Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 39 Comments

Model Parent

Sometimes I feel like the worst parent in the world (I’m sure most parents feel the same at some stage). I read some of the tremendously inspiring parenting blogs and then compare it to my chaotic approach. This morning I was reading a blog about Dyspraxia when I realised that I had forgot to put this down on my son’s school health form. So I dug out a copy of the form and confirmed the omission but also noted that I had spelt Aspergers wrong as well. I phoned the school to ask for a new form and they informed me that I had used the wrong form anyway. So they would send out a new form. While they were on the phone they reminded me that I had still not returned another two important forms.

So that went well.

Sometimes life sends you a curve ball that makes parenting an even more difficult job. Seemingly well beyond my modest ability levels.

I’ve been agonising over when and how to have THAT ‘Santa’ conversation with my son. Because of his Aspergers it is something which has to be managed really carefully. Trying to find the right words, trying to find coping strategies for emotional reaction. I decided that the best time was in the upcoming school holiday. I had decided on giving our son a special Christmas project to work on. My idea is that he can plan our Christmas programme. What we do, what we eat, where we go, the decorations. It will be his Christmas.

Seemed like a plan. Unusually for me, a plan that had been meticulously thought out. So now the curve ball. Off the bus comes and obviously distraught son. I hadn’t planned on the R.E. Teacher announcing some choice Christmas facts during her lesson. I had not planned on the said Teacher obviously handling this really delicate subject for some kids with the tact of a rampaging wolverine.

So we quickly headed off to one of his favourite places. With his favourite pet dog. Went to see his favourite wooden sculpture. We drunk some of his favourite drink. We then talked through some stuff and agreed that it was his Christmas his year. His mood has lifted somewhat. His Aspergers planning is starting to swing into action. I think he’s going to be ok.

I am probably not the only parent that is rubbish at planning and organising stuff. But maybe, just maybe like most parents, we find a way of making parenting work.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 35 Comments

Words of Wisdom

“You’re only given a spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it” – Robin Williams

“For all autistic people it mustn’t any longer be about what we can’t do, it’s got to be about what we can do” – Chris Packham

“You’re an interesting species. An interesting mix. You’re capable of such beautiful dreams, and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you’re not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other” – Carl Sagan

“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways – either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength” – Dalai Lama

“It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a child with autism to raise the consciousness of the village” – Elaine Hall

“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone” – John Steinbeck

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim“- Vicki Harrison

“You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn’t mean you’re defective – it just means you’re human.” – David Mitchell

“We’re out of our comfort zones with depression. I certainly was and whenever I have bad days now I speak to someone to get it off my chest. I have no shame telling that and that’s why I’m here today” – Ricky Hatton

“Once you choose hope, anything is possible.“ – Christopher Reeve

“I didn’t succeed despite my dyslexia, but because of it. It wasn’t my deficit, but my advantage. Although there are neurological trade-offs that require that I work creatively/smarter in reading, writing and speaking. I would never wish to be any other way than my awesome self” – Scott Sonnon (World Champion in Martial Arts)

“There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart” – Spike Milligan

“Life is too short to do the things you don’t love doing” – Bruce Dickinson

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” – Wayne Dyer

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” – Josh Billings

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow” – Jeff Valdez

“The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma” – Patrick from Spongebob

“Bums to big” – Our son on why the Dodo couldn’t fly. Probably explains why I can’t fly as well.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 10 Comments

Planet of the Apes

The weather today was wonderful. Warm and still. Countryside filled with fantastic deep colours. Even the dog was almost behaving himself. It should have been a walk to saviour.

Yet a my head was blocking the surroundings out, to busy lost in worries:

– son starting new school, have I got everything ready, I must have forgotten something from the school list, will his uniform fit, will he make friends, will he get bullied, have I got the wrong start day…..

– we haven’t had a holiday in 2 years, I must be a bad parent….

– what happens to my son if I become ill…..

– is it time to have that chat about Santa Claus…..

– am I leaving it too long in getting round to spreading my partners ashes…

– are we spending too much money….. am I working enough hours……

– the lawnmowers broken, can we afford to buy a new one this month….

– did I turn the oven off …. did I lock the front door……

And on and on and on it went. Virtually the whole beautiful walk blocked out by my worries. Then the realisation that I had not spoken to my son in over an hour. Luckily he seemed really happy, walking the dog.

“Are you ok, son?”

“Fine dad”

“What are you thinking about

“What might have happened if the Planet of the Apes was based on a different animal. Currently trying to work out if Planet of the Pugs would make more money than Planet of the Budgies”

……………………………………….

So hopefully I’ve learnt my lesson. Try to live the moment rather than worry about things. There is probably a time and a place for these worries, but it’s not on a beautiful walk.

I missed out on todays Planet of the Apes debate but I’m certainly not planning on missing out on next weeks now booked debate about alternatives to Pirates of the Caribbean.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 8 Comments

Progress

The hustle and bustle of school summer holidays is something which does not sit well with my son. Aspergers and crowds is often not a good mix. Added to this was the fact that since his mum died, the sight of happy families would often greatly upset him. Reminders of what he had lost.

But now we have some progress. Now when he sees families it often reminds him of some wonderful memories. Memories he loves to share. Good times which make him happy.

Today was almost a perfect setup for him during a walk with the mad dog. Occasionally we came across families playing in the park. Today these encounters prompted memories of holidays we shared together with his mum. All precious and warming memories. No tears just smiles.

But today it often felt like we had the park to ourselves, no hustle and bustle, just the sound of birds. Today no anxious looks over his shoulder at the swirling crowds around him. A boy at ease with his surroundings.

Days like today feel like progress days. Often it seems like you get good days and bad weeks. Dark periods seem to go on forever. But when you do get a good day it reinforces the importance of trying to keep moving forward.