Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 4 Comments

Maybe people think I’m fine now

Maybe I was in a selfish mood today, but I was trying to think of the last time someone asked how I was doing.  It’s got to be at least a month ago, maybe longer.

Is it because I’m hiding things so well?  Even during the really dark periods I try to smile when I meet people.  Sometimes I smile because it seems like the right thing to do.  Mainly I smile because I don’t want people to raise questions about “If I can cope being a single parent”.

Then I think is it because when people first started asking how I was, I would reply “I’m ok today” and then switch to talking about how my son was.  Then after a couple of months I made the decision to be slightly more open.  So when I got asked the question I was more honest and more likely to respond “Not so good today” or “A bit down today” or ‘Struggling”.  It just felt that people felt uncomfortable with that honest response.  They would change the subject quickly.  Maybe it’s unrelated but the enquiries about how I was doing started to dry up as soon as I was more honest.

Maybe I should get a t-shirt printed saying “I’m Ok today” and let’s see if people start asking again…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 5 Comments

Good or bad idea

Seven months after the world changed and we’ve largely kept the house the same.  Everything is in the same place.  It just seemed the right thing to do, as if nothing had happened.  All my partners clothes and possessions undisturbed from the day she went into hospital.  Even after she died, I washed the clothes she had used in hospital and put them neatly away in the draws (as if she was coming back).

This weekend we have started to change things.  We’ve started to go through the clothes to see what can go to the charity shop. We so far have a car full of bagged clothing ready to go.  Really important point is to check every pocket and bag.  I dread to think of the sentimental things we found which would have been lost.

We have also started moving the furniture around, trying to make it our house now.  The funny thing is my partner was good at this sort of thing, so our changes haven’t really improved the look of the house.  But that’s not the point, the key is that we made changes.  I’m probably not ready to move on, but my son wants to try …. and that’s what’s going to happen.

Update:  Carefully check any books you are giving away.  I’m giving the charity shop a pile of my partners books.  As I was putting the last book in the bag, a photo fell out from the book.  It was a photo from 17 years ago, taken on our first holiday as a couple.  

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 1 Comment

Life on hold

You listen to people who have coped with bereavement and they often talk about the importance of starting to enjoy life again.  Six months on and it feels like everything is on permanent hold.

The football season is almost over and I’ve not been to see one game either at the ground or on tv.

Before the world changed I would go for at least one or two hill walks a month.  Since I lost my partner I have not managed one walk.

Apart from kids stuff I have not seen one film or tv programme apart from the news.

In six months I’ve not had one evening out.

These might seem like petty things but they just add to the feeling of isolation.  It’s not helped by living hours away from my nearest family members.

I know that if I’m going to make the single parenting role work then I need to sort something out.  It’s just currently I can’t see any options.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 6 Comments

Mothers Day

Mother’s Day and the period leading up to it was difficult for me and especially my son.  For about 3 weeks the tv screens are a none stop stream of Mother’s Day adverts and most shops become a no go zone.  If only they would invent a tv filter which you could use to block out certain words or subjects.  We tried to be positive and remember the good times but its hard.  It reinforces what you have just lost.

In the end we bought a Mother’s Day card and put it next to the ashes.  We then spent sometime putting good memories into the memories jar.  Then it was off to Toys R Us to buy some Lego (It’s one of the few shops we found without Mother’s Day references).

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 10 Comments

Best decision

I’ve made some awful calls as a single parent but the single best decision was to bring a pet into the house.

For two months after the funeral the house was lifeless and quiet.  Oh so quiet.  To the extent I hated spending time at home.  Speaking to my son he also hated the house, it was just to empty for him.

Then we bit the bullet and I let my son choose a pet.  The puppy arrived and the house became a home again.  The place was in uproar, it was messy and oh so noisy.  It was full of life again and my son started to laugh again.

Best decision in 6 months…

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 3 Comments

If only

For a few years we sometimes would talk about ‘what if’.  We were both relatively healthy and sort of young.  Bad things didn’t happen to us and if they did we would get time to plan.  So we just kept putting things off.  We never got round to getting married (my fault).

The world changed in days and we never got that time to plan.

Subsequently it’s been a nightmare trying to unpick the finances and sort out everything surrounding the will.  That’s time I should have spent focusing on our son.  Financial assistance for the bereaved is available, but it’s all focused on married couples.  You end up feeling like a second class citizen. You can go to some dark places when you lose someone the last thing you need is “you should have for married” line.

 

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 11 Comments

6 months ago – world changes

I was with my sole mate for 17 years.  We had a great life with our young son. K was the perfect mum and I was an ok dad.  Life was good.

Then 6 months ago my partner goes for a routine visit to the doctor. Hours later she is in hospital for tests and one day later I’m told that she has no more than a couple of weeks to live. Four weeks later I’m picking up her ashes.

Single parent (not prepared for this) and trying to grieve (not prepared for this).  I’m not sure I can do this.

Well 6 months later:

– I’m still not sure I can do this

– I still haven’t found the single parent manual

– I still haven’t grieved properly

– Still pretty rubbish at being a single parent

– Life and career still in turmoil

But

– My kid seems to be doing sort of ok

– I haven’t destroyed the house (apart from the washing machine)

– And I’m still here