Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

Frazzled

Frazzled that’s a good word. When I was younger I used it to describe the dreaded over heating meltdown the early laptops would often descend into. These days my laptop is that old and slow that it can’t even get warm – except for when the fat boy cat decides to sleep on it.

But now I have adopted Frazzled as my most common state of mind…..that’s even before school holidays start.

School holidays are fantastic as I get to spend even more quality time with our son. Yes I would prefer to sit with a cup of coffee in the happy knowledge that he is having wonderful adventures with friends. But this is a great backup option.

But one downside of school holidays is an outbreak of acute Frazzlement.

I start from a point of parenting fatigue. Then from breakfast until bed time I engage continually with a mind that operates on a completely different level to mine. One that runs at a speed way beyond the capacity of my really outdated brain. So many questions, so many different facts, so many different logic constructs. No outside world to help reset the brain. Rapidly my brain overheats and becomes frazzled. Son calls it Zombie Parenting. I’m there but the brain has shutdown. The simplest tasks become impossible. By the end of the day I am spent. Then you wake up even more tired and the cycle continues.

A blogger far cleverer than me talked about the desirability of having a backspace button options in life. I so so want a brain reset button. That would be fantastic. The chance to press reset then sit 5 minutes while the brain clears out the crap and reloads itself again. I would then be good to go again. Rather than wandering around for hours with an overheating and completely useless brain. System error messages pinging around the head. That’s my excuse for the poor level of my parenting currently. Today’s highlight has to be peeling a banana then handing our son the banana skin. Yes the actual banana had been binned. Not far behind that was trying to unload the bag from the Hoover … while the Hoover was still switched on… had to clean the ceiling.

Bring on Frazzled Friday.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 97 Comments

Multitasking

Some can multitask some cannot. I am certainly in the latter camp. A few examples from yesterday to evidence the point

  • Attempt to make breakfast and prepare a pack up for lunch. Ended up pouring fruit juice on the cornflakes and using cold water in the coffee,
  • Driving to Doncaster and son asked my opinion on King James II. Two minutes later I had demonstrated a complete lack of historical expertise AND I also realised that I had missed our motorway junction,
  • I tried to pay the zoo entrance fee while holding a bottle of water and a cup of coffee. Although I did manage to purchase two tickets I also managed to drop the water and spill the coffee down my leg,
  • Trying at the same time to make soup, grill some vegetables and cut some carrots. Unbelievably I managed to not turn the cooker on the stove so the soup didn’t heat up, burn the vegetables and almost slice my finger off,
  • Tried to send a relative a birthday card while trying to make a telephone complaint to our broadband supplier. After posting the envelope I discovered the card still sat on the desk.

So I can’t multitask however our son…..

During the evening I found him sat with both iPads on his lap, while at the same time the TV was on. When I asked why the response was

“Somedays just don’t have enough hours to do all the stuff. Had three things I still really needed to do so I am watching a video about William Shakespeare on your iPad and a video about caring for gerbils on my iPad. Plus I am listening to a documentary about the Dinosaur mass extinction on the TV.”

Clearly from our later discussions he managed to absorb an unbelievable amount of detail from all three information streams. I could only dream of that.

Having said that if someone is so good at that how difficult can it be to put his dirty clothes in the washing basket…….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 66 Comments

Changes

We had a lovely trip to Doncaster Wildlife Park today. It was a relatively brief visit. He was a bit uncomfortable with the crowds, but as we got there early so we had an hour of relative quiet before the masses started to arrive. The animals all outside – basking in the warm sun…Yes warm sun and Yorkshire.

On the way back home he was getting increasingly agitated at the amount of building work appearing in the countryside. I have to say it is staggering and so frustrating. The amount of derelict and unused land in built up areas and we still decide to encroach on what is left of our unspoilt areas. Can we please leave just a bit of our beautiful planet for future generations.

A few miles later I asked our son what things he would change in the world today. Reading my mind he initially said

The last 4 Star Wars Movies

And

Buying that Alvin and The Chipmunks DVD

And

Giving the pup that really annoying squeaking Toy Crocodile

And

Buying those Lycra Cycle shorts (I added that one, what was I thinking of)

But eventually he answered for himself and the changes he proposed were revealing.

  • Tackling Climate Change
  • Not one more tree felled
  • U.K. NOT leaving Europe
  • Finding a way to end Terrorism
  • Replacing President Trump and Prime Minister May.

I really can’t argue with theses changes.

What would you change?

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 52 Comments

Cragfast

Somedays you wake and the world is full of hope. Yes it’s a challenge but you stride purposely towards the light.

Whether it’s the alignment of the stars, or the moon, or the lack of sleep or the weather or the cards are stacked against you or the demons have woken ….. but for whatever reason somedays the world appears different. You are alone and operating without a safety net. It’s is dark, cold and scary. Often I liken the feeling to a Tolkien like scene. You are stood on the ramparts of Helms Deep. It is cold and the rain pours. You are besieged by an evil army of Orcs. But this time you are stood alone and Gandalf isn’t riding over the hill top to save you that day. You feel like hope has deserted you. A battle you didn’t ask for and one you cannot win this day.

