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Splendid isolation 

I have always been a very social type of person, enjoying company, enjoying conversations.  That was before the world changed.

Now I spend significant amounts of time on my own.  It’s been one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make as a single parent.  The opportunities to go out into our mad old world just don’t seem to exist now.  It’s coming up to 11 months since my partner died, and in that time I have had two nights out.  One was for a meal with a family from school and the other was a trip with my son to watch the wrestling.   Living in a small village you just don’t see anyone after you return from school.

During the day the splendid isolation continues.  You do the school run in the morning then it’s a combination of housework, shopping and trying to do part time work from home.  Then it’s back to school on the pick up run.  The only regular interaction you get is with other parents at the school gates and the poor postman (I’m sure he could do without this every day).   Today I timed things and I had a 1 minute chat with the poor postie and 7 minutes with other parents.  That’s on top of the 2 minutes I spent on the phone trying to tell a random caller that I didn’t want a new kitchen or windows.   That’s why I treasure the time I get to spend with my son (even when it’s spent talking all things Pokémon). I am genuinely thankful to have the chance to spend time with my son.

 I always kind of recognised how tough it was for single parents, I just didn’t appreciate the isolation which could go with the role.  If I had known about the isolation straight after my partners death I think that it might have sent me over the edge.  Thankfully I’ve been able to adjust to it over the months. Now everything revolves around my son and nothing else really matters.  Living your life through your children.  I listened to someone on the radio who had also lost their partner and they also talked about living their life through the child.  It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only person surviving splendid isolation in this way.

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One or two fonts of wisdom

One of the most perplexing aspects of the single parenting role I’ve found so far is the decision making process.  Over the weekend I’ve agonised over the following vexed problems:

  • Can my young son have a sleep over?
  • Do I get the puppy neutered?
  • Do I get the exploding tumble dryer fixed or replaced?
  • Can my young son watch Suicide Squad as all his friends have?
  • Is it time to buy new bedding?
  • Can my young son have a finger spinner as all his friends have them?
  • Has the oven gone past the point of common deciency and require cleaning?
  • Is it too soon after the world changed to go on holiday? Can we afford to go on holiday? Where to go on holiday? Should we take the puppy with us?
  • Can my son have the new IPad game as all his friends have it?
  • Can we survive the three remaining school weeks with two pairs of now under sized and very worn trousers?
  • Do I save my sons birthday cards or bin them?
  • Which Secondary School does my son go to next year?
  • Has my son got just got a cold or does he need to visit the doctor?
  • Can my son have a new lego figure to replace the one his dad may have accidentally hovered up?

And so it went on…

Before the world changed we would talk these questions through as a couple.  In most cases my partners insight and common sense would guide us to something like a decent answer.  Looking back it seemed so straightforward and rational.

Now it’s just me, its not straightforward and it’s certainly not rational.  I anguish over every decision, with often no guide to help me.  The biggest problem is that I try to second guess what my partner would have said and done.  I still try to come to a joint decision with my deceased partner.  Unfortunately I often would see the world differently to my partner.  I just can’t seem to second guess her great insights and wisdom.  I just can’t replicate her thought process.  As a result decision tend to get delayed, or constantly changed.  When decision are made they are often a compromise between my viewpoint and with my best guess of what my partners viewpoint would have been,  The decisions are often not very good in practice.   Something has to change.

So from now on I’m going to try and trust my own judgement more.  I’m going to try and learn from the mistakes I will make.  My hope is that my young son has inherited his mums insight and he will become my guiding light.  And yes my son did get a replacement lego figure.

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Happier Times

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about the last holiday I had with my lost love.   I wish that I could relive every single minute of our time in The Alps.  But memories sometimes fade and too often you don’t realise how precious life is.   You need to seize these happy times and truly immerse yourself in them. 

Old photos help fill in some of the gaps. 


Historically I was a prolific photo snapper, often being shouted at for taking too many pictures.  The pictures would then just sit in albums or memory cards, and just gather dust.  I would never find the time to enjoy them.

Since the world changed, my camera now tends to gather dust and the old photos are frequent sources of smiles and tears. A pathway back to happier times.

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What do you say

What do you say when your son asks “do you send dead mums a birthday card, and if so where to?”

I had no answer.  I must have missed the class on this one.   It’s another one of those ‘I’m out of my depth here’.  If only I could find a Dummies Guide.

Thankfully my son came up with a solution. So in a few weeks a birthday card will be attached to a balloon and set off into the skies.  The wind will then do the rest.

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Lights out

Today I took our son to see wrestling.  It’s one of his favourite things.  

When we’ve gone in the past, his mum would stay at home, she hated wrestling.  We would return home to a bright and warm house, with mum peaking through the curtains waiting for us to return. 

That was before the world changed.

Tonight as I drove into our drive, I glimpsed the perfect metaphor for my changed life.

To the side of me was my excited son, still talking about today’s action.  In front of me was a cold and dark house, with no lights and no one waiting at the window.  

The lights have gone out in my world but I’m driven by the desire to give my son the best possible childhood.   

I’m off to bed to try and recharge the batteries.  Then I start again tomorrow trying to be a decent mum/dad.

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Some days…

It’s seven months since I lost my love and became a single parent.  I get ok days and then less than ok days.  Basically I’m still broken.

Yesterday I coped well with what life chucked at me.  Today is not so good.

