What is it

Million’s of years of evolution, survival of the fittest and we get to this. I’m not sure how I would describe this. Hairy, messy, scruffy, bizarre, bouffant, lazy, crazy wig, fur ball explosion.

Clearly he is taking his guard dog duties seriously. Like a coiled spring primed to leap into action.

But even when he is comatosed he makes you smile. Makes you forget how crap life is some days. And another key point. I can guarantee that when he does return to our world then his eyes will open and that tail will go into hyper action. Unconditional love – maybe just for his toy crocodile but it’s still love. But given that seriously geared up tail no wonder Muttley could fly.

So you return with the physio’s words ringing in your ear

I’m not so saying never again but just don’t expect to be running anytime soon.

That’s feels like another kick in the nether regions. Yet within a few seconds a hairy bundle of smelly dogness has managed to banish those thoughts. When you look around you can find stuff that makes you smile and makes you feel alive again. Keep looking and you just might find that Hulk Buster Suit.

Thank goodness for pets….

Monster Movies

I’ve just pitched this blockbuster monster movie to Marvel. I think it’s a winner. Works on so many levels especially emotional.

My deepest apologies – clearly I have now lost the plot. Officially cracked now. To such an extent that we are going to build our own movie franchise up over the coming months.

We need more silly days

National Clear Your Clutter Day. What other useful or strange days exist in our wacky races type of world. Today is apparently Hamburger Day. Tomorrow is Learn about Composting Day – I defer to Rory for all things to do with composting. Before I start getting a bit Monty Python some national days are truly great ideas.

Zero Discrimination Day – 1st March

World Wildlife Day – 3rd March

World Autism Awareness Day – 2nd April

World Red Cross Day – 8th May

World Environment Day – 5th June

World Refugee Day – 20th June

Then you get some other days…. Some other notable days include

National Hug Your Cat Day – 4th June …. that’s for the brave amongst us

National Donald Duck Day – 9th June

National Take Your Cat to Work Day – 19th June ….. that’s a good idea

National Kissing Day – 22nd June

National Fried Chicken Day – 6th July

World Emoji Day – 17th July

National Hammock Day – 22nd July

National Avocado Day – 31st July

Spider-Man Day – 1st August

National Sponge Cake Day – 23rd August

You get the picture.

So it got the two of us thinking about what days we would introduce. Some of these might already exist but that would confirm many things in my mind. The really astute of you might be able to work out who came up with some of these ideas.

21st June Trim my beard day – as it’s National Kissing Day on the 22nd

23rd June What was the point of a trimming my beard day – as it’s the day after National Kissing Day

National bring your Pokemon to Work Day

National let Newcastle United win a Trophy Day

Go to the Supermarket dressed as Ironman Day.

International Hug a Nettle Day

International Captain Scarlet Day

National Let a Pet run your country day

International Sing Like Alvin the Chipmunks Day

Beetroot, Brussels Sprouts and Cauliflower Purge Day

National only eat Tomato Ketchup Day

International Loki Day

National Take your Gerbils to a Toilet Roll Factory Day

International Burn Your Socks Day

The International don’t cut your grass YEAR

International Act like a Superhero or Galactic Villain Day.

National Don’t Get Lost Day

International Smurf Day

National Take photos of pretty yellow flowers while accidentally standing in dog poo Day

National Take Ozzy Osbourne for a Pizza Day

National Take Ozzy Osbourne to the Alamo Day … you might get arrested with this one

International Your Dog doesn’t dig your garden up Day

National Dress up like Inspector Gadget Day

National Pamper a Mole Day so he doesn’t dig up your garden day

Admit you don’t like rhubarb and you live in Yorkshire Day

Wrong End

I needed a break from the mountain of rubbish on my desk this morning. So it was time to take the pup for a walk. Partway round I bumped into a hiker with her dog. As we talked the two dogs played. The poor girl dog could hardly keep up with this hyper active Tasmanian Devil.

As my dog started to smell the girl dogs bottom the hiker said.

My girl hasn’t had the operation so she can still have puppies. But she’s never had any luck. When I say luck she doesn’t seem to let boy dogs get too close to her”

Not sure if she was eyeing Captain Chaos up as a potential suitor. I quickly pointed out.

“The vet talked me out of giving him the snip. Basically because he is such an unusual mix. Vet couldn’t find any recorded cases so maybe it’s just him and one brother and sister. But he is unlikely to have any luck. I’ve tried a good man to man talk but he just doesn’t want to listen.”

She smiled “Oh Why”

On cue he started humping the unfortunate girl dog. The wrong end. It’s always the wrong end. One day he’s going to get a sharp nip in a very delicate area.

That look.

Yes dogs stiff their own butts. Chase their own tail. Roll about in poo. They are happy playing with an old sock or even better a new pair of pants. Yes their antics don’t suggest millions of years of evolution or natural selection of the best genes.

However…..

When it comes to getting round their human owners – they are off the scale. Nothing on this planet comes remotely close.

This is the face of a dog who doesn’t want to go out in the rain. Guess what. It worked again.

