We were watching an old James Bond movie with a long scene filmed in Switzerland.
“Dad, even James Bond stuff looks better in Switzerland….”
I couldn’t disagree. That set me off again thinking about how amazing a life in that beautiful country would be.
Fast forward to early this morning. Sat outside with a coffee trying to cool down after more exercise torture. Yorkshire was grey, misty but at least almost dry. Did I mention that Yorkshire is great for COOL DOWNS, no need for ice baths here, just hot drinks…. Then a thought hit me, even the coffee tastes better in Switzerland.
Barmy Brexit or down to a few inclement weather days in Spain. For whatever the reason, many of Britain’s supermarkets have quite a few gaps on the shelves these days and what products are there has become way more expensive.
This week I was plodding around our local store, a store that was looking even more barren than usual. Hardly any gluten free cereal, no cough medicine, hardly any fresh veg, no eggs, no ……
That kinda thing.
But I was ok, humming away to the store’s choice of music this fine day. Beatles, Rolling Stones, Al Stewart. If stuff isn’t there then chill out. We have soup. We have chocolate. We have crisps. We have sausages.
Then it all changed.
Mood darkened.
Then it was definitely NOT OK.
Remember The Simpsons Movie and what finally set off the urban powder keg.
We’re OUT OF COFFEE…..
I was stood in the coffee isle. It was an empty as my so called football teams trophy cabinet. The only pods they had for my coffee machine was Chocolate and Ovaltine…. Come on the secret is in the product name, it’s a COFFEE MACHINE. George Clooney certainly won’t be happy as well as his brand’s section was was completely empty. I heard one equally desperate shopper ask a manager who reassuringly informed him that there had been no coffee stock in the delivery lorries in over a week now. So even going caffeine old school isn’t looking good as well. A few jars of cheap decaf on the shelves and that was it. Definitely NO ESPRESSO. My Blood Caffeine levels are already dropping dangerously low.
We’re OUT OF COFFEE……
Suddenly the store blasting out the Beach Boys is seriously the last thing I want to hear. The only ‘good vibrations’ here is me rapidly entering cold coffee turkey.
I know coffee isn’t good for me. I felt much healthier when I gave the stuff up for 6 months. But currently it’s helping me keep going on not enough sleep. Let’s get Hawklad through his exams and the stress levels should subside. Maybe then I can come off the caffeine but NOT right now. So until Amazon delivers emergency supplies then it’s plan b. Shed loads of chocolate. Thankfully the store had plenty of Cadbury products to load up the trolley with.
According to the map, there is supposed to be a path here.
Well I couldn’t find it. As Hawklad put it….
“Where’s Indiana Jones when you need him.”
Apparently in the new Indiana Movie, they make him look decades younger. I wonder if I could buy some of that magic from the Supermarket, I definitely need it. Wow, who is that bloke I see looking back at me in the mirror every morning. George Clooney is older than me, how does he do it, maybe it’s the coffee he drinks.
Yet I’ve been drinking coffee for decades and I’M STILL WAITING for any kind of Clooney effect. Now if it was signs of the CLUELESS effect, we’ll that would be a totally different story. I’ve got shed loads of those signs.
The Completely Clueless, So Not Clooney ME reached new levels this Mad March. I just couldn’t balance the work monthly payroll. Who was I missing. I just hadn’t paid out enough.
Oh hang on. I didn’t pay ME. What a monumental Clueless Wazzock.
Maybe that is all that coffee will ever give me. Ineptness and a morning mirror jump scare. But I guess there is always hope.
Next time you bump into George, can you ask him how he does it.
Today like the last few mornings has been wet and bleak. So let’s visit slightly brighter days. When do I ever look back….
So one week left of this school term. That’s another term of school at home. I think that’s something like 69 weeks worth of homeschooling. I quickly ran out of fingers and toes so don’t hold me to that. 69 weeks. Wow. Does that qualify as a teacher now…..
Sadly no.
Does that qualify me as someone who had the faintest idea what he was doing during most of those 69 weeks……
Sadly no.
Does that qualify me as a parent who is deeply regretting giving caffeine up just a few weeks before those 69 weeks started……
Most definitely.
If someone had mentioned that the days of school runs, trail runs, shopping runs, running around at the office, would suddenly stop. If someone would have whispered that suddenly my physical contact with the outside world would go on hold. On hold not just for days or months. But years. YEARS NOW. I can guarantee that black coffee consumption would never have ceased, if anything it would have gone through the roof.
So 69 weeks of caffeine free homeschooling. Who saw that coming. I didn’t. If week 70 is anything like week 69 then I will be hitting the espresso BIG TIME…….
