Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 53 Comments

Tell the Story Challenge

Thank you to Pensitivity101 for the Tell the Story Challenge. The story picture is …

I hate being me. I’m always grumpy. I hate being green – why couldn’t I be blue or brown or yellow or white – but no I had to be green. I hate my eyes, can’t find any glasses to fit me. Don’t start me on my feet, how on earth am I supposed to find any shoes to fit. I go to the shop for nail polish and they only sell red, RED – I’ve already got red finger ends. But what I hate most about being a Poison Dart Frog is the fact that everything I touch dies. So I never get to hug anyone. I just have to hug myself….

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I would like to challenge the following fine bloggers to write something about the picture below (only if you fancy it)

Talesfromthemindofkristian

Momlifewithchiari

DerrickJKnight

If anybody else fancies a stab, go for it.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 76 Comments

Made up

Today I was thinking about how nice it would be to have some colour in the garden again. I tried to picture some flowers. The flowers I could see in my mind were last years plants. Couldn’t imagine any new flowers.

Our son’s school does ask the kids to do an awful lot of homework. Too much really. One of his assignments was to start putting together his autobiography. Red flag alert. This is a recipe to just reopen old wounds. Son was equally apprehensive. So I contacted school and expressed my concerns. We agreed that rather his own biography he would come up with a fictional one. As his hand is still not fixed I was going to scribe his thoughts.

“Ok I am in my 70s”

“I was born in the South of England”

Good start.

“I like music”

“My best friend is called Keith and he also likes music”

“I have another friend called David who I often share clothes with”

Not sure where this is going.

“I joined a band with my friend Keith”

“We played our first concert in 1962”

This sounds a bit like Mick Jagger.

“Well it is Jagger”

No you can’t use him, it’s supposed to be made up.

“Oh, Ok.”

“I am middle aged and I am a lecturer”

This sounds more like it.

“My father is very religious”

“I am an archaeologist”

“I’m scared of snakes and I am also an adventurer”

By any chance does he go looking for the Holy Grail.

“Yes, how did you know?”

Because its Indiana Jones. You can’t use him.

“Why he’s made up”

You just can’t use him, make one up about a child not a famous adventurer.

“Alright can I be an 8 year old boy”

Yes much better

“I am a bit cheeky”

“I live with a large family with many kids. I have a really annoying older brother and uncle”

“I am always getting shouted at”

This will make an excellent biography.

“Every Christmas my family go on holiday but they always forget me, so I am home alone”

Deep sigh…. Fine you win, you can be Kevin….

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 75 Comments

Cheesy Music.

I came across this story this morning

https://consequenceofsound.net/2019/02/rock-and-roll-themed-cheeses/

Aldi is going to sell some limited edition music themed cheeses.

Sweet Cheddar of Mine – Guns N’ Roses

Pour some Gouda on me – Def Leppard

Wake me up before you Goat Goat – Wham

Thank you Aldi I should be focusing on a payroll spreadsheet and now all I can see is cheesy song titles.

Let it Brie

Go your own whey

For whom the baby bell tolls

I Stilton haven’t found what I’m looking for

Brie quick or Brie dead

Smoked Gouda on the Water

American Cheese Pie

Abbots Gold Rush

Another ADL Brick Cheese in the Wall

Jumping Chilli Jack Flash

Chocolate Stout Cheddar Symphony

Halloumi of the Mountain King

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 51 Comments

What works

Anxiety, sadness and fear. Three words which unfortunately are too often near the top of our household vocabulary. Along with fart, burnt food, turn the music UP, where’s the remote, sorry I forgot and Dad you Muppet.So what have we found that actually works for both of us. Here are some of the winners.

5,4,3,2,1

We have found that this technique is really good at taking the edge off panic attacks. It doesn’t work on any underlying problems but buys some time. At the first sign of increased anxiety:

Think of 5 things you can currently see,

Think of 4 things you can currently hear,

Think of 3 things you can currently touch,

Think of 2 things you can currently smell,

Now do 1 large breath.

