Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 52 Comments

Dad

An evening Yorkshire Forest walk.

A thought struck me as we ambled towards the light. I would have loved to have done something like this with my Dad. Don’t get me wrong, we occasionally had trips out, but they were pretty rare. Looking back to my childhood I can still count the trips. I remember Dad taking me to see the 125 High Speed Locomotive, back then it looked like a Space Age Rocket rather than a Passenger Train as it passed through Darlington Station. I remember a trip to a Train Museum where I found an old ticket machine that dished out things that looked like raffle tickets. As we walked around the museum he eagerly checked out each steam train while I trailed a few paces behind. There was another trip to see a charity cricket match featuring the sporting legend Fred Truman. That was the trip Dad sent me into the players showers to get Fred’s autograph…. Not sure that’s happening these days…. A few trips to the coast to see a storm, sat in Dad’s banged out car, I’m eating chips while Dad is silently smoking.

The whole family would have an annual trip to Scarborough. Dad would frequently disappear for most of the days to do his thing. I can remember seeing him sat on a bench some distance away from the rest of the family as they tried to stop me from falling off the Donkey Rides on the beach.

That’s it, I can’t remember any other trips with Dad. Definitely no walks through a Forest….

To be completely fair, back then in our northern working class town travel was way less accessible. Few cars, even rarer aircraft tickets…

At home there was similarly limited Dad time. Dad might be briefly pulled away from reading the newspaper to talk, I might get a few words before he buried his head back into the racing and obituary pages. As Dad listened to his radio on an evening I would clearly annoy him with interruptions, you just know when someone wants you to shut up. Volunteering to take him a cup of tea to him while he sat in his Greenhouse might yield me a few minutes being told all about how to grow tomatoes or raspberries. Even when I was sent on a Sunday to the local Pub to tell Dad that his meal was getting cold, I would be lucky to get a brief nod before I was pointed in the direction of the door. On the way home again I trailed a few paces behind while. We just didn’t talk that much. So few chats with Dad.

Those times were so frustrating to me. I would have loved ME TIME with DAD, yet in reality MY DAD TIME felt very distanced. I’m sure it wasn’t the case but it just felt like I was often a nuisance, a bit in the way, an interruption to Dad’s routines.

The end result was I always felt distant from him. He didn’t understand me and I didn’t really know him. I knew he liked trains, liked cricket, he liked fishing, he liked gardening, he liked beer, he smoked, he was in the army. Looking back, I now realise that he wasn’t happy, probably chronically depressed and I still don’t know him. I will never know him.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 50 Comments

Donuts

Another late evening trip out for Hawklad, this time a couple of hours drive to the beautiful Peak District. It might well have been quicker but I managed to get lost in the dreaded Yorkshire Twilight Zone, otherwise known as the city Sheffield’s road network.

On the bright side, while lost we discovered a Dunkin Donuts store. One of those occasions where I happily ignore any gluten issues I may have for the GREATER GOOD….

The downside of evening trips is that you can far too quickly start to run out of light, BUT for those couple of hours, having somewhere as amazing as this place basically to ourselves, absolutely wonderful for Hawklad.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 32 Comments

6.30PM

Summer poses its own set of challenges. This season’s weather hasn’t been great with few warm weather days. Yes there has been sun but it’s often felt more like late October than high Summer. But the weather hasn’t deterred the crowds. Try to go anywhere around midday and the car parks are mobbed. Hawklad doesn’t do mobbed car parks….

But leave it until the evening and suddenly the car parks are empty. Ok that usually means the venue is shut but not everywhere. Just like Dalby Forest. A few hours earlier this walk would have been rammed with hikers, dog walkers and mountain bikers but now at 6-30pm it’s all change. It’s quiet, we are the only car in the car park. A 2 hour walk and we didn’t see another soul.

Or just like 6-30pm on the North East Coast. A couple of intrepid surfers enjoying warming drinks on the beach. A couple of ball chasing dogs with well wrapped up owners. That’s it. Solitude.

Yes 6-30PM cuts down the places open but it opens up so much space and peace. It works for us. Just don’t forget the Woolly Hats, it is Summer here.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 29 Comments

Moors

Summer on the North Yorkshire Moors.

Just a few clouds make such a huge difference to the mood here.

Did I ever really grieve, TWICE

Back in 2016, almost to the day. I was sorting out mum’s funeral, broken yet my mind was on my seriously ill partner. It felt like grief had been put on hold. Then a few weeks later I’m sorting out my partners funeral and again …..