On top of nothing seeming to go right, my son had problems at school. In the past we would talk these problems through as a couple.  Together we would normally find a solution.  Now, on my own, the solutions often don’t seem to come. My son deserves better than this and this gets me down.

Sometimes listening to music helps.

Sometimes just sticking to the routine helps.

Sometimes walking the dog helps.

Sometimes going for a run helps.

Sometimes a gallon of coffee helps.

Sometimes playing games with my son helps.

Sometimes talking to the ashes helps.

Sometimes reading uplifting books or blogs helps.

Some days (like today) nothing works.  From experience I know what I need to do.  I focus on being ready for my son tomorrow.  Once I get my son to bed then I’ll go to bed, and just write today off and hope for better tomorrow.

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Perfectly laid plans…

Everybody has got to find their own way of dealing with loss.  We initially tried to establish a memory box.  Regularly we would try to write down memories from the great times before the world changed.  We would then keep them in a safe place, the memory box.  I know this has worked for some children who have lost a loved one.  It just didn’t work for us.

My son came up with the idea of just talking to his mum each day.  So we both set aside a few minutes a day, find a quiet place and just tell our lost one what we’ve done today.  It’s been important to my son as it helps him make sure his mum is not forgotten.

For the last few weeks during my ‘daily chats’ with my lost love I’ve been wrestling with a decision.  My son wants a portion of the ashes to be placed in our garden, but where? 

Yesterday ‘we’ came to a decision.  A patch would be cleared under our small apple tree and my partners favourite flower (Forget Me Nots) seeded.  This would be the perfect ashes spot.  

After a couple of hours work the site was ready for the ashes.  Unfortunately we had not shared the plan with the puppy.  Two minutes later we had a very muddy dog who had now found a great new place to bury his toy bone. All I could think about was the look my partner would be giving me, especially if I had got round to scattering the ashes.

The best laid plans…..

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One of those days

I wish I was organised. I wish I was able to cope better.  I wish I was just a little less useless at this single parenting gig.

Today I was cooking Sunday lunch for the two of us.  Everything seemed fine until I started dishing out.  

Two people and three plates of food.  

In auto pilot mode I had gone back to the days of being a family of three.  

At least my son found it funny and the puppy ate well…

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Practical things I wish I knew months ago

Within a couple of weeks of registering the death I was inundated with booklets on coping with bereavement and practical things you had to do.  I’ve just counted the numbers of pages of help I kept and it comes to about 600 pages.  The last thing I wanted to do was read that lot and given the state I was in, it wasn’t going to sink in.  

The local Hospice provided the best help pack (and one of the shortest).  It’s checklist did help a lot.  More importantly they also sat down with me and talked me through the process.

Seven months on and boy did I make some mistakes.  Tasks were missed, wrong forms filled out and wrong assumptions made.

So here’s my list (not exhaustive) of the practical things I wish I knew months ago.

  • When sorting out the funeral remember to work out who is going to collect the ashes.  I assumed the Funeral People would get them to me.  Nothing came for weeks.  Apparently I had agreed to pick them up.  I probably should have had someone with me when I sorted out the funeral arrangements – I clearly was not on this planet at this stage.
  • It was a shock when I picked up the ashes.  I knew it would be an emotional nightmare but I hadn’t thought about what the ashes would come in.  I wasn’t expecting to handed what appeared to be a giant brown coloured sweet jar.  It sounds funny now, but it did through me at the time.
  • In the UK when you register a death you can sign up to a “Tell us once” scheme which automatically notifies a range of government departments.  In the main it works however in my case it wasn’t perfect, and I NEVER CHECKED.  I assumed the local council would be notified and the council tax amended (never happened).  I assumed that both car registration and driver licence records would be sorted (neither happened and it caused problems when trying to sell my partners car). 
  • On the subject of my partners car I assumed that my insurance would cover me to drive it.  WRONG.  My insurance only covered me while my partners insurance was valid.  As soon as she died, I was not covered.  Should have checked as soon as she died.
  • Don’t let your passport expire if your partner is about to die.  The number of times I was asked for a valid passport in the weeks after the death……
  • The help guides talk about short term government bereavement benefits.  The guides I was given failed to mention that they are not available to non-married couples.
  • When you are faced with the question on every form you fill out, “Please tick which applies, married, single, bereaved……” don’t just assume it’s bereaved.  Some of these forms only count bereaved as applying to married partners.
  • Make sure you are registered at the same health practice as your young son.  My partner was but I was at a different one (nearer my former employer).  If you are not registered at your son’s practice then the doctors won’t discuss any issues with you.  I had to move health practice.
  • Don’t forget to check any subscriptions your partner had.  I accidentally found a couple which had been paid in full and which I could claim a partial refund on.  Car Breakdown cover was one.
  • Removing my partners name from most of the regular joint bills was quite painless.  However trying to change bills which were just in my partners name has been a nightmare.  Expect to fill out countless forms, in triplicate.
  • When registering a death you get asked how many copies of the death certificate you want.  I thought I was playing it safe by going for 5.  Every time I notified someone of my partners death they wanted an original copy.  Quite often you would get the original back in a few weeks, but sometimes they don’t come back. As a result for a period of about 5 weeks I didn’t have any copies to hand and this just frustratingly delayed things.
  • I forgot to close down my partners Facebook and email accounts.  This actually was helpful as it identify a number of my partners friends who I had not got round to letting them know about the sad news.
  • One help guide talked about sorting everything out in 3 months.  Seven months done the line and I’m still bumbling through the process.