I think I hit new BRAIN FUDGED exam heights this afternoon. Just driven back from school and for about 10 seconds I was stood bemused next to the house front door. The locked front door. Why wouldn’t it open. I was repeatedly pressing the car remote door opening key.
D’oh.
Once I had finally opened the pesky front door with its traditional key, I found a letter from a rather large public utility company which had been privatised a few years decades back. Customers were told that this would significantly improve service levels and keep prices down….
We are still waiting for those particular benefits to arrive.
The letter was addressed to Hawklad’s Mum. Over the 6 plus years since the world changed, I have repeatedly tried to get them to change this. Apparently the main database has been changed but other databases not linked to the main one keep popping up. Clearly the privatised company can’t afford to link all its systems. Got to pay those Dividends…..
Well back to the letter. A few years back, seeing my partners name on the address would have wrecked me. Things have changed now. The grief journey moves further down the road. This time I focused on the text next to the address.
We know times are hard, we are here to help. We want to do all we can, so open the envelope to see what we can do for you…
Well for a start you could stop fleecing your customers with ridiculously sky high prices and monumentally poor service levels. You could also stop your Chief Executive getting millions in performance related bonuses.
I dealt with the letter in the appropriate manner. Throw it to the mad Cat and Dog, let them rip it to shreds.
But the key point is that I focused on the contents of the letter rather than on the name on the letter. I never thought I could ever do that but when the time is right, the journey starts to become just a bit less painful.
One of those mighty motorways that cut through the North Yorkshire Moors. This is rush hour….
It’s rush hour with Hawklad’s exams now. Two weeks of mayhem, 12 exams in 10 days. It’s an official slog now. That’s how it’s designed to be. Zero marks for coursework, everything on final exams. Exams squeezed into just a few weeks
Hawklad has officially got to the ‘hit the wall’ stage. He has really tried, tried to catch up on being out of the classroom for over two years. Tried to catch up that time, with let’s say ‘patchy’ support from school, over just a few weeks. Too much cramming, trying to force in so much information. And now, with two weeks of exams to get through, he is zonked out, brain fudged. He is still trying to learn, revise, but it’s not going in anymore.
It feels like running a marathon. At the starting line you stand with high hopes, focusing on running a great time. You set off and it feels ok. Then at some point, it all changes. It starts to hurt. After that it’s just about survival. The mind and body have gone. Any thoughts of a decent time have gone, it’s now about just trying to get to the finish line in one piece.
So one particularly bad day for Hawklad when he was tired, nothing was going in. He felt like he was going backwards. STUFF IT. We went for a drive on the Moors. Exams are supposed to be everything, but life goes on. Exam Rush Hour will never give you views like that.
I must have walked past this tree at least a 1000 times and yet today was the first time that I truly noticed it…..
So it’s 8 exams down another 12 to go. So much for Hawklad to learn and revise over the next three weeks. Currently he is ‘enjoying’ a week long revision school holiday before the exams come flying back at him. Poor Hawklad is mentally shattered, these exams are taking so much out of him, he is drained. Trying to cram in almost 3 years work into just a few weeks, across a number of subjects. Trying to do this while trying to cope with the stress which the revision and exams are placing on his hard earned reading skills. Trying at the same time trying to learn to type exam answers up without any speech or grammar assistance.
It’s unbelievable to think that just under three years ago school had decided that he would never be able to read. The fact he is doing these exams unaided is already the biggest of big WINS for him.
But he is drained. Really drained.
So we through out the revision playbook. He needed a break. So he is having a couple of days off before he dives back into the work again. Two days off will hit the revision but it was the right decision. We all need to recharge sometimes.
Routine and familiarity is so important to Hawklad. Change is best approached with planning and preparation. Especially when he is under so much additional exam stress. As a result we have been trying to map out a course that has been as smooth as possible but sometimes all we can do is whisper “REALLY…..”
Been so many instances just over these first few exam days that have put obstacles in the smooth path.
After the first exam, Hawklad getting stuck in the classroom for an hour due to a faulty printer and national rules. Then having his invigilators changed at the last minute. Then being given teacher tips on banker questions that always come up and then they don’t this year. Or finding the day before the exam that he hadn’t been given part of the course. Or the cat and dog having a fight for the first time ever, a proper full on fight, just before another exam. Or other things…..
And then we got those extra days. A day mapped out to just focus on revising for his weakest subject for the upcoming exam. Minutes into starting work and this happens to the conservatory where he was sat.
Yes a shimmering sheet of supported roof glass shattered in seconds. I think that’s a bit of ‘s’ alliteration – I’m clearly learning as well. The end result….
Randomly one inner roof glass sheets turned into a glass rain.
I have never seen so much glass pieces. On the floor, on furniture, in revision papers, in Lego sets, in clothing. Everywhere. Thankfully the safety glass did its job and no injuries, well apart from my hands trying to sort out the mess. Spooked Hawklad, Spooked Muppet Dad, Spooked Pets. We could have REALLY done without that. So his favourite revision spot is not so favourite now.
Brain fudge level, OFF THE SCALE and that’s just me.