Was I really grieving, how much was I allowing myself to grieve.

My focus was on our son, trying to keep my head above the single parenting waves. Looking back I was living through Hawklad. If he was happy, I was happy. If he struggled, I struggled. Did I ever really think and meditate about what grief and death truly meant, how it was changing me.

Probably NOT.

Probably figured out way more about me as a PARENT.

Maybe the Mood will change one day and I can start to seek a little more clarity on grief and how it’s changed me, still changing me.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

Green Day

Somedays you just can’t touch anything. A few years back that would have shut everything down, locked down in the house or in the garden.

But now we have figured out a bit more stuff, actually you can do so much with a bit of preparation and patience.

200 miles of driving.

Park up in the UK’s third most populous city.

Walk to a big Cricket Ground.

Strike lucky and find quite a bit of space close to the side of the stage. Amazing as it’s a 50000 sell out.

See a double rainbow.

See Green Day, one of Hawklad’s favourite bands.

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Still cold

An April trip to Scarborough. Time to put on the Simon and Garfunkel cover of the old English Folk Song.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair…

Well I hope they got wrapped up as it was seriously COLD, AGAIN. Beautiful but COLD.

The Scarborough song is about asking too much of others, asking impossible tasks, love fracturing. Well it would mess up if one lover was expecting a Caribbean beach holiday and they ended up on a long weekend in not so tropical Yorkshire.

We had been over here for an appointment, the last bit of formal support Hawklad gets these days. One 45 minute session every 3 weeks or so. From about the age of thirteen the support levels have shrunk rapidly. Get to 18 or 19 and they will have completely disappeared. Not because the need isn’t there, it’s likely to be there more than ever, but because nationally access to services are being restricted. Years of cut backs and efficiency restructurings have led to ‘streamlined’ services being overwhelmed with demand. So we get frustrated and angry with the lack of local support but unless mental health is given the priority it needs nationally, then it’s an IMPOSSIBLE task to support every need, it just can’t happen.

Or is it IMPOSSIBLE, at least could we do better, could we give some more support to those who need it. I guess it comes down to a couple of drivers…

– Maybe those in charge see more votes in focusing on tax cuts and immigration crackdowns,

– There are just not enough profits to be extracted by greedy hands from Mental Health Services.

The UKs so called Prime Minister will give daily speeches solely focusing on how he is being tough and proactive on trying to fly a few desperate refugees to Rwanda at a cost of £500 Million (plus…), yet he never seems to ever raise an eyebrow at the mental health crisis unfolding across the country. But what is clear.

The money is there, the money to fund services is definitely there.

This shouldn’t be impossible.

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Sky drawing

Pilot having fun or maybe a pilot realising that a packed lunch was left back at The Terminal.

Lovely blue skies from a few weeks back, it’s been definitely not blue skies since then. The fields keep on getting muddier.

Perfect weather to reread Wuthering Heights, no wonder the classic grim tale was set in deepest Yorkshire.

I was chatting with a postman this morning and he talked about a man who lives near a surrounding village. At the start of January, he had moved into an old farmhouse a few miles away from the nearest housing. He told the postman that it had been weeks since he had spoken to anyone. He has no family, he didn’t know anyone in the area and was really suffering from the isolation. He had signed up to a local walking group but the walks have been cancelled due to the state of the paths. He had signed up to the local golf course, but that had been shut for weeks due to flooding. The postman was his only social contact currently. What made it so much worse was that when he went shopping to the local city supermarket, no one would ever make eye contact with him. He described it as being ‘invisible’, like he didn’t ’exist’. The supermarket only has self service checkouts so he couldn’t even chat to someone scanning his shopping.

That got me thinking. How often do I go shopping with my head down, with my walls up.

I strongly suspect that’s happening way more these days, a pandemic certainly hasn’t helped. What is clear, more people are feeling isolated and cut off. More and more people are struggling, feeling unseen.

Tomorrow I’m going to make an effort to keep my head up when I go shopping.

Eye contact, maybe a smile, maybe even saying HI.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 58 Comments

Elephant in the room

Don’t get many of these around here. It’s a FORD. It’s about the only time my car gets a wash….

You can see the houses still have sandbags up against the front doors. These days this lovely village sadly suffers from floods way more frequently.

