The last present I gave to my partner was a Yorkshire Rose. In the turmoil of that fateful year, I cannot recall if she managed to see it flower before she left us. Well for the second year I’ve successfully not managed to kill it – very unusual for my not so green fingers. The difference this year is that the rose flowered on my partners birthday. Strange how one small flower can bring light on such a bleak day.
The last garden Daffodil of the season has decided to bloom about a month after all the others started dying off.
And a dog trying to sneak into the picture
Somethings you just can’t control. Can’t control when the flowers bloom and you certainly can’t control pets..
The last couple of years has shown that I have little control over my moods. Even less control over that part of my brain which determines the memories or thoughts which will be flashed in front of my eyes. No control but definitely a pattern exists.
When I’m in a positive mood I often drift back to memories from the past, the places and times I spent with my partner. I feel so blessed that I was given the chance to experience these precious, happy times.
However when I slip into darker moods, the same process doesn’t seem to work. Rather than looking back at happy memories, my mind constantly tries to force me into the future. Trying to show me the many places or events I won’t get to share with my partner. I find this so crushing.
Today images of New Zealand and Canada, those long planned trips which we can never share. Last week it was images of not being able to grow old together.
Hopefully tomorrow it’s a return to happy memories.
Spring has finally arrived here.
A few weeks ago I overheard someone say “I think we are all ready for some sun now, it will cheer everybody up”.
Well the warm sun has arrived and yet I don’t feel particularly cheered up. I have been stuck in a ‘down spell’ for weeks now. Not the complete desolation I suffered after my partner died, just feeling low all the time, not sleeping well, often feeling sad, struggling to smile. The stuff which helped lift my spirits previously just don’t seem to be working currently.
Deep down I realise this particular down spell will eventually pass. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a weeks time, maybe it will take ….
The strange thing is that a few days ago, a friend told me that I seemed happy and over my grieving. How could he be so wrong. Well the simple answer is that I’m not happier, certainly not ‘over’ my grief. However I have obviously become much better at hiding my feelings, hiding the real me, pretending not to be depressed.
Tomorrow March arrives yet winter continues here. It’s bleak and very cold.
The weather is matching my mood. Today the world seems a cold, bleak and lonely place. Luckily my son will return from school soon and he will lift my spirits. Even the bleak landscape will start to be transformed. Its amazing what a snowman can do.
The world continues around me at a frantic pace but for me time has slowed down since my beloved partner died last year.
Fourteen months ago I gave my partner a miniature rose as a present. At that stage I had no idea that she would be gone in a matter of weeks. Now the Rose has decided to flower after months of looking rather sad and bedraggled. I’m not sure if it’s a sign that life goes on, a reminder of the cycles of life, or just that I got round to feeding it a few weeks ago.
Two things I do know for certain:
1) It reminds me that although I feel time has slowed down, almost a year has now past since the world changed,
2) How much I still love her and that makes me smile.
I would share the School drop off with my partner. It was something I never really thought much about, just a task you try to complete as quick as possible. Just try to make sure your son arrives on time, hasn’t forgotten anything and looks reasonably tidy. When it was my responsibility things tended not to be that well organised and my poor son was often last to arrive just seconds before the start of school.
The School pick up was always more sort after as you could then spend time with your kid.
I never gave any thought to social aspect of the school transport process.
That was before the world changed.
Now fast forward 10 months and I find myself in the long summer school break. Suddenly I now appreciate how important the School drop and pickup has become. Without the twice daily interactions with other parents the world has become a very isolating place. Don’t get me wrong, spending days talking Pokémon and wrestling is rewarding, it’s time spent with the most important person in the world to me.
But sometimes you yearn for contact with the outside world. Even if it’s just a five minute moan about the great British summer. That’s where the School run comes in. Since my partner died it has become my only consistent contact with the outside world. Something I truly appreciate and look forward to. Maybe that’s the reason my son is now often the first to arrive in the playground on a morning. It buys me a couple more minutes in the real world.
I have always been a very social type of person, enjoying company, enjoying conversations. That was before the world changed.
Now I spend significant amounts of time on my own. It’s been one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make as a single parent. The opportunities to go out into our mad old world just don’t seem to exist now. It’s coming up to 11 months since my partner died, and in that time I have had two nights out. One was for a meal with a family from school and the other was a trip with my son to watch the wrestling. Living in a small village you just don’t see anyone after you return from school.
During the day the splendid isolation continues. You do the school run in the morning then it’s a combination of housework, shopping and trying to do part time work from home. Then it’s back to school on the pick up run. The only regular interaction you get is with other parents at the school gates and the poor postman (I’m sure he could do without this every day). Today I timed things and I had a 1 minute chat with the poor postie and 7 minutes with other parents. That’s on top of the 2 minutes I spent on the phone trying to tell a random caller that I didn’t want a new kitchen or windows. That’s why I treasure the time I get to spend with my son (even when it’s spent talking all things Pokémon). I am genuinely thankful to have the chance to spend time with my son.
I always kind of recognised how tough it was for single parents, I just didn’t appreciate the isolation which could go with the role. If I had known about the isolation straight after my partners death I think that it might have sent me over the edge. Thankfully I’ve been able to adjust to it over the months. Now everything revolves around my son and nothing else really matters. Living your life through your children. I listened to someone on the radio who had also lost their partner and they also talked about living their life through the child. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only person surviving splendid isolation in this way.
We sat and watched the moon slowly rise above the Alps on a hot summers evening. We had no idea that the world was about to change forever. It would prove to be our last ever night on holiday together. But in blissful ignorance we had a perfect evening. Thank you Switzerland.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 