Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 26 Comments

Random Acts of Kindness – pets included

Thank you to Mws R Writings for the RAKA nomination. You are very kind.

The RAKA rules are:

  1. Copy picture for the award,
  2. Make an acknowledgement to the person who nomnated you.
  3. Write a paragraph or bigger to explain an act of random kindness, you have witnessed, done, or received.
  4. Tag and nominate others
  5. Make sure to tell those who have nominated, that you did.
  6. You can post pictures of random acts of kindness even if you do not want to write anything,
  7. Thanks for participating and making this world a better and thankful place.

Pets can participate as well.

Last night our house had two cats and the mad dog slouched in front of the fire. The dog then got up and trotted to his basket. He fetched a small teddy bear and brought it to the girl cat – dropping it next to her face. He then ran straight back to the basket, picked up a well chewed toy bone and similarly placed it this time next to the boy cats face. Finally he fetched another well loved toy and this time slouched back in front of the fire and started to happily chew. Where did that come from. I was stunned watching it. But that’s one of my Kindness nominations.

My second RAKA happened at the last Newcastle United match I went to with our son. We walked out of the stadium and towards the metro system (the cities Train system). At the escalators a random middle aged man just handed his football programme to our son and just said “there you go kiddo” and then just walked off to catch the train. Completely random and very kind.

Third RAKA is another pet related one. A marathon runner came across an abandoned puppy. She picked up the dog and carried it to the end of the race. She tried to find the owners but failed. Finally she adopted the dog.

https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/marathon-runner-carries-abandoned-puppy-19-miles-to-finish-line/

Nominations

I’m going to tag anyone who has a Random Act of Kindness to share. Thank you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

He looks like a Neanderthal

This post has been sitting around my draft folder for a few weeks now. I just couldn’t get the wording right, it felt like I was saying the wrong thing. I just couldn’t find the appropriate filter to turn it into the post I wanted.

I want this to come across as a warm and loving post. I don’t want it to be seen as laughing at my son expense, rather laughing with him at our strange world. If it does come across as insensitive then please tell me and I will delete it immediately. If that’s the case then I am so sorry.

**********************************

Its few years now since we first had Autism and Aspergers mentioned to us. At the time a Doctor talked about the symptoms. I wish he had framed it as his unique personality. One of the things he mentioned was and I will use his language

“Inappropriate language”

“Heartless and unfeeling speech”

“Something we may treat later in life”

Sorry Doctor there is only one person in the room with those traits and it’s not our son.

Our son has a beautiful and unfiltered language. He just can’t lie or dress things up. As my Dad would say he calls “a fish supper a fish supper”. This can lead to some interesting situations. We have talked about it. Our son always says that this is just who he is and he doesn’t want to change.

I will give you a few examples:

  • Once a nurse told him her age. Son’s response was “Really I thought you were a lot older”,
  • After I told a joke that went completely flat as a person tried to take our son’s picture. Son’s response “That’s my Dad he is a complete Muppet”,
  • When his mum was seriously ill a Doctor was trying to get a needle into her vein. Son asked the Doctor “Are you a proper Doctor”. The rather stuffy Doctor replied with all his qualifications. Son responded “Well it doesn’t look like you are!”
  • After a school play he said to a girl in his class “You are really pretty but wow you can’t sing.”
  • On a French train he told a rather odd looking guard with a beard “Have you got rabies.”
  • His mum was petrified of heights. We were on a very wobbly cable car and she started to panic a bit. Our son helpfully pointed out “Yes Mum we must be 500ft in the air so if the cable breaks we will die.”
  • On another French train he told the food trolley person “Have you got any food that doesn’t smell of wee..”
  • At his grannies and she had an accident in the kitchen. I said to my mum “Did you just swear?”, Granny said no. Our son said “But you did swear you said Twat.”
  • To a dentist who did smell of garlic our son asked “Have you ever considered using a mouth wash.”
  • While I was trying to lift some really heavy weights “Dad that’s not a good look. You look like you are having a heart attack.”
  • When he went for an X-ray on his finger he asked if it was safe. The technician said completely safe. Our Son replied “If it’s safe then why are you heading behind that glass panel.”
  • When I first started growing a beard he told me “It made me look like ZZTops bus driver”
  • His new Headteacher gave a speech about school excellence and academic achievement. When he came to our son he asked what was he looking to achieve at the school our son replied “Sir I’m looking to take my gap year as soon as I can.”
  • At a Wrestling show and at the perfect moment when the crowd fell silent he shouted out “Dad that’s the female wrestler you fancy. She doesn’t seem to be wearing much why don’t you take a photo of her.”
  • To someone serving food at a cafe he said “I really think you should wash your hands, they are very dirty.”
  • To a man in the village our son told him “You look like an old Father Christmas.”
  • At a rock concert he stood next to a very large biker and said just loud enough “He looks like a Neanderthal.”

