poor parents who brought their really young children to see the cute film. One child had to leave in tears early on and the other had to be taken out to buy some distracting ice cream during one tough scene.
IF only those parents had some film labelling and warnings before they bought the tickets.
This week I’ve got round to something which has been nearly EIGHT years in the making.
A few years back was the start of the world changing for us. Since then Hawklad has experienced losing his mum, two grannies, an uncle and a niece. Not to mention several pets. Hard enough for a grizzled, well weathered muppet like me, unimaginably tough for a child who was only 8 when the world started changing.
I’ve always tried to find the right words for Hawklad, being open to whatever he needs to get through this but being brutally honest, I’ve tended to skim over some really important areas when it comes to how I’m getting through this. Definitely putting off making sense of what death and loss truly mean, I don’t think I was ready for that. Now it kinda feels like it’s been put off long enough.
The hotel we stayed at in Switzerland had a beautiful reading room, filled with books in German, French, Italian and English. In the English section I noticed on our last trip a fine collection of CS Lewis books. Plenty of the expected magical adventures but amongst those was a clearly well thumbed little book. This was his diary on GRIEF, talking about what he was thinking and struggling with during the weeks after he had lost his wife. Even back then, I could quickly tell that it wasn’t an easy read and that was before our world changing. I remember carefully putting the book back, thinking ‘thankfully not yet…”. It soon would be….. yet I always put off visiting those pages.
Now in 2024, it’s time to read that book as it has a huge relevance to me, AND now I feel I’m ready to open some of those closed doors.
Images from that last Switzerland adventure when that book was still not required….
The last storm toppled the walls of this STRAW CASTLE. The Farmer won’t be happy.
At least it is still in better shape than the local stone castle.
One of the first post funeral trips I managed by myself was to a book fair just a few yards from what’s left of this castle. It wasn’t easy or enjoyable but I did do it, a step forward back then. One of the books I brought home was a ‘how to survive bereavement’ guide. It quickly ended up in the bin but I do remember one thing it talked about. How talking to a lost loved one might feel natural but wasn’t a good thing. Apparently it just stopped you moving on.
I clearly didn’t listen to that gem of advice that well.
Even after 7 plus years, if there is any news about her SON, I tell her. To me it’s not about moving on, it just seems the right thing to do for us.
Maybe one day someone will produce the shortest ever bereavement guide. One page. Maybe it just needs to say.
Every grief journey is unique. As time goes on you will start to figure out yours.
Two storms with names this week, that’s 10 named storms this season so far. It is definitely a bit bracing perched on top of a little Northern Hill. I would tell you the average wind speed in our garden but the recently purchased weather station was obliterated during the last storm.
Let’s just say it’s BREEZY and a tad DAMP.
The perfect time to put the recycling out for collection. I dread to think which country our cardboard is currently flying across.
It’s odd that you can live in a little bungalow for over 20 years and still feel completely lost when the lights cut out. The perfect time to test the various torches and battery lamps, because this newfangled piped electricity has proved a bit part time over the last few months. The other odd thing is the different perspective torch light gives on familiarity. Sat by myself in a king sized bed, in a room clearly made for two with half empty wardrobes, all illuminated by a cheap torch….
It shines a flickering, underpowered light on life and loss.
Netherlands inspired Christmas at the local Country House. Maybe next year we can try a slightly downscaled version in our little bungalow.
Still the Country House is a good place to come when our village power is off, AGAIN. You don’t apparently get supply problems in Netherlands….
I was reminded that we haven’t been inside this place since our world changed back in 2016. We would come here often, then life abruptly changed course and our smaller family stopped coming. That’s been a common theme.
It’s been a while since I read Peter Pan. From what I can remember it’s about the inevitability of growing up and plans suddenly changing. Life happens. Too often losing our sense of adventure and missing opportunities. Losing confidence to LIVE and FLY. BUT IT DOESN’T have to be this way.
Back in 2015 we had planned to take Hawklad to the theatre to see Panto. Many countries don’t do Panto so here is a short Yorkshire Guide to it.
Panto runs at many theatres across the country over Christmas and New Year. Silly, family musical comedies based on Fairy Tales. Each Panto tends to have at least one almost semi famous TV star, one kinda local celebrity and a group of actors, with a few just starting on their careers. Cheesy jokes, slapstick action, catchy songs, big sets, great costumes and really over the top acting. Much audience participation, compulsory booing of the pantomime villain and shouts of ‘it’s behind you’. Some really unfortunate parent always gets singled out for much social embarrassment.
It’s still hugely popular in the UK.
Roll back the clock and in 2015 Hawklad’s mum wasn’t well which stopped us going. Our world changed in 2016 so no panto. Years passed without panto, then COVID.
But finally in December 2023, many years late and WE got to PANTO. Better late than never…… in York’s old Theatre Royal.
Hawklad absolutely loved it. Muppet Dad thankfully avoided being the unfortunate Dad picked on throughout the 2 hours show. Yes it was a truly wonderful, enjoyable family show. That good that tonight we are already booking tickets for next years Panto which is going to be Aladdin..… It took too many years but now we can’t wait to keep up this new tradition.
Back to 2016 and our world changed. I remember being handed a help booklet with the Death Certificate. It explained all the stuff you had to do when your partner had died, how to arrange a funeral, possible help. It read like an IKEA Wardrobe Assembly sheet.
I remember reading the financial support section. It talked about claiming Bereavement and Widowed Parent Support from the Government. It explained that these benefits were available if you were a married couple with a child in full time education. In BOLD it said NO SUPPORT for Unmarried or Civil Partnership Bereaved Partners.
Fast forward all these years and CHANGE. A Successful Legal Challenge against the UK Government has overturned this rule. Now Bereavement Support has to be offered to ALL couples. So last night I completed the 12 page claim form, Hawklad is still in Full Time Education. No guarantees as the Government is trying to limit the damage BUT worth a try.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 