I ended up with way too many missing pieces from the jigsaw which painted the life of my parents before they had our family, before me. I never took the time to ask for those missing pieces when I had the chance…..DEEP SIGH.

But I can sketch some details with the pieces I do have.

Dad loved playing cricket, loved to go and see Yorkshire play. He would go for long bike rides, go fishing, loved to ride on steam trains. He was also a bit of a party animal, putting on his suit and heading to the dance halls. He liked to look after himself, liked to be fit. Apparently he was also a bit of a comedian, very gregarious.

Mum loved to dress up and go dancing with her friends. Way too much dancing for her parents liking. She loved music, especially the likes of Crosby, Martin and her always favourite Sinatra. She also loved the cinema but only to see musicals or romance. She also really wanted to travel, wanted to see Paris and New York. In a word, apparently she was FUN.

Then they had three daughters and two sons.

Dad never talked about it, but looking back I’m convinced he fought depression for years. Boughts of heavy smoking and drinking. Hours sat in his chair, pretending to read the same newspaper page yet eyes fixed on a blank wall. Volcanic eruptions of anger, followed by days of silence. Those eyes, eyes filled with suppressed tears, frustration and anguish, was that why he frequently avoided eye contact. Some days he seemed unable to function, rooted to his bed, did sleep bring some temporary relief. Maybe he opened up at Work or at the Pub, not to his family. At home, one word summed the mood, UNAPPROACHABLE. Maybe DISTANCED is better. One word definitely didn’t fit Dad, HAPPY. I can’t remember him smiling or laughing. He worked, he gardened, he went to the pub.

Mum was more open. She said she struggled. She would apologise sometimes simply saying something like she wasn’t feeling like herself. Yes I can remember Mum laughing and smiling, but I can also remember way too many tears. She often seemed so sad. I remember a doctor visit, mum rooted to a sofa, talk of a nervous breakdown. She soldiered on. She had never touched alcohol but started to drink some sherry to calm her stomach. She went shopping, went to see her parents, went to her part time job, went to school evenings when school needed to see a parent, she looked after the house and US. She never went out socially, never met friends, never seemed to listen to music. She never put on a dress, she never made it to Paris or New York.

What did life, marriage and parenting COST THEM….

73 thoughts on “What did it cost them”

  1. Times were so different then. Obligation and expectation. I don’t remember my Mum being happy either but we expect it now, don’t we? We were out for a meal this evening and a Spanish couple had their 2 youngsters along. Maybe 5 and 2. Older parents and I watched, thinking how little pleasure there is for the adults when juggling the kids. But you could see they adored them. As I said before, hopefully their day will come 🤗🩵

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    1. What we find makes us happy, perhaps might have made our parents happy, but equally it might have made them unhappy. What I dislike might be what others love. We only had our perspective, and now our memories of that are a clouded glimpse. It’s not the full picture of what was real and lived.

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  2. All I can think of is reversing the expression “You can’t live through your children” to say “We don’t live through our parents”. What their story was, was their business. Not one person can actually know what is going on in another’s thoughts. We can only guess, but respect their privacy of thoughts. As the children of unique people, with unique lives and thoughts, we won’t ever know, it’s not going to happen. Fact is: Only fake lives are happy all the time. I wouldn’t want that or want that for any of my loved ones.

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      1. My mother did not answer questions I wanted answer to, but she would asked for things as an answer “Could you get me a cup of tea please?” or “I need my bed making please.” It annoyed and frustrated the shit out of me, that I wasn’t being heard or answered. However, later on I did the Byron Katie four questions and turn it around thing, on the memory of those moments and came up with who I could be those moments:
        1) I listen to the inner me, I hear me.
        2) I do not need the answers from my mother.
        3) I can listening to the needs of my mother and be present in the moment.
        4) I’m able to help my mother willingly and cheerfully, to have a cup of tea and have her bed made, without my internal drama of thinking there’s a clock ticking to get the answers that she might not have had.

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      3. Thing is, all of us who have lived through things, have lived through them, come out the other side and want to get on with the here and now. I know I loved some parts of the past, but Q) Do I want to live there? A) No way hosay!

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  3. You are such a great writer, Superdad. But I wonder what makes you wonder these things. Looking back not only at your own life, but also at the lives that others lived. It’s hard to say what was behind the depression, the talk of a nervous break down… I wouldn’t ask the question what did life, marriage and parenting COST THEM. The things that cost them grief may have come through some of those, but equally, depression itself may have little to do with circumstances, marriage or having a family. Having a family could have been the one thing that kept them going.

    Stay out of the rain, Superdad. ❤️

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  4. I think it quite common for us to only think of all those questions when it is too late. My parents lived through WW2, Mum in London, Dad in Malta and then somehow he was out of the army and back in London too. Why did I never ask? My brother was apparently told never to ask Dad about the war. I know he left Malta as an invalid but we were never told in what way. You remember bits and pieces but as you grow older you wonder if you remember correctly and there is no-one left to ask. My father kept diaries. After he died I looked up the dates of my brother’s birth and my own. Unsurprisingly, he had made no record of our arrivals. I read a few of his entries but found that I just didn’t care. It wasn’t that I felt I was invading his privacy since if you keep a diary and leave it behind, presumably you expect it may be read. I threw away all his words, years and years of them. It was that sort of relationship. Parent-child relationships my be the most difficult but I can tell from all you write that you put your everything into it and that makes you special.