We don’t see all this as inappropriate or heartless. Those are just so awful ways to describe this. To write autistic people off as unfeeling or insensitive reveals more about the people making those claims. Please rather see it is unfiltered and pure speech. Welcome the individuality. I for one embrace it.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 36 Comments

No Text Book Grief 2

A friend (emergingfromthedarknight) posted a comment about my earlier Grief Expert tirade. To paraphrase she talked about my mum loving squirrels and the fact that you sometimes read about loved ones returning and their spirits appearing in animals.

I remember reading a similar thing. The one I read was about a widow. Her husband would spend his free time stood by one particular tree looking into the valley. The widow kept horses and she was offered a colt. The colt didn’t like being close to humans and was quite difficult. When the widow went to see the colt it immediately trotted up to her and was really friendly. As a result she bought it. The colt almost immediately went to the same tree as her late husband. Everyday the colt could be seen standing by the tree looking at the valley.

I must admit my friend did get me thinking. What if my mum was in the spirit of the squirrel. That little squirrel who seemed to join me at the grave. Then a rather scary thought came to my mind. What would have happened if my mum had manifested herself as her favourite animal. I suspect I may have found a turn of pace quicker than a sports car. My mums favourite animal was a TIGER.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 131 Comments

No text book grief.

I shouldn’t listen to the radio as it frequently gets me so very 😡😡😡😡😡 mad. The local station had a programme about grief. It featured a so called Bereavement Expert who seemed to be reading from a text book released before the Rolling Stones were born. It was truly awful. We had callers who believed it was wrong to grieve for more than a week or so – people should jump into a new relationship immediately. We then had callers who believed you should lock yourself permanently in a grief isolation cell – staying there until you die. No other options mentioned. The expert and the callers just so quick to pick faults with others. A complete sea of ‘I know best’ attitudes. The Expert advised people to not hang onto loved ones ashes – deal with them promptly and then move on. Then the so called expert brought up the case of an elderly man who every year took his wife’s ashes out for a meal on their wedding anniversary. The expert thought this man needed help as this was deemed as unhealthy. He was instructed to move on. Yes it was sad but he should be considerate to the other people having a meal.

Deep Deep sighs followed by immediately switching to a bit of Green Day on cd.

You just can’t judge how someone deals with bereavement and grief. We all do it differently. No right text book approach exists. Finding a new love quickly, or never replacing your love or doing something in the middle are all fine. Just don’t judge and stop picking faults – you just don’t know anything about that persons life or what they are going through. I find reading and listening to other people’s experiences with grief really really helps. I love hearing people’s ideas. But I never ever judge them.

I’m calming down a bit now.

Maybe this year we will start scattering my partners ashes, maybe we won’t. A couple of years ago I scattered my mums ashes on her family grave. My mum was adamant, no ceremony at the grave. I would do it when I had time. No new words on the gravestone. So when the time came….

The graveyard does not allow unapproved ashes scattering. The Policy states that it has to be an official process. An expensive and time consuming process. So it was time to go into covert operation mode. I decided to opt for a backpack and a shovel type of look. It would make me look like I was here to do some gardening. As I walked to the grave I realised that this rather shifty appearance made me look more like a grave robber. Anyway the time came. Do I just scatter them or dig them in. I will do both. So some were scattered. Unfortunately it was so windy part of my mum may have made it to Norway. She always liked the sound of a Scandinavian holiday. I then started to shift away some of the grave soil. Bit of a worry thought – how deep are the coffins buried? A nervous glance to the side revealed a companion. On a grave 5 yards away was a squirrel also happily digging away. Was the Squirrel hiding some nuts or was the little fella also solemnly scattering some ashes. We will never know.

