Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 14 Comments

Uplifting rain

Yesterday was a strange day. Started very warm, dry and still. Finished very wet, cold and stormy.

It was also one of those moods swing days. It started really well with my son in great form. Then one Family movie later it had suddenly swung to tears and dark hearts. Movies which clearly advertise bereavement in the description can be planned for or better still avoided. It’s the ones which suddenly drop these on you without warning which cause the trouble. From a happy family on a trip of a lifetime to suddenly a young family trying to cope with the sudden death of the mum. I can’t remember seeing that bit in the synopsis. It really hit me, lord knows what it did to my young boy. It makes you feel like a completely incompetent parent … why didn’t we opt for the Scooby Doo movie.

But yesterday we had an unlikely saviour, the rain. After two months of completely dry weather the heavens opened. Stood outside in the rain, being almost blown off our feet in the wind. It just felt great. Seeing my son getting drenched to the skin and loving it. Today I just love the uplifting rain.

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One foot in front of the other

The school holidays have now kicked in. Amazingly the usual UK rain deluge has not accompanied the kids being off. Never thought I would say this but I can’t remember what rain feels like. It’s been over two months since our last bit of rain.

You get so used to something, you take it for granted and then when it stops you quickly start to forget it. It’s been over two years since my partner died and I’ve got a growing list of things which fall into this category:

– forgotten what it’s like to go out for a meal

– forgotten what it’s like to hold hands

– forgotten what it’s like to have an argument

– forgotten what it’s like to share a bottle of wine with someone

– forgotten what it’s like to plan a holiday together

– forgotten what it’s like to have a tug of war over the duvet

I could go on but you get the point. Well another thing on the list was I had forgotten what it was like to do our local walk which circles our village. We would walk this most Sundays.

Well today I crossed that one from the list today….well sort of. The walk used to take us 40 minutes, well today it took over 2 hours as I managed to get lost.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 4 Comments

One small rose

The last present I gave to my partner was a Yorkshire Rose. In the turmoil of that fateful year, I cannot recall if she managed to see it flower before she left us. Well for the second year I’ve successfully not managed to kill it – very unusual for my not so green fingers. The difference this year is that the rose flowered on my partners birthday. Strange how one small flower can bring light on such a bleak day.

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Winter is over..

Spring has finally arrived here.

A few weeks ago I overheard someone say “I think we are all ready for some sun now, it will cheer everybody up”.

Well the warm sun has arrived and yet I don’t feel particularly cheered up. I have been stuck in a ‘down spell’ for weeks now. Not the complete desolation I suffered after my partner died, just feeling low all the time, not sleeping well, often feeling sad, struggling to smile. The stuff which helped lift my spirits previously just don’t seem to be working currently.

Deep down I realise this particular down spell will eventually pass. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a weeks time, maybe it will take ….

The strange thing is that a few days ago, a friend told me that I seemed happy and over my grieving. How could he be so wrong. Well the simple answer is that I’m not happier, certainly not ‘over’ my grief. However I have obviously become much better at hiding my feelings, hiding the real me, pretending not to be depressed.

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Winter continues

Tomorrow March arrives yet winter continues here. It’s bleak and very cold.

The weather is matching my mood. Today the world seems a cold, bleak and lonely place. Luckily my son will return from school soon and he will lift my spirits. Even the bleak landscape will start to be transformed. Its amazing what a snowman can do.

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The Rose

The world continues around me at a frantic pace but for me time has slowed down since my beloved partner died last year.

Fourteen months ago I gave my partner a miniature rose as a present.  At that stage I had no idea that she would be gone in a matter of weeks.  Now the Rose has decided to flower after months of looking rather sad and bedraggled.  I’m not sure if it’s a sign that life goes on, a reminder of the cycles of life, or just that I got round to feeding it a few weeks ago. 

Two things I do know for certain:

1) It reminds me that although I feel time has slowed down, almost a year has now past since the world changed,

2) How much I still love her and that makes me smile.

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School drop off

I would share the School drop off with my partner.  It was something I never really thought much about, just a task you try to complete as quick as possible.  Just try to make sure your son arrives on time, hasn’t forgotten anything and looks reasonably tidy.  When it was my responsibility things tended not to be that well organised and my poor son was often last to arrive just seconds before the start of school.  

The School pick up was always more sort after as you could then spend time with your kid.  

