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One foot in front of the other

The school holidays have now kicked in. Amazingly the usual UK rain deluge has not accompanied the kids being off. Never thought I would say this but I can’t remember what rain feels like. It’s been over two months since our last bit of rain.

You get so used to something, you take it for granted and then when it stops you quickly start to forget it. It’s been over two years since my partner died and I’ve got a growing list of things which fall into this category:

– forgotten what it’s like to go out for a meal

– forgotten what it’s like to hold hands

– forgotten what it’s like to have an argument

– forgotten what it’s like to share a bottle of wine with someone

– forgotten what it’s like to plan a holiday together

– forgotten what it’s like to have a tug of war over the duvet

I could go on but you get the point. Well another thing on the list was I had forgotten what it was like to do our local walk which circles our village. We would walk this most Sundays.

Well today I crossed that one from the list today….well sort of. The walk used to take us 40 minutes, well today it took over 2 hours as I managed to get lost.

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Vampires

It’s been a bit of a struggle over the last few months. We needed to try and break out of a world which seemed to be increasingly like Groundhog Day. It was my son’s idea, let’s go and see a rock concert. A few minutes later two tickets for the Hollywood Vampires were purchased.

This was my son’s first concert and he loved it. It was the first time that I had seen him laugh and really enjoy himself in ages.

He was just mesmerised by Alice Cooper.

He has always adored Johnny Depp and seeing him just made it that bit more special. It was also interesting that the concert paid homage to a number of rock stars who have died over the years. My son found it reassuring that you can look back and celebrate those special ones who have left us all too soon.

I must admit, it did me the world of good to. It’s the first time I have felt truly alive since my partner died. She would have loved it to, she always fancied Johnny Depp. I could never understand why she thought Johnny was so much more cooler than me.

On the drive back my son quickly fell asleep and I was desperate for a drink or a sweet. I quietly tried to fumble around the car for anything. After a few minutes I found something which felt like a small marshmallow. Strange I couldn’t remember ever buying marshmallows, but it’s a sweet. For about 10 seconds I chewed on this marshmallow, but it had no taste and just felt odd. Then that sinking feeling, that’s no marshmallow, that’s one of my son’s ear plugs which I had forced him to use for the concert.

What was that I was saying about me being as cool as Johnny…….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 4 Comments

One small rose

The last present I gave to my partner was a Yorkshire Rose. In the turmoil of that fateful year, I cannot recall if she managed to see it flower before she left us. Well for the second year I’ve successfully not managed to kill it – very unusual for my not so green fingers. The difference this year is that the rose flowered on my partners birthday. Strange how one small flower can bring light on such a bleak day.

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Backwards or forwards

The last garden Daffodil of the season has decided to bloom about a month after all the others started dying off.

And a dog trying to sneak into the picture

Somethings you just can’t control. Can’t control when the flowers bloom and you certainly can’t control pets..

The last couple of years has shown that I have little control over my moods. Even less control over that part of my brain which determines the memories or thoughts which will be flashed in front of my eyes. No control but definitely a pattern exists.

When I’m in a positive mood I often drift back to memories from the past, the places and times I spent with my partner. I feel so blessed that I was given the chance to experience these precious, happy times.

However when I slip into darker moods, the same process doesn’t seem to work. Rather than looking back at happy memories, my mind constantly tries to force me into the future. Trying to show me the many places or events I won’t get to share with my partner. I find this so crushing.

Today images of New Zealand and Canada, those long planned trips which we can never share. Last week it was images of not being able to grow old together.

Hopefully tomorrow it’s a return to happy memories.

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Winter is over..

Spring has finally arrived here.

A few weeks ago I overheard someone say “I think we are all ready for some sun now, it will cheer everybody up”.

Well the warm sun has arrived and yet I don’t feel particularly cheered up. I have been stuck in a ‘down spell’ for weeks now. Not the complete desolation I suffered after my partner died, just feeling low all the time, not sleeping well, often feeling sad, struggling to smile. The stuff which helped lift my spirits previously just don’t seem to be working currently.

Deep down I realise this particular down spell will eventually pass. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a weeks time, maybe it will take ….

The strange thing is that a few days ago, a friend told me that I seemed happy and over my grieving. How could he be so wrong. Well the simple answer is that I’m not happier, certainly not ‘over’ my grief. However I have obviously become much better at hiding my feelings, hiding the real me, pretending not to be depressed.

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Winter continues

Tomorrow March arrives yet winter continues here. It’s bleak and very cold.

The weather is matching my mood. Today the world seems a cold, bleak and lonely place. Luckily my son will return from school soon and he will lift my spirits. Even the bleak landscape will start to be transformed. Its amazing what a snowman can do.

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The Rose

The world continues around me at a frantic pace but for me time has slowed down since my beloved partner died last year.

Fourteen months ago I gave my partner a miniature rose as a present.  At that stage I had no idea that she would be gone in a matter of weeks.  Now the Rose has decided to flower after months of looking rather sad and bedraggled.  I’m not sure if it’s a sign that life goes on, a reminder of the cycles of life, or just that I got round to feeding it a few weeks ago. 

Two things I do know for certain:

1) It reminds me that although I feel time has slowed down, almost a year has now past since the world changed,

2) How much I still love her and that makes me smile.

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Splendid isolation 

I have always been a very social type of person, enjoying company, enjoying conversations.  That was before the world changed.

Now I spend significant amounts of time on my own.  It’s been one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make as a single parent.  The opportunities to go out into our mad old world just don’t seem to exist now.  It’s coming up to 11 months since my partner died, and in that time I have had two nights out.  One was for a meal with a family from school and the other was a trip with my son to watch the wrestling.   Living in a small village you just don’t see anyone after you return from school.

During the day the splendid isolation continues.  You do the school run in the morning then it’s a combination of housework, shopping and trying to do part time work from home.  Then it’s back to school on the pick up run.  The only regular interaction you get is with other parents at the school gates and the poor postman (I’m sure he could do without this every day).   Today I timed things and I had a 1 minute chat with the poor postie and 7 minutes with other parents.  That’s on top of the 2 minutes I spent on the phone trying to tell a random caller that I didn’t want a new kitchen or windows.   That’s why I treasure the time I get to spend with my son (even when it’s spent talking all things Pokémon). I am genuinely thankful to have the chance to spend time with my son.

 I always kind of recognised how tough it was for single parents, I just didn’t appreciate the isolation which could go with the role.  If I had known about the isolation straight after my partners death I think that it might have sent me over the edge.  Thankfully I’ve been able to adjust to it over the months. Now everything revolves around my son and nothing else really matters.  Living your life through your children.  I listened to someone on the radio who had also lost their partner and they also talked about living their life through the child.  It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only person surviving splendid isolation in this way.