My mum loved animals. Mum loved feeding squirrels. She would smile at the sight of the squirrel burying the nuts. So as I walked away I hoped that the little fella had moved onto our grave. Mum would like that. Not sure the Bereavement Expert would though..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 91 Comments

Tired

I’ve never really been much of a threat to the great thinkers of our time. This is especially the case when I’m tired. Today I’ve tried to function on 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. The results have verged on spectacular:

  • The picture above was mini cake attempt 3. No idea why they refused to rise this time. The first attempt I used Pea Protein Powder rather than Self-Raising Flour. The second attempt had the right ingredients but not necessarily the right ingredients for a cooking time of 2 hours – completely forgot about them.
  • Took the dog out into the garden for his morning constitutional. After a few minutes he was missing. Had a 5 minute panic until I realised the poor dog was still in the house..
  • Put dog food into the cat bowls.
  • Poured orange juice over my cornflakes.
  • During my early morning workout I actually fell asleep for a few seconds while trying to do floor presses.
  • Had to go to a meeting but put the wrong postcode in the sat navigation so my 15 minute journey took 50 minutes.
  • When I did get to my meeting and took my coat off. T-shirt inside out.
  • The final straw was opening a tin of Tuna to make our son a Tuna and Sweetcorn Sandwich. Funny looking Tuna more like sliced peaches in syrup. Can’t remember buying them…..

So today has been one of those days. Plenty of mistakes but no damage. In fact it’s been quite a lucky day. I posted a while back about stupidly booking two different sets of concert tickets for the same night. I spoke about our son deciding to see Ozzy rather than Thunder, but asking me to wait until the last minute as “this is Ozzy we are talking about”. Well today we found out the Ozzy concert has been put back a few weeks due to a bad case of Ozzy flu. So next week it’s Thunder. So yes I’m tired, very tired but kinda happy. Bring on Tuesday…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 63 Comments

Putting this off for a while

Before the world changed we had quite good balance in our relationship. We both managed to maintain reasonable careers while making sure we always had one of us there for our son. Our trips out as a family curtailed when the Aspergers started to kick in more. However we realised it was important that we had time outs to recharge the batteries. My recharge times largely centred on climbing and going to see my football team.

The world has changed now.

Climbing has gone. Replaced by the very occasional trip with our son to do a bit of walking on some remote hill top.

Trips to see my Football team has kinda stayed in place. They feel like a connection with a much different world. Maybe three or four times a year our son will go to visit my sister for a few hours to allow a trip to see my team. Occasionally I can get a spare ticket so I can take our son to a match. More often than not my ticket is taking up by a friend.

Unfortunately a decision needs to be made. Something I have been putting off for a while. Football really doesn’t fit in with our new life. It’s very expensive. My son struggles with different environments – that even includes my lovely sisters place. My son will go to the stadium but the crowds don’t sit easily with him. It’s becoming very difficult to justify. It doesn’t help that my team is now owned by a really unsavoury and deeply unpleasant character – but that’s by the by.

It’s difficult. I have been going for 32 years. It’s the only time I get to meet some of my friends these days.

But now it’s time to close a particular chapter in my life. Things change, life moves on, you adapt. So after one final match then it’s goodbye Newcastle United….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 37 Comments

Getting To Know You

LAURAVENT69 has come up with a new question challenge. I was kindly nominated to have a go. In her own words

I thought I would come up with a fun questionnaire type challenge. Here are the rules:

The “Getting to know you” challenge. Just copy and paste the rules and the questions listed below and tag at least two people to take the challenge. Use the “Getting to Know You” pic and pingback to this post. Easy!

Now since I created this challenge, I will be tagging more than two people.

  1. Name a moment in your life when you felt you were most courageous.
  2. If you had to choose only one breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, which one would it be?
  3. When have you felt the most scared?
  4. If you could sing like any musical artist, who would you choose?
  5. Do you collect anything?
  6. If you could live inside a tv show or movie, what would it be?
  7. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? If so, what was it?
  8. What’s your Zodiac sign?

My Answers

  1. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that courageous. A coward at heart. Petrified of snakes, spiders, scorpions, wasps, heights, confined spaces, sickness, Selma and Patty Bouvier, zombies, Medusa, swimming, Professor Moriaty, Tomatoes and dancing.
  2. Cornflakes.
  3. Without doubt the night after my partner died. Sat at home with a young child asleep in bed – thinking what on earth am I going to do.
  4. I love LAURAVENT69 choice of Pat Benatar. But me doing that would be kinda odd. So either David Coverdale (Deep Purple, Whitesnake) or Paul Rodgers (Free, Bad Company). Both born within a few miles of my birthplace.
  5. Do things like bruises and bills count? No but son collects Lego and Wrestling Figures.
  6. Always want to live in a place which is just nice and filled with happiness. So somewhere like In The Night Garden, Peppa Pig world, The Moon with the Clangers or ScoobyDoo Land.
  7. As a kid had a reoccurring nightmare about my older brothers punchbag. Over last few years often get a dream about being late for something but trying to run in what feels treacle.
  8. Leo

My Nominations

Mom Life With Chiari

Baffled Mum

Katherine’s Blog

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 68 Comments

School thoughts

How to banish those school thoughts…

It might be the weekend but our son just can’t get the negative thoughts about school out of his head. So much stress at such a young age…

“Dad I just can’t stop thinking about school. I don’t like being so sad about school and it’s a Saturday.”

