Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 14 Comments

Uplifting rain

Yesterday was a strange day. Started very warm, dry and still. Finished very wet, cold and stormy.

It was also one of those moods swing days. It started really well with my son in great form. Then one Family movie later it had suddenly swung to tears and dark hearts. Movies which clearly advertise bereavement in the description can be planned for or better still avoided. It’s the ones which suddenly drop these on you without warning which cause the trouble. From a happy family on a trip of a lifetime to suddenly a young family trying to cope with the sudden death of the mum. I can’t remember seeing that bit in the synopsis. It really hit me, lord knows what it did to my young boy. It makes you feel like a completely incompetent parent … why didn’t we opt for the Scooby Doo movie.

But yesterday we had an unlikely saviour, the rain. After two months of completely dry weather the heavens opened. Stood outside in the rain, being almost blown off our feet in the wind. It just felt great. Seeing my son getting drenched to the skin and loving it. Today I just love the uplifting rain.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 4 Comments

One small rose

The last present I gave to my partner was a Yorkshire Rose. In the turmoil of that fateful year, I cannot recall if she managed to see it flower before she left us. Well for the second year I’ve successfully not managed to kill it – very unusual for my not so green fingers. The difference this year is that the rose flowered on my partners birthday. Strange how one small flower can bring light on such a bleak day.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 4 Comments

Backwards or forwards

The last garden Daffodil of the season has decided to bloom about a month after all the others started dying off.

And a dog trying to sneak into the picture

Somethings you just can’t control. Can’t control when the flowers bloom and you certainly can’t control pets..

The last couple of years has shown that I have little control over my moods. Even less control over that part of my brain which determines the memories or thoughts which will be flashed in front of my eyes. No control but definitely a pattern exists.

When I’m in a positive mood I often drift back to memories from the past, the places and times I spent with my partner. I feel so blessed that I was given the chance to experience these precious, happy times.

However when I slip into darker moods, the same process doesn’t seem to work. Rather than looking back at happy memories, my mind constantly tries to force me into the future. Trying to show me the many places or events I won’t get to share with my partner. I find this so crushing.

Today images of New Zealand and Canada, those long planned trips which we can never share. Last week it was images of not being able to grow old together.

Hopefully tomorrow it’s a return to happy memories.

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Winter is over..

Spring has finally arrived here.

A few weeks ago I overheard someone say “I think we are all ready for some sun now, it will cheer everybody up”.

Well the warm sun has arrived and yet I don’t feel particularly cheered up. I have been stuck in a ‘down spell’ for weeks now. Not the complete desolation I suffered after my partner died, just feeling low all the time, not sleeping well, often feeling sad, struggling to smile. The stuff which helped lift my spirits previously just don’t seem to be working currently.

Deep down I realise this particular down spell will eventually pass. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a weeks time, maybe it will take ….

The strange thing is that a few days ago, a friend told me that I seemed happy and over my grieving. How could he be so wrong. Well the simple answer is that I’m not happier, certainly not ‘over’ my grief. However I have obviously become much better at hiding my feelings, hiding the real me, pretending not to be depressed.

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The Rose

The world continues around me at a frantic pace but for me time has slowed down since my beloved partner died last year.

Fourteen months ago I gave my partner a miniature rose as a present.  At that stage I had no idea that she would be gone in a matter of weeks.  Now the Rose has decided to flower after months of looking rather sad and bedraggled.  I’m not sure if it’s a sign that life goes on, a reminder of the cycles of life, or just that I got round to feeding it a few weeks ago. 

Two things I do know for certain:

1) It reminds me that although I feel time has slowed down, almost a year has now past since the world changed,

2) How much I still love her and that makes me smile.

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Splendid isolation 

I have always been a very social type of person, enjoying company, enjoying conversations.  That was before the world changed.

Now I spend significant amounts of time on my own.  It’s been one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make as a single parent.  The opportunities to go out into our mad old world just don’t seem to exist now.  It’s coming up to 11 months since my partner died, and in that time I have had two nights out.  One was for a meal with a family from school and the other was a trip with my son to watch the wrestling.   Living in a small village you just don’t see anyone after you return from school.

