That’s what my old Dad would have called a proper apple. Misshapen, blotchy and seriously tart. But with a lot of sugar it will make a grand apple crumble (crisp).

Actually that could be me. Misshapen, blotchy and seriously tart. I do like sugar as well. Actually that was definitely my Dad. Round here a better way of saying that is – he was well weathered. Another phrase is – he definitely had a well lived in face and body. He left this world when I was at university. So our son never got to meet him. In fact he never got to meet his other granddad. Which is sad.

Hawklad has asked about where their ashes are scattered. Unfortunately the answer is rather unclear. With my dad we just don’t know. How bad does that sound. Mum decided against getting the ashes back. They were scattered by the crematorium but we can’t remember where. We are not even sure that they were scattered there. It was one question we never got round to asking mum.

With my partners dad it’s equally hazy. He was scattered on a Swiss mountain top. The people who took them there have left this world now. The only person with a clue is me. The person with a capacity to forget important stuff and remember the useless stuff. I call it – Selective Total Recall. My partner wanted part of her ashes scattered on that mountain as well. One day she briefly described the exact location. I didn’t write it down as why would I need that any time soon…… So I’m a little unsure of the mountain and even less sure of the location on that mountain. Apart from its by a bench with some stones to one side. The ashes are where those stones are. Hardly GPS accuracy. At the moment it’s not really an issue. Travelling to Europe at present is not very likely for our family. But one day it will be.

Today Hawklad mentioned the need to get on with the ashes when he is ok in the world again. The pressure just ramped up a bit. I’ve started studying the names of Swiss mountains. Narrowing the potential choices down. If only I had wrote the instructions down. Still there’s a different way to look at things.

Dad we might have messed up the scattering of the ashes in Britain by then. The secret is for us to do that before I get to the age of 18. Then I can officially blame you as the legally responsible parent and adult. No pressure on me then….”


The morning after another storm. Dark, cold and everywhere is completely sodden. But it’s not raining and the wind has dropped a little. It’s the best it’s been for a few days so we make the most of it. Football in the garden. Increasingly mud footy. Quickly running out of grass to play on. Urgently need a magic gardener to weave some spells on our lawn.

My Dad would have sorted it out. Thinking back to all the footy, rugby and cricket played in our garden. Coming back inside completely caked in mud. Yet the lawn was kept immaculate. Dads approach was that lawns were designed to be played on but they still should look immaculate. So once we were finished he would be outside working his magic. I guess in magical gardening terms he would be Dumbledore whereas I would be much more Voldemort.

While on the subject of wizards and spells I could do with a few more areas covered.

  • A magic spell to transform my distinctly dodgy cooking into taste bud ecstasy,
  • A car wizard to transform my expensive bag of metal and rust into a high performance Batmobile,
  • A Mary Poppins character to transform the running of our household,
  • An animal wizard to sort out the pets,
  • A sleep wizard to sort my permanent zombie state,
  • An Alchemist to help fill our pockets with gold rather by transforming all the dog poo sacks currently crammed in there.

Unfortunately wizards are a bit rare on the ground in Yorkshire. So I guess it’s still up to a rather gormless muggle to try and sort these things out. I remember watching a Harry Potter movie and commenting about how I would be the Ron Weasley character. Son gave me one of those Paddington Bear looks and dryly said.

“Don’t kid yourself Dad. You wouldn’t even be able to find your wand.”

Yes that was so true. I do tend to forget where I put things. I’d be that Jedi Knight running around the battlefield asking everyone – have you seen my lightsaber. It’s not getting any better. Last week I bought some lawn seed and now I can’t find it. We only live in a small bungalow. Where do these things go. It’s as if they just disappear. Hang on a minute. I can make things disappear. I must be a wizard. Just need to find my wand now….