While Hawklad had a sleep in I pushed the boat out just a little. A one minute walk to the churchyard. Yes it was a very short walk in the scheme of things but it felt like a different world. Just to see different sights. Experience a little bit more of the world. An important reminder that there is much more to life than our little house and garden.
A few seconds to lean against the very old wall and breathe.
Then it’s back home all too soon. Back behind the castle walls. Return to our little family lockdown. Virtually all of 2021 looks like it will be spent in the house and garden. But just maybe I can sneak out occasionally. Even if it’s just a few yards to the churchyard. It will be good to breathe.
It’s Sunday so it must be time for our weekly virtual trip to beautiful Switzerland. This wonderful little country has been a special holiday destination for our family for a couple of generations now. Life has happened and that family is much changed now. Much smaller. Now the baton of Alpine Trips is really just lies with Hawklad and me. We must find a way of keeping that tradition going. Why?
Because family tradition is so important. Once it’s gone it’s gone….
Because Switzerland is so special and so worth it…..
Sadly 2021 doesn’t look like being a year where we can venture those 1000 miles again. It’s been 5 years now since our last trip. So let’s keep those memories strong until life opens up again and once more a family trip to alpine heaven can happen again.
It’s not often I get a free work of art left on the car window. On closer inspection I realised just how intricate and special the work of nature was.
I could so easily have missed this. A few hours later it may have melted.
It’s such a great reminder for me that even though I’m living in a much restricted world that there is still much to experience. I can make this work. I just need to remember to open my eyes and continue to dream.
It’s been almost a year since I stood near a river. Well over a year since I stood by a lake. Won’t be long before it’s two years since I stood in the Sea.
I was looking out over the fields, trees and hills. I started to yearn for a River. A lake. The Sea. To look at, to stand next next to or even better. To stand in the water.
That’s why that little rain water flood pool that forms in the farm is such a big thing for me. It reminds me of that feeling. Of better times. Of freedom.
It’s a hard life…. And yes that sofa has been shredded by cat claws.
It got just a little harder, certainly on the hands, knees and back of the trousers…..
The only trip I get out a day is to walk the dog on the back farmers field. It’s normally just me, a dog and the sheep. But over the last few days one or two other walkers have appeared. This has changed the dynamics for Hawklad. Now he is not comfortable with me walking with the dog down the short, narrow alleyway to get to the field.
So the only way to keep venturing out is to climb our back fence AND then deal with the barbed wire obstacle.
Too high to step over. Do I jump or crawl under it.
Yep life has just got that little harder. Definitely more risky for the back of the trousers and what they are covering…..
We watched the Pixar movie SOUL last night. Felt like perfect timing. Trying not to give the movie away but it makes you think about life and what it means to you. Its really good, funny in places and sad in others. At times I found it uncomfortable as it was a little to close to home for me.
I came away from the 100 minutes thinking
Life is maybe not about the things I thought it was about (confirmed what I’ve been thinking for a while now)
Actually what are the things in life that make me spark and feel alive
Just how time is wasted
Fears of looking back at life and regretting lost opportunities
I can still grasp those opportunities…..
A few hours later and I’m still reflecting on SOUL. Life and the pandemic have kind of hemmed me in (hemmed many of us in). We have been in our own lockdown for almost a year now. Likely to be in lockdown for much of 2021. Time is to precious to just be content with performing endless holding patterns until life changes again. Have to find ways to live TODAY…
Don’t worry. No need for the panic room. It’s the other baking…..
Sometimes it’s hard to drag the body out of the warm bed and into the baking hot Yorkshire winter weather. I know what’s likely to greet me when I do finally get to the back room and my exercise bike.
It’s potentially colder in this room than it is outside. And it’s certainly cold outside.
I remember the days of jumping on the bike in pretty short shorts and a thin running top. At present it’s 97 layers, gloves and two wooly hats. I’ve got that many layers in that I have to peddle for at least a minute before my very outside legging layer starts to move.
Today the water and energy drinks have been replaced with hot chocolate and a hot water bottle.
So I was on my exercise bike and feeling like I was in an icy snow hole. What I couldn’t make me mind up about was….
Was the iced up windows annoyingly blocking the view of the outside world
Was the iced up window forming a useful barrier, blocking out the reality of the outside world.
In the end I decided it was a bit of both.
Sorry going to milk our temporary farmers field lake for photos while it’s here. It does make such a difference to the view.
Time does make a difference. Look at schools. On Monday morning our PM said schools were completely safe and parents should send them there right away. Monday evening suddenly according to the same PM schools were clearly vectors for transmission and had to close immediately. Then on Tuesday the very same PM said schools were completely safe again but unfortunately staying shut. Having said that he has a track record of this. The man who championed Brexit to become leader likes to forget that before that he said “I would vote to stay in the single market (EU). I’m in favour of the single market”…..
So things can clearly change. One day I was one of two parents, the next I crashed into single parenting and the world of bereavement. Things can change.
But here’s the thing when they do change THEY CAN ALSO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. That’s why there is always hope. Good things can still happen. So yes I’m struggling through a period or depression. Yes it feels like Groundhog Day. But it can change.
I can do this. We can do this.
I would vote to stay in the single market. I’m in favour of the single market
Do I fancy walking through that. Captain Chaos most definitely does. Maybe even squeeze in a good roll about in that glorious mud. It would certainly be a cold experience.
So the first day of the National Lockdown has passed by. To be fair I didn’t notice much change. Didn’t see any one walking on the street and the fields remained empty. Hardly any traffic on the roads. Spookily quiet. But actually it was like that before the lockdown started. That’s village life for you. So I seemingly had the world to myself as I walked the dog early in the morning. It was a good time to think and contemplate life.
If 2021 is another year of isolation, which it could be….
What do I want out of this year?
Here’s the thing about depression with me. It clouds my mind with so many negative thoughts. Makes me look back anxiously rather than look forward with hope. So on this particular dog walk the ‘what do I want’ question wasn’t yielding the uplifting messages that it should have. Best I could manage wasn’t much more than
- Not completely messing up the homeschooling gig,
- Trying not to put on weight,
- Keeping the bank off my back,
- Hanging on to what I have,
- Not losing my marbles,
- Trying not to go backwards,
- Just surviving….
All too negative. So yes I have much to work on. But I will. Can’t thank my friends here enough. You have been so supportive, caring and encouraging. Thank you ❤️. Because of you I feel more confident that I will find my way again. Then I can walk the dog across the fields and come up with more uplifting goals.
WE can do this.
Walking towards the light. That sounds like a plan…..
So we kind of know what’s happening with school over the next few weeks. Well sort of.
School will be shut on Monday. Then this week pupils will be at home working through tasks that have been set for the week. Only minimal teaching support will be available as teachers will be trying to help volunteers in ensuring every child is self tested for covid. That’s just a one off test.
The week after some pupils will be back in the classroom. For Hawklads year they will be working from home. The full online teaching system will be switched on for the week. Teachers will do the full lesson programme fully online.
The week after all pupils will return to the classroom and the online teaching system will be switched off.
For Hawklad what does that mean. Well for a start he is not going back in January. So he would be home come what May. For the first week of term he is likely to get more work as all his classmates will be at home. The second week will see Hawklad get his first lessons since July as the online teaching system will be live. After that we go back to how we were before Christmas. Kind of just winging it. Maybe worse as the one member of staff who really tried to help has now left.
Why do I get a sinking feeling…