I never gave any thought to social aspect of the school transport process.  

That was before the world changed.

Now fast forward 10 months and I find myself in the long summer school break.  Suddenly I now appreciate how important the School drop and pickup has become.  Without the twice daily interactions with other parents the world has become a very isolating place.  Don’t get me wrong, spending days talking Pokémon and wrestling is rewarding, it’s time spent with the most important person in the world to me.  

But sometimes you yearn for contact with the outside world.  Even if it’s just a five minute moan about the great British summer. That’s where the School run comes in.  Since my partner died it has become my only consistent contact with the outside world.  Something I truly appreciate and look forward to.  Maybe that’s the reason my son is now often the first to arrive in the playground on a morning.  It buys me a couple more minutes in the real world.

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Splendid isolation 

I have always been a very social type of person, enjoying company, enjoying conversations.  That was before the world changed.

Now I spend significant amounts of time on my own.  It’s been one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make as a single parent.  The opportunities to go out into our mad old world just don’t seem to exist now.  It’s coming up to 11 months since my partner died, and in that time I have had two nights out.  One was for a meal with a family from school and the other was a trip with my son to watch the wrestling.   Living in a small village you just don’t see anyone after you return from school.

During the day the splendid isolation continues.  You do the school run in the morning then it’s a combination of housework, shopping and trying to do part time work from home.  Then it’s back to school on the pick up run.  The only regular interaction you get is with other parents at the school gates and the poor postman (I’m sure he could do without this every day).   Today I timed things and I had a 1 minute chat with the poor postie and 7 minutes with other parents.  That’s on top of the 2 minutes I spent on the phone trying to tell a random caller that I didn’t want a new kitchen or windows.   That’s why I treasure the time I get to spend with my son (even when it’s spent talking all things Pokémon). I am genuinely thankful to have the chance to spend time with my son.

 I always kind of recognised how tough it was for single parents, I just didn’t appreciate the isolation which could go with the role.  If I had known about the isolation straight after my partners death I think that it might have sent me over the edge.  Thankfully I’ve been able to adjust to it over the months. Now everything revolves around my son and nothing else really matters.  Living your life through your children.  I listened to someone on the radio who had also lost their partner and they also talked about living their life through the child.  It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only person surviving splendid isolation in this way.

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One or two fonts of wisdom

One of the most perplexing aspects of the single parenting role I’ve found so far is the decision making process.  Over the weekend I’ve agonised over the following vexed problems:

  • Can my young son have a sleep over?
  • Do I get the puppy neutered?
  • Do I get the exploding tumble dryer fixed or replaced?
  • Can my young son watch Suicide Squad as all his friends have?
  • Is it time to buy new bedding?
  • Can my young son have a finger spinner as all his friends have them?
  • Has the oven gone past the point of common deciency and require cleaning?
  • Is it too soon after the world changed to go on holiday? Can we afford to go on holiday? Where to go on holiday? Should we take the puppy with us?
  • Can my son have the new IPad game as all his friends have it?
  • Can we survive the three remaining school weeks with two pairs of now under sized and very worn trousers?
  • Do I save my sons birthday cards or bin them?
  • Which Secondary School does my son go to next year?
  • Has my son got just got a cold or does he need to visit the doctor?
  • Can my son have a new lego figure to replace the one his dad may have accidentally hovered up?

And so it went on…

Before the world changed we would talk these questions through as a couple.  In most cases my partners insight and common sense would guide us to something like a decent answer.  Looking back it seemed so straightforward and rational.

Now it’s just me, its not straightforward and it’s certainly not rational.  I anguish over every decision, with often no guide to help me.  The biggest problem is that I try to second guess what my partner would have said and done.  I still try to come to a joint decision with my deceased partner.  Unfortunately I often would see the world differently to my partner.  I just can’t seem to second guess her great insights and wisdom.  I just can’t replicate her thought process.  As a result decision tend to get delayed, or constantly changed.  When decision are made they are often a compromise between my viewpoint and with my best guess of what my partners viewpoint would have been,  The decisions are often not very good in practice.   Something has to change.

So from now on I’m going to try and trust my own judgement more.  I’m going to try and learn from the mistakes I will make.  My hope is that my young son has inherited his mums insight and he will become my guiding light.  And yes my son did get a replacement lego figure.