I’m a simple bloke. I don’t have many talents. Not many redeeming features. It’s actually a good job that I look like a cross between George Clooney and Thor then….. 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Today one of the lessons Hawklad had to work through was in an area that I’m trained in. I can actually do this. But rather than a rare chance to show off I ended up shaking my head. It was that bad that I had my first real coffee in months.
What on earth are they teaching our children….
Who is deciding on the areas to learn…..
On what planet do they think that this is the best way to learn…..
Does anyone have the faintest clue if any child is ever going to need this information…..
Basically the lesson focused on the wrong areas, was highly selective, contained inaccuracies and was out of date. The potentially interesting and useful areas basically ignored. The mundane and least worthwhile areas most definitely focused on.
Is it the teacher – Maybe, maybe not. It is the national curriculum – DEFINITELY.
I’m seriously cheesed off with education. Maybe I should join the farmer and play Minecraft. Hawklad would definitely be better off playing that computer game than wasting his time on that lesson.
Lack of sleep does strange things to the mind and body. It took me 30 minutes into a yoga session before that the odd sensation I was experiencing was attributed to me putting on my compression shorts back to front. If only it stopped there.
I decided I needed a milky and sweet coffee to get me going. The sugar is next to the kettle. So what sleep induced madness sent me to the cupboard. Made me reach out and grab a large bag. Open that bag. Carefully add two spoonfuls of the white powder into my drink. Then stir and stir. Rather puzzled at the enfolding congealed mess. Then taste what was clearly something approaching wallpaper paste.
Only a lack of sleep ends with self raising flour being added to coffee.
How I start the day makes such a massive difference to me. My day seems to go better if I exercise early in the morning rather than after lunch. Get my breakfast right and my dieting becomes easier. Avoid caffeine first thing and I feel less on edge for the rest of the day.
But there is one morning thing above anything else that has the biggest impact on my day.
How I wake up.
Do I wake up under my own steam or am I suddenly woken by some external factor. The pesky alarm…..
If I wake up naturally, even if that’s after a night of little sleep then I’m usually good to go. The day seems in synch. Even nights without any sleep at all, I find work ok for me. I can do this single parenting gig.
But if the alarm brings me abruptly to life and it’s all so very much different. Today was like that. Not much sleep until after 5am and then I crash out. All too soon the noisy alarm ends the dreams. But it has not brought the real me to life, it’s the zombie version of me. I can barely function, certainly can’t think straight, parenting is seemingly beyond me. That feeling of being completely out of synch stays with me all day. These are the days I really struggle to overcome depression.
Wow how tired did I feel this morning. Definitely the Yorkshire Zombie. I just couldn’t wake up which is just perfect on the first school at home day for over week. I could just about manage walking into walls, nothing else. In a desperate attempt to wake up before I might be needed to check Pythagorean calculations I crawled outside. The fresh cold air and a coffee would spoon the business. It was only after a couple of minutes that I realised that the mug with the steaming hot coffee was still in the kitchen. I had brought out the jar of instant coffee……
Clearly under 3 hours sleep is not enough. The frustrating thing is that my mind is whirling too fast at night and virtually not at all in the morning. If only that was the other way round. As hard a I try sleep is will only come to me around 4am. Sadly on a school day the alarm goes at 630am.
You know it’s going to be a long day when you wake up as a zombie. You stumble into the kitchen. You switch on the kettle. Then you get a bright flash and a deafening bang. The kettle joins the long line of broken appliances. A nice cup of cold water doesn’t quite cure zombieism as well as a dark brooding cup of coffee sludge. So we struggle on in a permanent haze.
Simple work tasks suddenly became modern day Rubik cube tortures.
Attaching a new belt to the hoover – a five minute job usually turned out to be as difficult as splitting an atom.
Trying to organise a few appointments for our son – might as well have been trying to schedule the next Guns and Roses World Tour.
Trying to activate my new Bank Card over the phone was equivalent of trying to authenticate nuclear launch codes.
A simple freeze wrap food parcel took on the same properties as Adamantium. My lunch wasn’t going to get consumed today.
Unbelievably the sun made an appearance for two hours this afternoon. Just enough time to take the dog for a reasonably dry walk and cut the the grass. Only just enough time. Sat looking at a unresponsive lawnmower for thirty minutes. The last ten of those minutes involved a carefully selected fault finding approach involving a hammer and my boot. Eventually the penny dropped and I realised that it would actually help if I inserted the 36v battery into the cordless mower. As I get older I become more like Daddy Pig from Peppa Pig. Luckily I just about finished the lawn before the weather closed in. The next rain event has now arrived. Looking at the forecast the next lawn cutting window is probably well into 2020.
So today was a bit of a write off. Strangely microwaved coffee doesn’t seem to taste so good. Boiling water on the oven just takes too long – sorry mum and dad. So tomorrow will start with another cup of cold water. Then it’s an urgent trip to the shops for a non exploding kettle.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 