The Sweetie Jar Oracle

If our son is going through a period viewing the world through unhappy filters we start the Sweetie Jar Oracle. Find a large clear jar and a bag of brightly coloured sweets. Not sure about the rest of the world but in the U.K. smarties, fruit pastilles or Skittles work well. Sort out say the red and yellow sweets. Then identify one of the colours as good and the other as bad. Then over a period of a few days, maybe a week start to fill the jar with the appropriate coloured sweet every time a good or bad thing happens. After a few days hopefully you will see more good sweets than bad sweets. This usually convinces our son that although bad things do happen, good stuff happens more frequently. You can then eat the sweets….

Good Memories Store

We have an old small suitcase which we use to store good memories in. It’s full of old photos and handwritten notes. Every time we remember a good memory I write it down and put in in the suitcase. When times are bad we can then dig out the memory store and hopefully receive an instant boost to the soul. Has the added advantage of making sure you don’t forget those all important wonderful moments in time.

YouTube

Just losing himself in a YouTube documentary works somedays. I remember one occasion when he had an awful day at school but after 45 minutes of YouTube watching he was a happy little bunny. Worryingly he had found solace in documentaries about Caligula. What happened to Peppa Pig…

Wheelbarrow Train of Pain

Talked about this in a previous post. It stops my sudden urge to punch the wall with frustration. Basically load up a wheelbarrow with heavy stuff then push it round the garden. The number of circuits depends on the severity of the frustration.

Lego

Found that building a Lego set really helps take our son’s mind off his anxieties. It’s also good for his fine motor skills. It’s often frustrating for me as it just reminds me that I never got round to buying the Star Wars Death Star Lego set. Now it would be cheaper to buy a real Ghostbusters Proton Pack and get Bill Murray to personally deliver it to us.

Trampoline

Almost everyday on his return from school our son heads for his trampoline. 20 minutes later many of the frustrations of the day are put to the back of his mind.

Late night dog walking

Walking the dog never really helped our son. He was often too concerned about bumping into others. We would be having a happy conversation but suddenly someone would appear on his radar and he would be lost to anxious social thoughts. Almost by chance we then found the delights of night time dog walking. At night no one is about in our village. We have the fields and lanes to ourselves. Now it has become an excellent stress reliever. We frequently use the walks to plan out in detail the next days schedule.

Bad things league table

Every so often we run the bad things league table. We both list all the things worrying us. We then work together to rank them in order of how much pain they are causing us. Points are awarded for the severity of the issue, it’s frequency and how difficult it is to solve. It quickly identifies the stuff we need to focus on or prepare for. Because it’s done as a league table our son finds it easy to talk about and work with. For the issue which is the league winner we then spend a few minutes working out a couple of actions which might help knock it off its top spot for the next league table.

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One of the activists 100% guaranteed to raise our spirits will feature in the next post…

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 60 Comments

Bereavement and Aspergers

Death is inevitable but so so tough to comprehend. It’s hard for a grizzly mile worn traveller like myself to cope with, what on earth is it like for someone so young. Especially when it’s now 5 major deaths in 4 years. He’s only 11.

My son living with his Aspergers finds comfort in routine and orderly plans. Bereavement doesn’t fit into this ordered and planned world. Suddenly the world shifts, things are never the same again. This complete paradigm shift seems to manifest itself as shutdowns in his processing skills. His fine tuned memory becomes vague and unreliable. Concepts and principles become just random jumbled images. Simple tasks become complex nightmares. All he can think about is that the world and his happiness will never be the same again. Completely lost in this alien world.

Another aspect of Bereavement is a sensory one. Our son constantly fights to control and deal with all the sensory inputs flooding his body every second, every minute, every day ….. hardly ever receding. He has talked about death ramping all these sensory inputs up several levels. Suddenly the noise in his head is louder, he can feel the heart pounding, his skin is oh so much more sensitive, the unsettled stomach becomes a whirling vortex. He is trying to understand death while coping with this sensory storm.