So we are trying something different today. It not aimed at directly treating the school anxiety issue it’s just a distraction exercise. An attempt to to get rid of the bad thoughts for a short while. The idea is that he will tell me as soon as he has bad school thoughts and I will ask him a random question which he needs to answer.

Worry alert: What animal would make the best Horror Movie Star?

“I think a Hippo Dad. The way they can appear so friendly but are so dangerous. The way they can disappear under the water and then suddenly attack from below”

Worry alert: Which other animal is our mad dog most like?

“It’s a cross between a playful monkey and a dolphin excitedly swimming in the ocean”

Worry alert: If an alien came to earth what would be the thing which scares it the most?

“Your singing. The new Star Wars story arc, it’s that bad. Brussel Sprouts”

Worry alert: If you were a superhero what would be you talent?

“Being Dyslexic in every language on every planet.”

Worry alert: If a universal tyrant super villain attacked earth, someone like Thanos. Who could save us?

“The wrestler Becky Lynch. She would sort him out.”

Worry alert: Thanos the mighty foe of the Avengers, What is his favourite singer or band?

“The Beetles. Similar hair cuts and it’s kinda funny that the ultimate destroyer of life likes music about peace and love.”

Worry alert: Which story would you like to change the most?

“Make Santa more real. Make the Hound of the Baskervilles a real demon dog and not just a big ScoobyDoo dog.” Strangely when I was a kid I remember making up stories where the Hound of Baskervilles was a demonic beast summoned by Moriaty.

Worry alert: Invent a name for a new animal.

“Jeff”.

How about a more scientific sounding name.

“Einstein Jeff, Stephen Hawkin Jeff”

Can’t you make it sound a bit more animal like.

“Four legged, long tailed Einstein Jeff”

Worry alert: What’s the best nickname you have been called.

“JimBob SquarePants”

Worry alert: Merge two movies together to get a new film name.

“Star Wars and Star Trek. You get Star Trek.”

Haha you know what I mean. Something like The Empire Strikes Back and Back to the Future. You get The Empire Strikes Back to The Future. He just looks at me with one of those looks.

“Superman and Batman. Merging together you get Superman”

I give up on that one.

Worry alert: Change the name of a country to something better.

“England should be Rainland”

And on and on.

Most admit it did work as a temporary fix but it doesn’t permanently banish the worries. But it’s something we can add to our armoury of anxiety help tools.

If anyone has got any ideas we can try to ease these school worries, please let us know. It would be greatly appreciated.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 95 Comments

Plan X

The sun sets on another school week.

The school week almost ended prematurely this morning. To a child with Aspergers routine is the key. Outside the house at precisely 805am. Recheck the school bag contents. Go through the class timetable for the day. Reconfirm the after school plan. At 810am start listening for the bus to arrive. As soon as the bus is heard move towards the gate. As the bus passes confirm with our son where he plans to sit. As the bus does a u-turn son sets off for the bus stop.

This routine works well … most days.

Today as we left the house at 8.05. On plan. Bus is already at the bus stop. Oh s**t.

Suddenly we have a meltdown. The plan is out of the window. Poor kid doesn’t know what to do. After a couple of minutes he is frozen to the spot, in tears and unable to think. All I could think about was to reach for a scrap piece of paper in my pocket.

“Son this is Plan X, it’s our plan for this”

He looks at me and asks what does the plan say. Not sure son if I’m honest the scrap paper is my shopping list for the week.

“It says we start walking to the gate while I quickly check you bag and read out your class timetable. At the gate you tell me where you are going to sit. Then you walk calmly to the bus singing your favourite song”

We head towards the gate suddenly we are on plan or to be accurate on the shopping list. Suddenly he stops and he asks what does the plan say about what happens if the bus sets off before he gets to the bus stop.

“Dad sits cross legged in the middle of the road and refuses to move. Thus stopping said bus.”

He smiles and says “you made that last bit up didn’t you.”

As the bus passes, he waves from the window and laughs. Silly Dad is sat crossed legged in the snow.

Maybe we need to think about our routines and schedules. Map out some of the things which might go wrong and plan some alternative plans. Not having to rely on a shopping list again would be nice. But at least we have Plan X now.