Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 31 Comments

Misty Moors

Another much needed break in the weather, so we headed for a late evening Moors walk. We had the place to ourselves and wow did we enjoy it.

I’ve been venturing here for decades and wonderfully, it never seems to change. Along the path there is a creaky old gate which is a nightmare to open but also which is just low enough to step over. For years I would simply jump it but recently I started taking a short detour and opting for a gap in the fence.

After all these years I still can’t figure out how to open that gate….

And WHY did I stop jumping over the gate…..

I can still easily clear the height but for some reason I stopped. I kinda assumed it was simply about the fear of PAIN. For years I played contact sport, the bumps, the hitting the ground didn’t seem to matter. But at some stage it started to really hurt and I suddenly really knew it. I became way more careful and cautious playing sport. So if I mess up that gate jump, it’s a very hard ground, it will hurt…

But now I’m wondering….

Is it the fear of PAIN or is it the fear of BEING WATCHED MESSING UP. What happens if someone sees me fall, make a fool of myself. The EMBARRASSMENT. I’ve started to notice that I will turn opportunities down simply because I might be noticed messing up in public.

A few months back I was out trail running on a popular path and I jumped a fence, or tried to. I slipped and basically crashed into the fence, landing like a bag of spuds on the other side. A few bruises but no pain… But I was seen falling by several walkers. I bet they laughed. Is that the reason that I’ve stopped jumping that Moors Gate. It’s crazy it wouldn’t normally have bothered me, in fact I would have loved the idea of people getting a giggle, so where did this social embarrassment come from.

Well this time I jumped the Gate but guess who looked around first to check that no passing walkers were looking.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 31 Comments

Bonfire Night

Blue Sky Yorkshire, if only this was the norm. Bonfire Night was certainly way more cloudy, way more drizzly. A few very damp fireworks, definitely way less than previous years. The only disruptive noise coming from next door’s mad Dog barking incessantly at the local Owl. The Owl sits on a tree overlooking the garden, and turns it back to the Dog. The Dog must get really frustrated at being ignored.

Hawklad loves F1, he has a real fascination for the motorsport. At the weekend we went to a talk by a former Team Principal and real character, Austrian Guenther Steiner. Hawklad loved it, especially as we got seats that were not next to anyone else, that really helps. If he feels hemmed in then it becomes way too stressful for him. If he feels stressed then he usually has to quickly leave. He has survived a number of rock concerts largely because of the combination of the noise, the darkness and people focused on the stage. This all adds to a feeling of anonymity, that’s the key. Plus he can move around to find less busy areas. He just doesn’t want to feel like he is seen.

This was all brought into stark focus after the talk had finished. Hawklad put his head down, hoody over his head. Out of the Arena, through the streets for 40 minutes, he never looked up once. Only when he got back into the safety of the car, did he raise his eyes and relax. The social side to life is so difficult for him.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 37 Comments

Election Night

If only elections were like Saturday Afternoon Football. Turn on the TV at 4.50 and you get the results. Election Night just drags on and on and on. I managed 5 minutes of the CNN coverage, that was more than enough for me. Why not just show great themed movies like Mr Smith Goes to Washington, do a 5 minute election summary and then move on to the next movie.

Even better idea, if you can trust a rodent with the arrival of Spring, let the Groundhog choose The President. Way cheaper, way quicker and way less opportunity for election fraud. Now that’s an Election Special Night I would watch.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 38 Comments

Joy

Switzerland.

Lake Brienz.

Still wishing I could be there right now.

Today, walking along a leaf covered path. We had to wait to pass a Father out walking with his young Son. The Toddler was kicking leafs about with his Thomas The Tank Engine Welly Boots. At the same time he was using a stick to try and sweep the path clean. Humming a tune to himself. That’s pure joy, pure happiness.

As we eventually made our way past the happy little road sweeper, my mind wandered to holidays in Switzerland. Toddler Hawklad, taking his bag of bread from the Hotel Kitchen to feed his new friend, Mr Swan. Every morning, same ritual. You could see the pure joy and happiness on our Son’s face.

As adults do we way too quickly stop searching for those moments that produce pure joy and happiness. Yes we have to work, we have responsibilities, anxieties, pain, fears and stress but in our free time, when we get the chance, how often do we find the time to be truly happy. Just how often do we settle for way less, just the mundane, maybe overcomplicating life, doing things that aren’t lifting us up, forgetting where we will find that pure joy.

I so hope you can find that joy and happiness, find what makes your world come alive.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 24 Comments

That’s a good one….

It’s amazing what you can find if you just keep your eyes open or notice where your dog is heading to cock his leg…..

Last night I went with Hawklad to a large Halloween Fair which is held every year just outside the local city. Music, dancing, rides and 5 huge, live action haunted house like mazes. Well over 100 actors, theme dressed, all with the purpose of jump scaring you. All great fun. Even when you try to be prepared, they do get you…. On two separate occasions a poor woman behind me screamed and she involuntarily grabbed on to the nearest thing to her, ME… Through the giggles both said sorry and one said that she won’t mention that to the husband. 😂😂😂.