When Bereavement occurs so many worries resurface for our son:

  • Fear of his own mortality. Suddenly every cold, every encounter with an unclean surface, every bump, every cough is a potential path to death.
  • Fear of his Dads mortality. No backstop, no second parent. Images of sad kids in cold foster homes like Harry Potter or strict Victorian orphanages flood his mind. How many movies have this as it’s premise.
  • Fear about losing special loves he will encounter in the future. Is the safest option to just shut the world out.
  • Bad things keep happening so they must be the norm in life.
  • Is it me. Am I to blame for this.
  • I just can’t find order and rationalise things anymore.
  • You learn to love, you learn to trust, then it is gone.

I think that final fear underpins everything. Trust in life for our son is hard to establish. He works so hard to build those bridges. Death smashes those bridges, breaks his hard fought trust.

We have started the healing process. Recommenced all the stuff which has helped in the past. But each time it happens the path to recovery becomes longer and more difficult.

The irony here is that this post is about our son (my only focus) and yet those last two lines (without thinking) are probably about me.

We now try to move on. The motto we have adopted is ‘each morning we dust ourselves down and go again’. Next post I will talk about some of the stuff which helps our son. More uplifting. More humorous. It has to be that way.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 44 Comments

Tell The Story Challenge

Thank you to Sadje for the Tell the Story Challenge . “Write anything that comes to your mind in regard to this picture.”

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She wanted to live forever. Avoid death at all costs. Every living moment focused on that goal. All consuming. All pervading. Her wealth and all her energy spent on her personal holy grail quest. Friends shunned and family scorned by a pathological obsession. No scientific or mythological stone left unturned.

But when the end inevitably came. What was it all for. A fools gold prize. Body turned to dust. A life ultimately wasted in the desire to prolong it. No fond memories created . No legacy built. Her clothes and a book are all that remained in the end.

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I am tagging

Crushedcaramel

Baffledmum

pensitivity101

If you fancy having a go then have a look at this picture and see where it takes you.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 60 Comments

Football

I wrote this just before the world turned again on Saturday. Trying to help get him back to this mindset again. Thankyou for all your support, it really has helped. I know some people will say it was just a pet, but given what went before it….. it really has hit him hard. Feels like he has regressed back to the days when his mum died.

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“Dad I’m going to tell you the winners of the main football leagues since 2009.”

I grabbed my iPad to check the dates and help with the blanks, shouldn’t have bothered

Ours is easy it’s 2018 Man City, 2017 Chelsea, 2016 Leicester, 2015 Chelsea, 2014 Man City, 2013 Man Utd, 2012 Man City, 2011 Man Utd, 2010 Chelsea and 2009 was Man Utd.

Scotland is easy it’s Rangers for the first three years then Celtic since 2012.

In France it’s easy as it’s PSG except in 2009 when it was Bordeaux, 2010 Marseille, 2011 Lille, 2012 was a team starting with M but I can’t say it and 2017 Monaco.

For La Liga it’s Barcelona in 09,10,11,13,15,16,18. Real in 12,17 and Athletico in 2014.

In Italy Juventus have won it since 2012, 09 and 10 was Inter, 2011 was AC Milan.

In Germany 2009 it was Wolfsburg, 11 and 12 was Dortmund, boringly Bayern have won the rest.”

A slightly stunned Dad was list for words. He didn’t like football this time last year. Struggling for something to say all I could manage was – who won the Dutch league in 2010?

“Trying to trick me, that was Twente.”

Ok who won the Turkish league this year?

“Galatasaray”

How can anyone remember all these facts. It is beyond me. It’s also beyond me why our society is so quick to write off so much talent in our autistic stars.

“Dad when did your team last win the league?”

Not that many years ago son….

“Dad you will find it was 1927.”