The high point (🤯🤯🤯) of the week has to be poor Hawklad having to stay in the exam room for an extra hour after the first exam had finished while IT tried to fix a misbehaving printer. National rules state that if you use a computer to complete an exam then the student has to stay in the exam room until each typed sheet has been signed and dated. The teachers were really apologetic but they had to follow the rules.
The other highlight has to be me printing out what was a highly rated article on ASPERGERS and then sat scratching my head why the article appeared to be a cooking recipe. I did find out how to make ASPARAGUS creamy parcels.
Barmy Brexit or down to a few inclement weather days in Spain. For whatever the reason, many of Britain’s supermarkets have quite a few gaps on the shelves these days and what products are there has become way more expensive.
This week I was plodding around our local store, a store that was looking even more barren than usual. Hardly any gluten free cereal, no cough medicine, hardly any fresh veg, no eggs, no ……
That kinda thing.
But I was ok, humming away to the store’s choice of music this fine day. Beatles, Rolling Stones, Al Stewart. If stuff isn’t there then chill out. We have soup. We have chocolate. We have crisps. We have sausages.
Then it all changed.
Mood darkened.
Then it was definitely NOT OK.
Remember The Simpsons Movie and what finally set off the urban powder keg.
We’re OUT OF COFFEE…..
I was stood in the coffee isle. It was an empty as my so called football teams trophy cabinet. The only pods they had for my coffee machine was Chocolate and Ovaltine…. Come on the secret is in the product name, it’s a COFFEE MACHINE. George Clooney certainly won’t be happy as well as his brand’s section was was completely empty. I heard one equally desperate shopper ask a manager who reassuringly informed him that there had been no coffee stock in the delivery lorries in over a week now. So even going caffeine old school isn’t looking good as well. A few jars of cheap decaf on the shelves and that was it. Definitely NO ESPRESSO. My Blood Caffeine levels are already dropping dangerously low.
We’re OUT OF COFFEE……
Suddenly the store blasting out the Beach Boys is seriously the last thing I want to hear. The only ‘good vibrations’ here is me rapidly entering cold coffee turkey.
I know coffee isn’t good for me. I felt much healthier when I gave the stuff up for 6 months. But currently it’s helping me keep going on not enough sleep. Let’s get Hawklad through his exams and the stress levels should subside. Maybe then I can come off the caffeine but NOT right now. So until Amazon delivers emergency supplies then it’s plan b. Shed loads of chocolate. Thankfully the store had plenty of Cadbury products to load up the trolley with.
The Poor Daffs are taking a right weather pounding and yet they are still going strong. Definitely hardy souls. A varied learning/revision day for Hawklad.
Vectors,
UK River Landscapes,
Romeo and Juliet,
Cell Specialisation,
The 1846 Mormon Migration (Revision)
All in just over TWO HOURS…. If you read the blurb that school sends out, Hawklad should be doing a minimum 4 hours revision on every school day and a minimum 7 hours on a non school day.
****some parents might disagree with the next bit****
Learning and revision surely needs to be tailored around the individual needs and characteristics of the pupil. Some might suit the 7 hours of academia each day, others not so. The homeschooling of Hawklad over the last few years has revealed many things, one of which is…
Hawklad has a sweet spot for learning of up to 3 hours a day. Up to 3 hours and things go in, but quickly after that and his learning potential drops off a cliff. He gets rapidly tired and frustrated. His anxiety levels begin to spike. Connections aren’t made, facts don’t go in and they certainly don’t stay in. He even starts to struggle and get confused with the information he had earlier learnt so well.
7 hours of revision slog would just be counterproductive for him.
So we made a decision, Hawklad works for 3 hours max each day. Yes it limits what we can cover but surely quality is so much more important than quantity. Surely his well-being has to be paramount. Exams cannot be everything.
It’s a hard life on the pet sofa. Boys will be boys.
I’m writing this in my so called car listening to a bit of deep and meaningful art, an art form called Whitesnake. Here is a random fact, that band’s lead vocalist worked in a fashion clothes shop which was next to my Dentist torture site. That Dentist was an ex army, old school medic and it showed. The caring nature of Rambo who has just found out that Arnie has much bigger biceps than him. That Dentist practice was horrible. But to be fair to him after every horrible, painful appointment he would make his one allowance to being a member of the human race. It was his attempt to be nice, to be caring. He would let you pick out a lollipop from the sweet jar, I guess it was all about keeping business healthy…
Anyway I’m parked up in a community library parking place. Hawklad is having his FIRST one to one, direct bit of teaching since March 2020. We have been after this since then but school just haven’t been able to free up teaching resources. Well now, two months from Hawklad’s final exams it’s happening. Unfortunately it won’t cover all the subjects due to teaching resource constraints, the sessions if they can continue will be sporadic. After Science, History and Geography were excluded from these sessions the focus was supposed to be on both English and Maths. Unfortunately school have dropped Maths now. Apparently someone has walked out on school and they won’t be replaced until after the exams.
But at least it’s something. Any helping hand is a good hand.