Another maze section has a room where the floor is heavily tilted (with disorienting lighting), it makes it feel like gravity is heaving pulling you in completely the wrong direction. One young actress dressed as a vampire lost balance there and crashed into me, with the immortal line ‘you will have to marry me now’. Clearly I would be a big hit in Transylvania…. Clearly disorientating lighting works for me as well 😂😂😂😂

But to balance things out, that yin and yang thing. One actress dressed as a mad scientist, with a manic laugh took one look at me and said ‘wow that’s some amazing Halloween Makeup you’re wearing, it makes you look a couple of hundred years old… oh wait, your not wearing makeup’. Or one middle aged actor, dressed I think as a female Ogre bride, gingerly climbed over a barrier next to me to scare some people in our queue. As he got over he looked me in the eyes and said ‘ I’m getting too old for this, everything hurts, I feel like rigor mortis is setting in…. But wow you’re really ancient, I dread to think how much you will be hurting, try not to dance too much tonight …’. Now that’s a proper chat up line 😂😂😂😂😂

The main thing was that Hawklad enjoyed himself. Life can get a bit too serious at times, too stressful. It’s so good to see him laugh.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 25 Comments

Huts

Tropical Scarborough on a blisteringly hot Autumn Day.

Forget the ice cream, hot soup was the order of the day.

Not sure if it was just the weather but when I offered to buy one of the brightly coloured beach hutches, Hawklad firmly declined…. The huts cost between about £70,000 to £160,000. You can rent them as well, Peak times set you back something like £300 for a week. For that you get a few kitchen items, a sink, deckchairs, use of the shared public toilets and free pet seagulls.

Peak includes Christmas, Wow that would be a brave call. Not sure the paper party hats would stay on too long with the inevitable Winter North Sea skin shredding sand blasting wind and icy horizontal rain.

Walking along the beach we passed a few groups of teenagers clearly starting the Half Term Break with some beach fun. I couldn’t help think about how Hawklad might view these scenes. It’s a part of teenage life that has so far eluded him, spending far too much time with his ancient relic of a Dad. Not sure those teenagers would spend too much time discussing beach huts…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 66 Comments

Castle walk

Living in the UK has many negatives, things like the weather, road potholes, useless Water Companies, Nigel Farage, Fuel Prices, Morris Dancing, late running trains, Brexit, did I mention the WEATHER. But then again we have some beautiful landscapes and CASTLES. Lots of Castles.

So when the clouds parted we headed off to one such castle. Helmsley Castle, over 900 years of history. It’s a wonderful adventure.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 31 Comments

Not engaging the brain

Know those times when you don’t engage the brain before you open your mouth to talk. It usually ends badly or maybe you just end up being a US Presidential Candidate….

One of the worst ones I ever did was many years ago, in a Catholic Church in Newcastle, a friend was having his baby baptised. Badly times as there was a Newcastle game starting in 3 hours, yes a few black and white shirts hidden under respectful jackets. As the service progressed a church official came round and invited people up to take part in communion. I was first in line of our group, so the pressure was on me to set the precedent, to get the reply right. I didn’t engage the brain. I responded with a polite ‘better not I’m with the other side’, which I thought was fine as I’m an Anglican. As the chap moved on a friend behind me whispered in my ear ‘He will think your a devil worshipper now’. I just groaned…. Why didn’t I just do what my friends did and just say ‘no thank you’.

Anyways moving on…

Today I was trying to get a few things in our local supermarket when I walked pasted the skincare aisle. Some salespeople where trying to attract interest in some new moisturising thingy. They must have been desperate as one of the ladies pounced on me.

“Excuse me Sir, can I ask do you use moisturising products. We have a new product which might well interest you…..”

Really, I look like a Neanderthal these days…. time to make a quick exit.

I didn’t engage the brain…..

And my mouth opened…..

“I’ve got to that time in life where I find using Embalming is way more beneficial than skin care products “

The poor lady looked bemused and after a few seconds responded…

“I’m usually pretty up with things but I’ve not heard of the Embalming range, I must look it up“

I did the only decent thing in that case and basically just ran away as quick as possible.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 35 Comments

Walking with history

Somethings never fail to work. With Hawklad it’s HISTORY. So what better way to spend an unusually sunny day than to walk around a city with a shed load of history.

YORK

The Viking Capital of England, once for a brief time the political heart of the Roman Empire, Saxons, Normans, Middle Ages. History on History.

And wonderfully still no skyscrapers…..

If you get the chance, come and see it for yourself.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 41 Comments

Uneasy feeling

Bereavement brought in stark focus the thought ‘YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN’, NO one to bounce ideas off, to talk to, definitely SINGLE Parenting. It’s often a scary place to be, feeling like you are way out of your depth. Sink or swim without arm bands.

I’m getting that feeling again…..

All too quickly the Child Health and Autism Services that have worked with Hawklad since he was 5, that have provided support, therapy and help will be pulled when he hits 18. We’ve been warned that after that date, the support he can get will almost be nonexistent. If he does try to speak to a doctor, on the basis of at most, a 3 minute consultation, he may well just be prescribed Antidepressants, provided leaflets on Mindfulness and then sent on his way. Sink or swim without armbands again.

Definitely getting that uneasy feeling again.