I don’t know what it is but I love looking at this one field. It just works for me. It also puzzles me – what is on the other side. I have no idea. One day I will check. Is that the best approach?

During the process of getting a diagnosis for our son he had to undertake a number of tests. He would only do them if I did them as well. So by de facto I was assessed as well.

Dad you do know Aspergers can run in the family. Mum’s side probably has. Your side is not so clear except for one person. You.

When I look back at my childhood I was more relaxed when I was on my own. I would often be found apart from the others in my class. I struggled to get my head round bondage language and emotions. Hated physical contact, hated being crammed so close to others. I made friends as I was good at hiding my anxieties. But I never could quite see the world like my friends did. Often seen as the odd but funny one. I was often quiet. I tried to hide a bad stammer which appeared when I felt uncomfortable. My school reports said ‘very shy’ – no I didn’t want people to hear my faulty speech. Initially slow at reading and with appalling spelling. Accident prone and uncoordinated – yet found ways to be good at sport.

All those probably still apply today. Apart from the physical contact phobia – do love a good hug.

So the tests what did they reveal. I remember a therapist telling me

It’s wonderful how you have failed some tests to reassure your son…

Don’t want to disappoint you but I didn’t have to try to fail the tests. It came all too easily for me. Not all the tests but many I did struggle with. I mentioned this to our son’s Clinician. When I told her which tests and how I struggled her take was that it would probably have been enough to trigger a diagnosis. She asked if I wanted to go onto the waiting list for Aspergers Assessment.

But that’s as far as it went. No interest in finding out one way or the other. Waste of valuable NHS resources. Not going to he,p me now. As son would say it’s just who I am. But maybe this is the reason that I have been able to get my head round Aspergers. Partner spotted the Aspergers with our son first but admitted I got my head round it instantly. She struggled. If it allows me to better understand the issues our son faces. That’s good enough for me.

We’ve talked about what’s over the hill. Son think it’s a panoramic view of the Vale. I thinks it the Yorkshire Area 31. A place housing our alien rhubarb technology.

57 thoughts on “Hill”

  2. Having taught students on all parts of the autism spectrum for decades, I have to admit that my favorites were often the kids with Aspbergers or high functioning autism. My classroom was a “regular ed” classroom, but there were always special kids on the spectrum. I hope that your son can embrace his unique and refreshing view of the world, and that he will be celebrated for his intriguing contributions.
    And labels are just that: labels. Whatever! You are both the fine people that you are.

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  4. My mother had a nervous breakdown when I was 9, and I took care of my older brother, my Dad and everything else. Yes, I grew up then. Later in life my mother tried to commit suicide, when in a mental health hospital. I have dyslexia, anxiety, and panic disorder. However I can do 10 things at once, and always on the go. So I guess it’s my side of the family, for my youngest granddaughter.

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  5. There’s a small city about an hour from my house. It’s where we need to go for various doctor’s appointments so I drive that way a few times a year. On the way, there’s a little country road that runs up a hill like yours, arrow-straight and disappears over the top. I always wondered what’s on the other side. Last summer we were heading home from a hike, driving on a bunch of roads I was unfamiliar with, and suddenly I realized we just crested that hill from the other direction. That’s what’s on the other side, a hike.

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  9. I was always made to wish that my birth family and the world at large would have been a better place without me. So, I’ve always sort of hated myself.
    But then came marriage and the kids and suddenly I have people running home to me for jokes and hugs and tickles, food, advice, a listening ear. Suddenly, I’m of some use. I no longer hate myself because now I understand why I had to journey through some of those roads. I think it’s made me a better wife and mum, though there’s still a lot I’m lousy at. I’d have been a nightmare to live with had I not lived through this other life before.

    You have an uncanny understanding of your son. When I read your posts, it often feels as if you’ve ‘been there before’.

    I can’t help but think you’d make a wonderful Asperger therapist if you care to crest that hill some day.

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  10. Some things man was just not meant to know!!! 😉

    We all know where curiosity will get you, especially if you have any feline tendencies.

    Sadly, if it was me looking at the field, the not knowing would kill me and i’d be up by that big tree in next to no time! 😉

    Experience tells me i’m likely to be bitterly disappointed if i was hoping to get a glimpse of Alien rhubarb technology, and all i would see was endless more fields and trees. 😦

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  11. “One day I will check. Is that the best approach?”
    Definitely.

    I was very much like you as a child, although I never found sport interesting enough to discover whether or not I could excel at anything. Besides, my un-diagnosed poor sight rendered any object smaller than a football invisible when in motion, and even those could momentarily disappear if kicked hard enough. And I still loath hugs.

    My diagnosis as being “on the autism spectrum, most likely Aspergers” was made independently by several health professionals in the course of other treatments. That was around the time I was sixty. Two of them advised against seeking a formal diagnosis, as such a diagnosis would provide no benefits, and the stigma of being diagnosed as autistic can be prejudicial under many circumstances, and as one of them said, even when dealing with some sectors of the health system.So while I definitely do not fall into the self-diagnosed category, I don’t have any formal documentation to “prove” I’m autistic.

    When I first learnt that I was probably an Aspie, I tried every online test available to prove I couldn’t possibly be autistic. I failed miserably. In every test, I fell in the the “Highly autistic” range. Since then I’ve come to terms with it and now wear the multiple unofficial diagnoses as a badge of honour. It’s my way to bring attention the the prejudices many people have towards those who are in some way different, and I’ve been at the brunt end of many such prejudices..

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    1. Son hates hugs. I’ve grown to like them. But one thing Ive not grown to appreciate is narrow minded numpties who should know better. Differences mean a healthy society. It means society advancement. It means a better world. Prejudice is on the rise and it’s state sponsored now.

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  14. Pingback: Hill – A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. – International Badass Activists

  17. I believe autism can be genetic as well. For us, my husband would be diagnosed. When he was a child he was (and still is) a little encyclopedia for facts. Never crawled. No coordination (still). And when it came time for school they tested him as they wanted to put him in the special needs room – turns out he tested gifted. He had a hard time at school, unsupported (couldn’t place such a problem child in the gifted class). Tons of sensory issues with food and clothes – he just started wearing jeans because his friends at sporting event started calling him “slacks.” And I do make five different dinners as he is just as sensory with food as the kids. It wasn’t until he was in high school he was finally diagnosed with ADD – which he does have. He’s still medicated for ADD but after our kids were diagnosed he saw a lot of himself in them and we both think if he were to be evaluated today it would come up ASD and ADD. But, like you, he doesn’t feel the need to get a diagnosis. It wouldn’t change anything for him.
    It is fun to think what might be on the other side of the hill. I don’t think I would look though. That would take the wonder away 🙂

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  18. Hi the field is beautiful. Yes it is definitely intriguing what’s on the other side. Are you allowed to just walk over the hill and check out the other side? How is your son doing now?

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  19. Ha, who needs a label… Er, I mean diagnosis. Being put in a virtual ‘box’ (diagnosis) and then being fed ‘ideas’ (therapy), and ‘control mechanisms’ (drugs) just because someone says so, doesn’t necessarily mean it right!
    Live, love and laugh… You and son are two of a kind. 😊

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  20. “Alien rhubarb” made me laugh. That makes me think of the American Christian cartoon Veggie Tales that had an episode about “Rhubarbarians.” 🙂

    And it IS good you are both on the same wave-length. While part of me will always feel guilty the boys, esp Bash, has my issues with anxiety, it also helps me understand how he feels at tense points. We need these connections with our kids, you know?

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