A Teaching Assistant will be providing a short session covering a bit of English and a bit of exam techniques. I wonder if they will cover any of the areas we have requested. I really hope it helps Hawklad.
Looking at Hawklad’s face as he went into the Library he had the same terrified look that I must have had visiting that Psychotic Dentist, just WAY WORSE. This is so not easy for him, he is so close to an anxiety meltdown. It shows just how little contact he has had with school staff, zero relationships have been established. It’s probably also a reflection of just how painful an experience this school has been for him.
Let’s just hope that like my trips to the dentist, he can put this behind him and actually he gets something out of it. In my case with the Dentist at lease I got some dodgy chemical filled fillings and a sugary lollipop. I want so much more for him. I just want him to feel at ease with life and be happy.
Why is it that in Jurassic Movie World, behind the enclosure gate that has been accidentally left open, there is always the really psychotic, crazed, huge teethed, killing machine. A now free monster that also happens to be really pissed off. It’s never the fluffy, happy, petting zoo Dino called Daisy who is desperate for a cuddle.
When the monster called Slasher has escaped and is after lots of blood, the Jurassic Workers suddenly have that look on their faces. Terrified, slightly vacant and most definitely lost. This week I had exactly the same facial expression when I ventured into my very own Jurassic land, otherwise known as The Apple Store and Service Centre. My version of the terrifying monster called Slasher was two overly helpful and enthusiastic Store Techies. I had just handed them my poorly Apple Device and the mayhem had begun.
I was trying to mask my confusion and terror by nodding profusely while making various hesitant grunting noises. It really shouldn’t be like this, just a few decades back I got my Masters Degree in Computing. I had started a Doctorate in Techie Stuff. But just like the Jurassic Worker now being eyeballed by hungry Slasher, the world had changed and not for the better. Now I can’t even figure out the TV remote control and please don’t ever ask me about the programme settings on our Japanese Washing Machine. Apple Technology is the stuff of Harry Potter Magic to me.
I had no idea what the two Apple Techies were trying to explain to me. Even more disconcerting was how they had clearly disabled all my device security settings in less than 10 seconds. They did eventually ask me to put in a password but I had the feeling that was just to make me feel invested in the process. Even that brought shame. The Apple Experts trying to show me that my way of screen navigating which takes about 15 steps could be done in a flash with the flick of one finger in a certain direction.
Quickly my device was dismantled. How can the Apple Bods talk and do this so quickly. It used to take me hours to dismantle a computer, never mind trying to talk at the same time. Then rather disconcertingly my dismantled device was instantly paired with a Store iPad and clearly the two devices were talking to one another. My device was basically telling on me, describing just how rubbish a user I had been to it. In computer binary the clear message was ‘this prehistoric bloke still uses pen and paper’. Oh the shame, I could feel the life force draining out of me. It all seemed a bit too much like Terminator for my liking.
Then thankfully I was out in the city streets. We do some fun streets here…… Like me, old fashioned.
Out in the rain with just a piece of paper in my hand. That kinda disappointed me, just a paper copy of a service note, I was expecting Apple to use something like a virtual 3D holographic document thingy. Anyway, I was completely at a loss whether my device was getting repaired or was getting binned by Apple. As it later turned out, a Replacement Device was being sourced, so it was getting binned. Fortunately binned within the warranty period. Another shiny new Apple Device to shout at.
Through this process I actually realised something. Wow those Apple Techies were enthusiastic. They clearly were completely at home and loving Technology Land. Can I even venture to suggest that they seemed to LOVE their job. I contrasted that to MY backstory. One day, decades ago, I woke and realised that Computing was basically monumentally, mind numbingly boring to me. With that realisation, I walked out on my Doctorate. Techie stuff never sparked me, never remotely came close. That has to be the key for me. Find things that bring a SPARK into my life and run with them. I have really not done that enough and if I start doing that then just maybe, I will be less likely to feel so pigging lost in life.
A new walk for the two of us in North Yorkshire, we are so blessed to live here. So many places to breathe.
Although I think these shelters aren’t going to be much cop against our tropical weather….
Three days since school returned from a week off and not one single communication from a teacher. Nothing. Maybe School has given up any pretence of supporting Hawklad now.
Deep Sigh….
I was thinking back to how naïve I was just a few years ago. I kinda still assumed that life, parenting, everything, was perfectly logical, straightforward, fathomable.
Did I really think that.
What a monumental muppet.
Now I know. I know how I feel. Tired, confused, battered, walking through life’s avenues seemingly wading through unremittingly thick, bucket loads of treacle – seriously hard work.
Why was all this such a surprise to me, I just needed to look back at my parents. Bringing up 5 children, both parents having to work to try and make ends meet. Trying to maintain an old battered house which had an outside toilet and one coal fire for heating. The only holiday they enjoyed was the very rare day trip to the beach at either Saltburn or Whitby. I’m not sure they ever truly figured out their youngest child, ME, I was baffling to them. My parents trying to do all this while coping with a failed, dysfunctional marriage.
I bet they felt a lot like I do, like many of us do. Worn down, tired, disillusioned, perpetually bewildered.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 