Bugger…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 131 Comments

Life is a pile of crap somedays

Some days life is good. Somedays it’s a pile of crap. Often it’s full of unwanted coincidences.

Seven hours ago I was writing a so called humorous post about our naughty girl cat.

Four hours ago my son was sat with Daisy on his lap. The two have always been close. She helped get him through his mums death.

Then out of the blue a brief seizure and she left us.

Yes a naughty girl but much loved. Yet again son is dealing with death. Yet again a parent lost for words. Today life is crap.;

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 81 Comments

It’s not just vampires that don’t like

Its not just vampires that don’t like garlic…..

“Dad I have to take some ingredients in for Food Technology. I tried to write the list down.”

So all the ingredients were carefully packed into the school bag. The last item. What does that say, big something.

“Think it’s a big garlic.”

Ok you can have a few cloves. Job done.

Fast forward to the end of the school day.

“Dad it wasn’t a big garlic it was a big turnip.”

No damage done and some laughs. Well that was until I went to empty the school bag.

Wow what a smell. A really strong garlic smell filling the room emanating from the bag. It was that bad I was tempted to call the Ghostbusters. Apparently when our son had discovered that the garlic was surplus to requirements he just throw it back into the school bag. Now everything stunk. The bag, the books, the pencil case, the calculator, the iPad.

One hour and one full bottle of Lemon Surface Cleaner later everything apart from the bag smelled ok. The fuming school bag would just have to be washed. Chucked into the washing machine – job done.

Contentedly I walked to make a drink. A thought crossed my mind. Houston we have a problem!!!! Some numpty forgot to empty the washing machine before the garlic bomb started it’s cycle.

60 minutes later. The bag still stinks. But progress – now the school clothes and my sports kit stink of garlic. So second washing attempt this time with triple the soap and half a bottle of fabric conditioner.

60 minutes later. The bag, clothes and now the washing machine stink of garlic.

Advice was sort from the internet. Third washing attempt but this time with added vinegar and three cut up lemons.

60 minutes later. Thankfully success. Strong garlic smell replaced with strong lemon smell. I’ll take that. Luckily after tumble drying the lemon smell is now almost pleasant. Unfortunately the school bag was obviously not tumble dryer proof. It now resembles a shrivelled prune.

A very tired Dad sits down with a well earned coffee.

“Dad you smell of garlic….”

I can now see why vampires don’t like garlic…..

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 57 Comments

Progress?

“Dad how do you spell Transylvania, I am trying to find a picture of Dracula and his castle”

Our son frequently asks how to spell words when he is using his iPad. As he tries to type out the words which I have attempted to spell the hope is that it will help with his Dyslexia. He is trying to move away from just using the iPads speech recognition app. In this vampire case we had an issue with either my spelling (most likely) or our son’s typing.

“Dad that doesn’t look like Dracula or his castle. It’s a man with make up wearing a very short skirt.”

Yes that was an interesting conversation we had about a word sounding a bit like Transylvania.

We have continued to work at home on our son’s dyslexia. It’s his biggest concern and causes him so much stress. However it’s a constant balancing act as he gets so tired at school. I want him to have time to play and relax. But when we do work we have tried a number of techniques. I talked about some of these in an earlier post

https://bereavedsingledad.blog/2018/11/14/home-help/

Maybe, just maybe we are starting to see some progress. He is starting to recognise a wider range of words (although it takes time). Increasingly some of the more common words are starting to be recognised instantly. This is real progress. He is now starting to read Graphic Novels without the help of me or a reading pen. He is using the pictures, the words he can recognise and trying to figure out the words he can’t recognise. He can just about follow the story now. Hound of the Baskervilles is his favourite graphic novel.

As long as he is up for the challenge we will continue to push. Learning to overcome dyslexia does feel like the search for the Holy Grail some days. But at least we now have some leads. Maybe we have started to narrow down the search zone. Let’s hope so.