During the day the splendid isolation continues.  You do the school run in the morning then it’s a combination of housework, shopping and trying to do part time work from home.  Then it’s back to school on the pick up run.  The only regular interaction you get is with other parents at the school gates and the poor postman (I’m sure he could do without this every day).   Today I timed things and I had a 1 minute chat with the poor postie and 7 minutes with other parents.  That’s on top of the 2 minutes I spent on the phone trying to tell a random caller that I didn’t want a new kitchen or windows.   That’s why I treasure the time I get to spend with my son (even when it’s spent talking all things Pokémon). I am genuinely thankful to have the chance to spend time with my son.

 I always kind of recognised how tough it was for single parents, I just didn’t appreciate the isolation which could go with the role.  If I had known about the isolation straight after my partners death I think that it might have sent me over the edge.  Thankfully I’ve been able to adjust to it over the months. Now everything revolves around my son and nothing else really matters.  Living your life through your children.  I listened to someone on the radio who had also lost their partner and they also talked about living their life through the child.  It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only person surviving splendid isolation in this way.

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One or two fonts of wisdom

One of the most perplexing aspects of the single parenting role I’ve found so far is the decision making process.  Over the weekend I’ve agonised over the following vexed problems:

  • Can my young son have a sleep over?
  • Do I get the puppy neutered?
  • Do I get the exploding tumble dryer fixed or replaced?
  • Can my young son watch Suicide Squad as all his friends have?
  • Is it time to buy new bedding?
  • Can my young son have a finger spinner as all his friends have them?
  • Has the oven gone past the point of common deciency and require cleaning?
  • Is it too soon after the world changed to go on holiday? Can we afford to go on holiday? Where to go on holiday? Should we take the puppy with us?
  • Can my son have the new IPad game as all his friends have it?
  • Can we survive the three remaining school weeks with two pairs of now under sized and very worn trousers?
  • Do I save my sons birthday cards or bin them?
  • Which Secondary School does my son go to next year?
  • Has my son got just got a cold or does he need to visit the doctor?
  • Can my son have a new lego figure to replace the one his dad may have accidentally hovered up?

And so it went on…

Before the world changed we would talk these questions through as a couple.  In most cases my partners insight and common sense would guide us to something like a decent answer.  Looking back it seemed so straightforward and rational.

Now it’s just me, its not straightforward and it’s certainly not rational.  I anguish over every decision, with often no guide to help me.  The biggest problem is that I try to second guess what my partner would have said and done.  I still try to come to a joint decision with my deceased partner.  Unfortunately I often would see the world differently to my partner.  I just can’t seem to second guess her great insights and wisdom.  I just can’t replicate her thought process.  As a result decision tend to get delayed, or constantly changed.  When decision are made they are often a compromise between my viewpoint and with my best guess of what my partners viewpoint would have been,  The decisions are often not very good in practice.   Something has to change.

So from now on I’m going to try and trust my own judgement more.  I’m going to try and learn from the mistakes I will make.  My hope is that my young son has inherited his mums insight and he will become my guiding light.  And yes my son did get a replacement lego figure.

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Happier Times

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about the last holiday I had with my lost love.   I wish that I could relive every single minute of our time in The Alps.  But memories sometimes fade and too often you don’t realise how precious life is.   You need to seize these happy times and truly immerse yourself in them. 

Old photos help fill in some of the gaps. 


Historically I was a prolific photo snapper, often being shouted at for taking too many pictures.  The pictures would then just sit in albums or memory cards, and just gather dust.  I would never find the time to enjoy them.

Since the world changed, my camera now tends to gather dust and the old photos are frequent sources of smiles and tears. A pathway back to happier times.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 5 Comments

Sympathy card 6 months later

Yesterday received a sympathy card 6 months after the death of my partner.

It was a really nice touch.  Sometimes you feel that people think that having survived the first few weeks of a bereavement then you are on the mend.  For me nothing could be further from the truth.

This 6 month late card seemed to recognise this.  They are still thinking of us, they realise that it’s still going to be bleak but they are still there if we need anything.  It basically lifted my spirits for the day.

When I need to I’m going to always remember to send a second, late bereavement card out.  Great idea