Parked up in a traffic queue waiting to cross a storm damaged bridge, I unfortunately got to listen to the NEWS. MOST Unfortunate as it involved listening to the Government Education Minister trying to explain why more and more pupils are not attending school. Record numbers. Apparently it’s down to a number of factors,

Bad parenting

Immigration

Really bad parenting

Not enough discipline

Truly awful parenting

Benefits culture

Liberal politics

Moral standards

Monumentally bad parenting

Not enough Parents being fined for letting the Country down. Well over a quarter of a million parent fines just isn’t enough….

I guess I am one of THOSE parents the system has a problem with. Well as ONE of those parents I was surprised that the School System and Government Education Policy wasn’t mentioned. No mention of school budget cuts. No mention of the complete collapse in Special Education Provision and Support. No mention of NHS Mental Health Services struggling to cope with the huge numbers of young people crying out for help. No mention of rising class sizes and overcrowded, unhealthy classrooms. No mention of crumbling school infrastructure. No mention of rising teacher workload and stagnant pay. No mention of increasing Government control of what is taught, how it’s taught, how it’s assessed. No mention of the fanatical focus on exam results and discipline. No mention of the drive towards Victorian Education Standards.

That’s a large ELEPHANT in the ROOM.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 22 Comments

The Wall – disc two

That’s a shed load of water heading towards the sea just a few yards further on.

Too many times in Hawklad’s school life, he came across an inflexible school system, setting him up to fail, blocking his path.

Two of many examples…..

He was struggling with French. The way it was taught wasn’t working for him, he was falling behind and getting really anxious. Parrot learning how to spell and read French for weekly tests. I approached the teacher to talk about this and our preference to try something different. A more visual and interactive learning App approach. An approach producing great results in some US schools for dyslexic pupils. We even offered to pay for the software. The response sadly predictable. No learning approach could be used that differed from the standard national programme. Even when I pressed on the fact that it just wasn’t working for Hawklad, it was a firm, he just has to work harder using the set learning script. In the end Hawklad was given just two options. Follow the class programme or drop the language course. So he dropped the subject, even though he really wanted to learn a language……

Computer Studies featured a significant element of learning and practicing coding. Month after month, trying to read stuff of a classroom screen then re type it. Get it slightly wrong and it errors out. A nightmare with dyslexia. Again Hawklad started to fall behind. Again the teacher was approached. This time more understanding but still inflexible. The teacher realised it wasn’t working for Hawklad and talked about in the past being able to try different things or switch out coding out for something else. But now the Teacher wasn’t allowed to do that even when the method isn’t working. He had to stick to the set curriculum. End result, Hawklad dropped the subject at the first opportunity…….

So many more examples but you get the picture. At no stage did school ever ask Hawklad what he wanted to do, what were his dreams, his big hopes, the things he was interested in. At no stage was the learning environment tailored to his needs or wishes. It was always, here is the education you must follow. What makes it worse is that this set education is ultimately dictated not by children, not by educational professionals, not by parents but by vested interests and politicians.

As a result far too many children are overlooked and forced into moulds that just won’t ever work for them. A WALL is built blocking the child from thriving, from enjoying developing, from dreaming big and for going down the path that works for them.

This has to CHANGE, that WALL has to come down.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 55 Comments

Bad parenting

That’s a moody landscape, maybe it knows just how messed up this LAND has become. That it has become the LAND of BAD GOVERNING.

Every single day more evidence of corruption, lies, self interest, extremism, vacuous morality and staggering incompetence.

The Environment, The Economy, Education, The NHS, Public Services, Democracy, Governance, Law, Support to those in Need, Equality, Families, Communities, Futures, ALL being TRASHED.

But what do you expect when we vote in clowns and charlatans to lead this Land.

Case in point, The Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party and frequent spokesman for the Government. Lee Anderson MP who previously claimed ‘Poverty in the UK’ was NONSENSE has now stated that….

ADHD is down to BAD PARENTING.

That bad science bombshell is news to the actual Scientists, Experts, Professional, Families and everyone who better understand ADHD. ADHD is associated with factors such as Genetics, Brain Structure, Brain Chemical Reactions and with extremely low levels of associated neurotransmitter transmission.

This bloke from the Government is spouting unfounded urban myths and conspiracy theories, AGAIN. This time by stigmatising caring and loving families who are just trying their hearts out and doing the best they can. He is trying to turn people against them. Divide and conquer.

As a parent who still lives in the ADHD world, I’m not going to take any lectures from this CLOWN. He has no idea, he doesn’t care but sadly has a massive ego and even bigger mouth.

Come on people of the UK, when the time comes, DO THE RIGHT THING and get rid of the Charlatans.