The sun setting on another year without you.
Our family Christmas was always very organised. My partner would micro manage all the key events. A plan for everything
– a Christmas Card List
– a Present List
– a Festive Food List
– the shopping lists and where which shops to buy each item in
– recipe lists for all cakes, biscuits and breads
– Precise cooking times for the Festive Meals
– a Christmas TV viewing list
So today as I stood amongst the massed ranks of shoppers I missed my list. I missed that bit of paper in my hand. I missed that comforting smile which would calm my rising anger at the shopping mayhem. I just miss her. But deep breaths, clear my head and crack on. Got to make this Christmas the best possible for our son. Nothing else matters.
So I find myself at the baking section. Why didn’t I write down the list of ingredients for a Stollen Cake. Looking at my basket. Currently the Stollen is marzipan and currents. How can shopping be this difficult. Few minutes later with a random cook book in hand I start to fill the basket. Where on earth do I find nutmeg. What on earth is cardamom. Why can’t I just use mixed or all spice. My partner would have sorted me out.
Helpfully the shop has put all the Christmas food together. Unhelpfully quite a lot of the festive food currently has use by dates well before the 25th. Am I supposed to freeze it then. My partner would have put me right.
Then a Lego section. Now that’s a cool set, son will love that. But hang on has he already got it. My partner would have known.
Then I’ve made it through the minefield which is the tills. The food scattered randomly in various shopping bags. Why didn’t I put the freezer stuff in one bag. My partner would have done that.
Walk towards the car and pass a lovely coffee shop. The smell of the coffee, the smell of the fresh bread and cakes. One free table. I turn to find no friendly loving face. Suddenly the table doesn’t look so inviting. Tell myself that because the freezer produce is randomly packed I had better give the coffee a miss and head home. That gives me a couple of hours to unpack, go for a run and get my happy game face on for our sons return.
So looking at the sunset. Yes it’s another year without her. But it’s also another year down this new journey. Yes it’s different but it still can be fun. Like returning the helpful cookbook and stumbling across a new Asterix book. Like pressing the button on that toy robot and watching it waddle off down the aisle as it fires off imaginary laser guns at the startled shoppers. My partner would have stopped me. Or asking the shop assistant where I could find Allspice for my cake. And the kind young man taking me to the section with men’s grooming products.
Or having a beautiful run in a deserted wood surrounded by wildlife, birds and even an owl. Yes grief can make you sad but it doesn’t stop you having fun as well. Now where’s my Asterix The Gaul comic book.