In climbing the dreaded word is cragfast. Basically you are stuck. You can’t go up, down or sideways. Less polite terms also exist for this ……

My mind drifts to The Eiger. Back to 1936. Four young climbers attempt to be the first to scale the infamous North Face.

Andreas Hinterstoisser, Edi Ranier, Willy Angerer and Toni Kurz.

On the ill fated ascent Hinterstoisser opened up the mountain with an astonishing traverse now named after him. Tragically they decided to remove the ropes they had fixed in that section. A huge storm set in so they tried to retreat. They discovered that the Hinterstoisser traverse could only be completed in reverse with the aid of fixed ropes. They were suddenly out of options. A suicidal decent was attempted. Over the next few hours three climbers died. Rescuers got close to the remaining climber Toni Kurz. But they did not have enough rope to reach him so they had to retreat leaving the young climber stranded. They left to the echos of a climber pleading not to be left alone. The next morning a second rescue attempt was launched but they found the young climber close to death. He quietly said “Ich Kann nicht mehr” – I cannot go on. He died feet from rescue.

The German 2008 movie of this tragedy “North Face” is one of the bleakest movies you will ever see. I have stood at the bottom of the North Face. Your mind can’t help thinking of those brave young climbers. Too many climbers have been lost here. It’s a truly cathartic experience.

What is the point of this post. I am not sure. Maybe it’s just about saying that life can be bleak and dark. You will come across times when you become stuck – cragfast. You find times when you are on the ramparts alone. You hope that when that happens people will come to save you. But rescues sometimes fail – even heroes stumble. These are the times you have to stand alone. Those are grim times. Times we must endure. You hope to just make it through the night. The morning may bring new light or a hero. Or you may have to struggle on for another day alone. It’s a sobering thought.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 34 Comments

Epic contrast

Thinking of spring reminded me of visiting Switzerland at Easter. Came across this photo. It’s amazing how the wild flowers have started blooming, the green has fully returned and yet you still got plenty of snow in the background.

The day before that we took the early train to Gringelwald. Found ourselves stood in 3 feet of snow and battling a blizzard. Then a few hours later eating ice cream and playing crazy golf, toping up the tan.

A contrast of epic proportions.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 75 Comments

A letter dilemma

Out of the blue I received a letter addressed to my partner. It was a friend who clearly hasn’t heard the sad news yet. Reading the letter was heartbreaking as this lady had tragically lost her husband. She was clearly in a bad place.

This leaves a dilemma. Do I tell her or not?

I know the right thing is honesty and I should inform her. And yet…. does someone who is in such a bad place really need another piece of bad news. I told our son when he noticed that I was distracted. Interestingly he said that I shouldn’t make her even more sad. I had assumed his Aspergers Truth Filter would have made him say – just tell her straightaway. It rather puts a lie to the frequently heard argument from experts that people on the spectrum are cold and uncaring.

Even after a few hours I can’t make my mind up.

It doesn’t help that I remember when my partner found out about a friends death. She had met this wonderful lady from Channel Islands on a trip to China. They became good friends. I remember she came to stay with us for a few days. We hadn’t heard from her for a few months. Unfortunately a birthday card my partner has sent her was returned unopened and marked ‘person has died’. It had such a profound effect on my partner, I’m not sure she ever fully healed from it.

The circumstances are different but do I want to put someone through this now. I really don’t know. I just don’t know….. What I do know is that I can feel those icy fingers of sadness starting to circle my soul again.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 67 Comments

Is spring coming

Four small delicate reminders that spring is coming

***************

Another sign that spring is coming – the annual water bill arrives

Another sign that spring is coming – the annual council tax bill arrives

Another sign that spring is coming – the house insurance needs to be paid

Another sign that spring is coming – the car insurance needs to be paid

Another sign that spring is coming – the car tax needs paying

Another sign that spring is coming – my accounting subscription is due

Another sign that spring is coming – the telephone, broadband, train and electricity companies have raised prices

Another sign that spring is coming – the boiler service is due

Another sign that spring is coming – new sports kit is required for school

Another sign that spring is coming – the weeds have started growing

Another sign that spring is coming – the trampoline is almost hidden by grass

Another sign that spring is coming – the lawn mower has died over winter

Another sign that spring is coming – Son has had another growing spurt and needs new clothes

Another sign that spring is coming – the birds have started pooping on the car again

Yes I think we can officially confirm spring is coming…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 88 Comments

12 uncomfortable things

Our son realises that he doesn’t naturally fit into this world. Certainly not in its current format. His attitude is basically

I might wait for the world to come round to my way of thinking but just in case I had better dip my toe in the icy cold water which is the big bad world. It’s something I’m not going to enjoy but it’s probably worth it….

As part of this process we have agreed to visit 12 new places this year. Doesn’t sound a big commitment but in-fact it’s huge for our son. We will have our first new excursion next week….

