Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 67 Comments

Rainbows

Who doesn’t love a rainbow. My partner adored them. They remind me of happy memories. But they also show me that life goes on. A rainbow doesn’t last for long. But if you are patient, then another will eventually appear.

Life goes on. After you lose someone special, you do forget this. There is always rebirth. That took me a long time to figure that out. For months death marked the end. That’s the frustration. If it’s the end, why is the world still spinning.

Maybe a better way to look at it for me is that death actually marks a boundary. A demarcation between two life’s. That way life does seem to go on. That’s how the world keeps spinning. That makes more sense to me.

So now I look back and see my partners death slightly differently. Her death marks a boundary. The ending of our life together. As the boundary is crossed, no more joint memories can be created. She has left this world. But here’s the key. She left the world a better place than she found it. She did her bit to enrich the people she encountered. That’s a sign of a life well lived. Surely that’s what we all should be hoping to achieve. When she left. She left her little part of this world, a better place. Filled with many memories. Some memories make you smile. Some bring a tear. But these are all memories to be treasured.

So my partners death did mark a boundary. I crossed that boundary. I brought those memories with me. On the other side of the boundary my life changed. Full time parent, tidying up the outstanding issues from the last life, treasuring the precious memories and starting to live again. Striving to leave this world a little better than I found it. Just like a beautiful rainbow.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 65 Comments

Sometimes

“Sometimes only one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated” – Alphonse de Lamartine

Maybe it’s your partner. Maybe it’s your child. Maybe it’s a parent. Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s a pet.

It does seem that way some days. Maybe it’s on a walk. MAYBE ITS STANDING BY A LONELY POND. Maybe it’s listening to a particular song. Maybe it’s during a movie. Maybe it’s when your in bed. Maybe it’s when your at the school gates surrounded by couples. Maybe it’s when your shopping. Maybe it’s just when you return to a home with no lights on.

But with bereavement it will happen. One gone make the world seems empty. So what do you do about it? Sadly no one right answer to that. Every person is different. Every grief journey is different. With me those lonely times still hit and still hurt. I try many things.

Sometimes I just let it hit me. Confused and helpless.

Sometimes I try to distract myself. Just hope I eventually forget that feeling.

Sometimes I just let it hit me but it’s kinda reassuring. Not ever loving would be so dreadful. Grief is another word for love.

Sometimes writing helps.

Sometimes reading blogs helps.

Sometimes I need to find solitude. Sometimes I need to be in a crowd.

Sometimes it’s reading an old favourite book.

Sometimes it’s looking at old photos.

Sometimes it’s playing a game.

Sometimes I go for a run.

Often it’s trying just that bit harder to be that better parent. Trying to make life just that bit more fun.

Then you get sometimes when the best thing is to carry on but just to do it louder. Much LOUDER. So this morning I am ironing but let’s just crank up that Iron Maiden cd just a little louder.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 84 Comments

Ducks

It’s been several years since we fed the ducks. It’s back to a time before our world changed. A family of 3. Every Sunday we would go to the lake armed with food left overs from the week. Often our son would be surrounded by hundreds of ducks and swans. He would carefully try to ensure all those impatiently waiting received a share of the food parcel. Then we would go to the local cafe for a freshly baked cheese scone. So many great moments sadly stopped one August three years ago.

Maybe this weekend will be a good time to rectify our absence. It wasn’t the birds fault that the bad stuff happened. Maybe we can rekindle some of those feelings. Maybe we will create new feelings. We won’t know until we try. I suspect the ducks won’t mind us trying.

So I’ve started filling a large bucket with out of date oats, some cheap tinned sweet corn, seed and of course a little bit of bread. Even ducks need a balanced diet.

While trying to find the old duck feed bucket I came across a couple of old concert T-shirt’s and ticket stubs. Days of hair, tight trousers and Thunderbird Cider. Looking at the names on the shirts it was very sobering. Many of those I went to see are sadly not with us anymore. So while I worked this afternoon I listened to a music from these fallen heroes. I tried to recall seeing that person on stage – in their prime. How they should be remembered. The roll call included

Cozy Powell

Richard Wright

Lemmy

Rory Gallagher

Ronnie James Dio

John Lord

Gary Moore

Lou Reed

Kirsty MacColl

David Bowie

The more I think about it the more heroes I can add to the list. That’s really sobering. As you get older more and more of your heroes depart. But they have left so many lasting memories for us to enjoy. They left a positive mark on this world. That’s a life well lived. I will leave the last words to Lemmy.

“Death is an inevitability, isn’t it? You become more aware of that when you get to my age. I don’t worry about it. I’m ready for it. When I go, I want to go doing what I do best. If I died tomorrow, I couldn’t complain. It’s been good“

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 57 Comments

Hill

I don’t know what it is but I love looking at this one field. It just works for me. It also puzzles me – what is on the other side. I have no idea. One day I will check. Is that the best approach?

During the process of getting a diagnosis for our son he had to undertake a number of tests. He would only do them if I did them as well. So by de facto I was assessed as well.

Dad you do know Aspergers can run in the family. Mum’s side probably has. Your side is not so clear except for one person. You.

When I look back at my childhood I was more relaxed when I was on my own. I would often be found apart from the others in my class. I struggled to get my head round bondage language and emotions. Hated physical contact, hated being crammed so close to others. I made friends as I was good at hiding my anxieties. But I never could quite see the world like my friends did. Often seen as the odd but funny one. I was often quiet. I tried to hide a bad stammer which appeared when I felt uncomfortable. My school reports said ‘very shy’ – no I didn’t want people to hear my faulty speech. Initially slow at reading and with appalling spelling. Accident prone and uncoordinated – yet found ways to be good at sport.

All those probably still apply today. Apart from the physical contact phobia – do love a good hug.

So the tests what did they reveal. I remember a therapist telling me

It’s wonderful how you have failed some tests to reassure your son…

Don’t want to disappoint you but I didn’t have to try to fail the tests. It came all too easily for me. Not all the tests but many I did struggle with. I mentioned this to our son’s Clinician. When I told her which tests and how I struggled her take was that it would probably have been enough to trigger a diagnosis. She asked if I wanted to go onto the waiting list for Aspergers Assessment.

But that’s as far as it went. No interest in finding out one way or the other. Waste of valuable NHS resources. Not going to he,p me now. As son would say it’s just who I am. But maybe this is the reason that I have been able to get my head round Aspergers. Partner spotted the Aspergers with our son first but admitted I got my head round it instantly. She struggled. If it allows me to better understand the issues our son faces. That’s good enough for me.

We’ve talked about what’s over the hill. Son think it’s a panoramic view of the Vale. I thinks it the Yorkshire Area 31. A place housing our alien rhubarb technology.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 28 Comments

Cryogenics v Books

I was reading a little bit of a Carl Sagan’s Book to our son. Our son asked me to reread a couple of quotes.

“We are like butterflies who flutter for day and think it is forever”

“Books permit us to voyage through time, to tap the wisdom of our ancestors”

We then had a long chat about life, death and living forever. Cryogenics came up.

It got me thinking maybe books are a better bet than cryogenics. If you are talented enough to become a book author then your words can live forever. Books are so much cheaper. Books are not as frigidly cold and far more illuminating. I think Carl would vote for books.

Thank you for reading this

Gracias

Merci

Grazie

Kop Khun

Multumesc

Dankie

Danke

shukranu

Dhanyabad

Di olch

Tack

Hvala

спасибо

teşekkür ederim

dziękuję

Takk

감사합니다

arigatô