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    1. They lived their life, had ups as well as downs in their marriage (that’s how the cookie crumbs) and parenting they must have considered worth the cost, just look at what a wonderful child they had living with them,

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  6. It’s very interesting to realize looking back what it was like, I would always want to believe they were tears of joy but maybe they weren’t after all.
    My mom only had three of us and she still pretty much volunteered her life to raise us to be solid people, I want to look on the bright side and say she succeeded. Yes, she has never been to Paris or Rome but maybe she did something bigger and better. She lives vicariously thru our successes, we have been to Paris, Rome and New York. If you look at it thru the magnifying glass you would see what she sees – BIG success

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    1. I will never go to New York, because I don’t want to. Maybe your mom had the same thoughts, that she just didn’t want to. Not going therefore, is living successfully within our choices. I love that my son has stood on the Charging Bull of Wall Street, but that’s not for me. My successes are considered small fry, but I consider myself successful in my own way, daily things and lots of times by being fully in the moments.

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      2. Each winter, I dream of various types of ripe tomatoes growing in my garden. I plan, then I do the effort and have various successes. This year I have some cherry tomatoes in hanging baskets, buckets of “proper” types. My small fry dreams come true, through the effort and I’m happy with the results and not to sad about fails.

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      4. Here in West Wales the weather has been so weird this year. Many things in the garden have been ruined, but not everything. I have gleaned bit of happy from those things that survived and blossomed.

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  7. If you are looking for answers from the past, I suspect you won’t find any.
    My own parents stayed together for appearances sake, because divorce or splitting up had a social stigma about it at the time.
    It was like living with two flatmates that hated each, they barely spoke to each other.
    For years, I tried to find some answers, and basically, there aren’t any.
    They were both flawed in their own way and perhaps they brought out the worse in each other.

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    1. Some stay together not just because of the children. Maybe using the everlasting memories of the thing that bound them together, back in their first bloom of love and the moments that made the children. The magical nights and loving days. Maybe some fabulous passionate moments in the sack ⛺ (rightly not something people share with their children).

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  8. Like imagining your parents having sex, it is best to NOT do it. But you can start a different cycle by telling Hawklad all about your relationship with his mother. How you met, how you fell in plove, how much you loved her, how much she loved him.
    (I suspect you already told nim most of that, but he is older now and would probably love to hear it all over again.)

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    1. My mother was happy to share, that when on leave (my father was an officer in the royal navy) they often stayed naked all the few days they had and… 😊😊 made each other very happy.

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    1. I think we all mentally ask these questions about our parents, and it’s not just out of curiosity, but maybe to understand ourselves more. We can more easily get to know who we are from the source.

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  13. I do think an aspect of that is the parent’s personality pre-kids. Bo and I have never been party-goers, unlike my father’s parents, who LOVED their social life at the supper clubs and dance halls. How the parent handles it, too, matters. There are certainly times when I say, “I love you, now leave me be right now,” for that’s just it–we ALL need our space at times. The kids are just as vocal about needing their time alone, too, and I think that’s a big part of it. We’re not hiding our need for solitude, nor do we hide our need for hugs. And I think showing both is okay helps a lot.

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      1. True. Sometimes we need to be alone and quiet so we can listen to ourselves…or nothing at all. xxxxxxxxxx
        Our kids need that, too. My B’s had their first week of school. Bash has often had problems during the recess/outdoor play time because he gets flustered with ruled play. This week, he’s spent recess by himself looking at a book. At first I was bummed he wasn’t trying to interact with the other kids, but then it hit me that after hours in a classroom with noisy pre-teens, *I* would want to take a break from the world, too.

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  14. Hugs, Gary. 🥰

    It’s bittersweet to look back at our childhood and see our parents as whole people, both strengths and challenges, rather than the idealized heroes that children often regard them as.

    I just had a recent conversation with my hubby and his parents about how I wished I had taken the time to interview my parents while they were alive and encouraged them to do the same, while they have the chance to.

    I can see you got your sense of humour and musicality from your parents!

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    1. I keep meaning to right about a college friend who decided to interview his dad. He turned up with a voice recorder and several bottles of wine. When he tried to start his Dad told him to sod off and for 3 hours they got drunk listening to horse racing on the radio. 😂😂😂

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  15. Maybe in time, the outlets your parents had that helped them cope with life, slowly became inaccessible for some reason? Friends, dances etc… when those doors shut, maybe others didn’t open? If it were due to that, I’m awfully glad for you that you began blogging. Even if some doors closed over the years, our doors are still wide open for you, Gary.

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    1. I remember Dad saying that you get to a stage where you can forget about the telephone and need to employ a clairvoyant to speak to friends…. Maybe that’s why he would spend so long reading the death notices in the paper. Replace clairvoyant with prayers and I’m starting to know what he means now.

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  16. honestly, i think the price of not becoming a parent has it’s own cost..that may seem odd but as i get older and watch my friends and family who are childless ( by choice or not) and I see such an emptiness and self absorption.They spend way more time contemplating their “purpose”. A few times i’ve been able to have discussions with them( if they brought it up- i never would!) and a few expressed that they felt like their life had “amounted to nothing”. It’s hard to know unless you experience it i guess. At any rate, regardless of how different I became after parenthood, i’m still soooo glad i chose it. Hugs!

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    1. it’s odd I have 2 college friends who purposely stayed single to avoid being a parent. One chap still thinks it’s his best decision, the other says that they tried to focus on career, lifestyle yet he now regrets not trying to be a parent. I guess we all have our own loads to carry whatever path we take or are forced down ❤️❤️

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  18. OH Gary, this is moving and sad, and an important part of what makes you, you. Our lives are entertwined with our parents and I think it takes years to realize all the ways their lives affected ours, not just as kids, but as adults. ❤

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  19. A heartfelt post. A question few children probably ever ask. It definitely makes one think, especially those of us whose parents have passed.

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