Tonight we started discussing potential places to visit but somehow the conversation careered off topic. It suddenly became name 12 things you like about you and your life.

I went first and it was a really uncomfortable experience. I do find it difficult to think constructively about myself these days. So much easier thinking about negatives. Anyway for someone who basically hates himself I kinda did ok

  1. Son
  2. Memory of my partner
  3. Family
  4. Pets
  5. Friends
  6. My eyelashes
  7. I am pretty fit
  8. I occasionally can be mildly funny
  9. Musical taste
  10. Decent imagination
  11. I’m kinda resilient
  12. I’m still here

Son went next with his 12 things he likes about his life

  1. Family
  2. Jimmy – Dog
  3. Bluey – Cat
  4. The gerbils I am going to get for my birthday (mad scramble – news to his dad)
  5. My dreams (don’t care if people think it’s not right for me to have dreams, I still dream)
  6. My house
  7. I’m funny (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I’m funny)
  8. I’m cool (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I’m cool)
  9. I’m clever (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I’m clever)
  10. I’m tall
  11. My memory (don’t care if lots of people think otherwise I still think I have a good memory)
  12. My ambition to be a scientist or a zookeeper or a wrestler or a goalkeeper or a falconer or a historian (don’t care if people think I can’t do these things …)

I think this reveals that he is quite comfortable with himself. The problem is that he doesn’t have that much faith in the outside world. I could go on but GERBILS are a pressing concern……

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 93 Comments

Searching in the dark

Just after my partner died I remember reading a book which suggested that grief was like a black hole. All consuming yet over time it’s energy shrinks and eventually it disappears allowing new life to replace it. I’m still waiting….

Everybody is different. Everybody deals with grief differently. This approach worked for the author but not for me.

Maybe another way to look at it could be that life exists outside the black hole. The black hole is always there. Somedays it’s powerful and sucks so much life force out of your universe. Other days not so strong. But the key thing is that although it never disappears a new life exists outside it – it’s your choice, your journey that determines how far you move from it. – that’s a bit of my inner Carl Sagan coming out in me.

My current take is a little different. It’s a dark place with doors – maybe it’s inside the black hole. My thinking is that when Bereavement occurs doors begin to shut (many permanently) on my old world. My old world will always be there I just can’t go back to it. It’s up to me to decide if I want to continue to stand next to these closed doors. As well as doors I will also discover windows into my old world. Those windows are too small for me to re-enter my old world but they do allow memories to enrich my soul. In the darkness other doors are created. They lead to new worlds, new experiences. On my grief journey I will come across these new doors. It’s my choice whether I decide to open the new door opportunities or not. Maybe I will make a few drinks, pull up a chair and take my time.

I carry my family’s trait of not having any sense of direction. What could possibly go wrong with me stumbling about in the dark trying to find some random doors…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 58 Comments

Which mountain?

It’s just over 2 years since we lost her. It doesn’t feel like 2 years. It still just seems like last month..

This photograph was taken on our last family holiday. It’s the view from the hotel. The view brings back so many happy memories. But it’s a sobering thought that the next time I see this view for real it will be on a trip to scatter her ashes. That wasn’t in the script…..

I feel a bit like Dr Strange in the last Avengers movie. Scanning all the possible life outcomes and probably only seeing one which involved ashes within such a short time span. Unfortunately that one came to fruition.

On that last holiday we spoke briefly about if something happened where she wanted to be laid to rest. I never paid too much attention to it. Surely that life option isn’t going to happen for many years – I would make a really crap Dr Strange. But now we have a bit of a problem. Can I remember the preferred sites. Two in the UK are reasonably simple and straightforward. The two in Switzerland ……

One is easy as it’s an instantly recognisable location, we have been to it several times before. The other location is a tad more problematic. She wanted to be scattered at the same location as her beloved Dad. It’s at the top of a mountain I have never been to. Assuming I have remembered the right mountain, Switzerland are not short of one or two. Then I can vaguely remember the instructions. Get the cable car to the top. Start the path down and it’s next to a bench near a small pile of stones. Unfortunately looking at the internet the mountain has at least 8 paths and I’ve counted at least 20 benches. As our son helpfully points out – you will know if you have picked the wrong mountain or wrong bench when that bolt of lightning strikes. No pressure then….

Two years ago this genuinely caused me huge anxiety and anguish. Now I can see the funny side. That’s progress.

Important note. Trying to arrange taking ashes abroad from the U.K. is a nightmare especially if you are planning to fly. You need to arrange a specific flight time with the airline. Then get the undertaker to securely package the ashes and complete the required cover note which has to include the flight details. The airlines I spoke to made the process so difficult. Also straight after the cremation the last thing you want to sort out is air flights. Fortunately the Eurostar train option is so much friendly. They told us to get the ashes securely packaged. Then book as normal when you are ready – just pre warn security when they check your bags. It’s another train journey for my partner then – she loved trains.