Maybe too many days we feel hemmed in. Surrounded by the same walls. Dealing with unyielding constraints. Fighting seemingly never ending battles. Difficulty trying to believe in dreams. Struggling to breathe.
Well that’s certainly me…..
The days of climbing rock faces in Scotland and the Lake District. Walking and running along wind swept beaches. Standing under the mighty Eiger and Matterhorn. Walking and touching history. These all sometimes seem such a distant memory. Things which might never happen again.
But there is always hope. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Yes it could be those four walls again but it could just be somewhere else. Somewhere we can breathe. A chance to spread our wings and soar again. That’s a lovely feeling. So I dived into my photo library and randomly picked a journey. A time when the wings were unfolded. Yes that is in the past BUT it could also be tomorrow.
One of Hawklads favourite movies is Groundhog Day. Must admit a I’ve always liked that film. I’m showing my 1000 year plus age now by saying FILM. Anyway I liked that Bill Murray film because it was funny and a bit about redemption. Repeatedly through life I’ve had that Groundhog Day feeling. It’s so hard to put down on paper. That feeling that on this long journey, the circumstances and challenges remain unchanged. Never ending. What ever I do, they just seem to repeat. Slowly it’s starts to eat away at my inner self. Plays havoc with my emotions. My inner belief ebbs away. That’s when it feels like I need another caring hand to lead me into a new tomorrow. So yes I get this movie.
Hopefully I’m not as bad as Phil was at the start of the film – sorry movie. But again it is starting to feel like days are starting to repeat themselves. Even when I try to introduce something new, try just that little harder, then the next day starts very like the previous day. Stuff just keeps repeating itself.
A largely sleepless night,
Get up and do the same exercises in the garden,
Try to get the dog to go outside for his charge around and do his morning constitutional,
Check the news – these days it’s always the same headline and the same frustrations,
Sticking to the same fasting diet regime,
Cooking the same meals for Hawklad (he has the same 7 day food menu which he sticks to),
Sort out the mess the pets have made,
Hoover and clean the same rooms (we only have 5 small ones, a bathroom and a kitchen to worry about),
Try to get the old washing machine door to lock so I can do a wash,
Have the same thoughts about been able to run free beyond our garden fence enclosures, *** don’t get me wrong I am so thankful for the garden, so many wonderful people don’t have that***
Look at the same walls, with the same pictures, often feeling like they are closing in on me,
Spend far too long moaning about the weather,
Check the work system and email the same people, saying basically the same thing,
Wash up the same plates and cups,
Make a list of today’s challenges and they are the same as yesterday’s, the week before, last months…..
Jump on the scales and whisper PANTS,
Want to eat healthily but having to rely on Soya (Soy). Then watching my body just basically say NO,
Try to find my keys which are missing again,
Walk 40 yards to the post box to post a letter – my big trip out of the day,
Start the car up to make sure the battery doesn’t go flat,
The things that brought pain and doubt yesterday are still here today,
Check the bank account and whisper BIG PANTS,
Talk to Hawklad about hand washing every time he goes to the bathroom – which is about every 10 minutes,
Wash my hands constantly to help ease Hawklad’s fears,
Unblock the toilet and kitchen sink once a day, the builder who installed those was clearly having a laugh –
Reset the WiFi at about the same time every day as it’s gone down with cabin fever,
Try to get the cat to eat it’s gluten, grain, dairy free food when clearly it just wants to eat all the stuff that gives it diarrhoea,
Bake and Fail – that’s a great book title…..
Field the same calls, from the same companies offering the same services I don’t want,
If and when it rains, try to stop a flood next to the back door. Basically ends up mopping out the pools of water,
Paying bills,
Trying to chase moths and insects out of the house – the price you pay for living next to a farm,
Fight the same fears and demons,
Face the same self questioning,
Once a week cut the lawn with a lawnmower which basically hates cutting grass,
Every second Thursday realise the garden bin is still basically empty so have a mad gardening rush,
My dreams are still just dreams, seemingly no nearer becoming reality,
Go to bed so hoping for sleep, yet…..
Now don’t get me wrong some of the routine is just so fantastic. I just wouldn’t dream of changing those things. Going out in the garden at about the same time every day and talking with Hawklad. Spending time with him. Thinking of friends. Finding ways to make connections with those who are special to me. Looking at beautiful photos and videos – and smiling. Having fun playing games. Doing a bit of writing or waffling depending on your viewpoint. Saturday night movie night.
So yes it does feel like Groundhog Day. This time it may well keep feeling this way until our personal lockdown has been partially lifted. Maybe this time it’s could be labelled as Cabin Fever. Whatever it is, just like Phil in the movie, it often feels like I am the only one stuck in this repeat cycle. AND let’s not forget a really important factor – some people long for that repetitiveness. Hawklad is one. So maybe Groundhog Day can also be a good thing. Just got to go with the flow, make each day count as best I can and worry about tomorrow if it ever arrives.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 