Bath time

Some pets are clean and tidy. Some pets are not. Some pets are dogs…

Captain Chaos won’t pass up the opportunity to roll in any unsavoury object. Mud, cat poo, soil, bird poo, grass, sheep poo, hay, cow poo…. You get the picture. You get the musty aroma.

Cometh the smell, cometh the bath. The dog bath doesn’t last long. Most of the water ends up on the floor, the walls, the windows, the ceiling, on me. Then you do your best to dry him then it’s release the mad one and he’s fully into his even madder 10 minutes of madness. Followed by you have guessed it, some more rolling about…..

It’s the early hours. We need a bit of a lift so in 4 hours son will get up and off we go to see an early morning (and hopefully relatively empty) screening of The Avengers – End Game. A screening starting at 6.30am – how mad is that. Thanos will still be in his pyjamas.

Get on your back..

It’s been a ‘on your back’ sort of day.

Not just for the pets.

First we played football in the garden. Son wasn’t keen on using his boots so I dug out mine as well. As a I put my boots on I warned son that they would be hard to walk with on the pavement. He was fine but I perfectly demonstrated the point by going ‘arse over tit’.

About an hour later I was again on my back. This time I made the mistake of trying to walk on our bathroom floor with just socks on. Sheet ice is easier to walk on.

While I was on my back I spotted a sheet of paper under a sideboard. It was a photocopy of a checklist school had given us years ago. A checklist about Aspergers. Son was keen to see how he compared to the bullet points.

Social interaction
Children with Asperger’s disorder might:

  • start interactions with others but have difficulty keeping a conversation going – rarely now
  • interact with people if they need something or want to talk about something that interests them, but not because they’re genuinely interested in other people – never
  • interact in an awkward and stilted way – for example, they might avoid eye contact while speaking or interpret things literally – sometimes
  • interact more easily with adults than with children – rarely now
  • not show emotion or empathy. – rarely

Communication and language
Children with Asperger’s disorder might:

  • be very verbal – for example, they might label everything in a room – sometimes
  • join words together at the usual developmental stage (around two years) – sometimes
  • communicate with others about their own interests –sometimes
  • use a flat or monotone voice – rarely now
  • answer questions, but not ask questions if the topic doesn’t interest them. – sometimes

Repetitive or persistent behaviours
Children with Asperger’s disorder might:

  • have restricted or obsessive interests that make them seem like ‘walking encyclopaedias’ about particular topics – definitely BUT his range of interests is much wider than mine.
  • prefer routines and rules – 100% Definitely
  • not respond well to change. – 100% Definitely

As you can see the checklist was a bit mixed in comparison to our son. All kids (and adults) are different with their own specific traits. And these traits change over time. Also it is common that Aspergers will not just be the only diagnosis – frequently it interacts with other medical and psychological conditions. I’ve not seen a checklist yet which completely ties in with our son. Probably never will.

Maybe one day we will have a go at a specific one for our son. One that takes account of Aspergers, Dyslexia, ADHD, Dyspraxia. But not today – back and buttocks are too bruised for that. But off the top of my head (or from the centre of my bruised posterior) maybe the above checklist could have added:

  • Clumsy
  • Takes language literally
  • Likes lining items up in straight lines
  • Struggles socially when ‘new faces’ are in the room
  • Can be socially anxious
  • Flapping hands
  • Poor fine motor skills
  • Difficulty understanding the concept of time
  • Can become distressed in locations with excessive sensory levels. Noise, bright colours, wall patterns
  • When sensory overload is encountered can go into meltdown

I will leave it at that. Let’s not assume all people with Autism and Aspergers are the same with identical traits. It’s not just stereotyping round Rainman. Equally it’s not just about stereotyping around being geniuses like Einstein. Everyone is unique.

Now it’s time to lie down on my front and rest my battered back…

Plant versus Dog.

I have a soft spot for this particular plant. My mum had it in a container in her little garden. After her stroke she couldn’t get into the garden that often to water it. It looked lonely. Then the world fell in. When I started to clear her house after those 6 weeks of hell in 2016 – I felt sorry for it. I was in a completely unhinged state and I worried that the plant would be discarded. Left to die. Two deaths was more than enough for that pigging year. I started talking to it. I would tell it how bad I felt. How lonely I was. How completely broken I had become. It was literally the only thing I could truly open up to. I had to give up my job to be there for our son. I was so completely isolated. But that plant was there. Eventually when the house was sold I brought it back to our garden and planted it. It started to thrive. Then…

Then the mad pup arrived. Captain Chaos took one look at the garden and decided that this plant was going to be his ‘cock his leg’ plant of choice. Since then it’s been subject to daily dog waterings. If that wasn’t bad enough the pup then decided he could use the plant as an essential part of his escape strategy. So in addition to being constantly pee’d on it has been dug under, dug out, dug round, dug through and used as a canine climbing frame.

Yet it is still here and is still flowering.

I was discussing this resilient life form with our son. All that it has been through, all that it has survived and how it still flowers. Surely it needed a really heroic name.

Son thought for a while and said

I’ve got the perfect name … JEFF”

So meet the amazing Jeff. A survivor from 2016 and a damm fine counsellor to boot.

The Booty

  • 5 socks
  • 2 pairs of pants
  • Coins
  • £5 Note
  • A dinosaur
  • Set of keys
  • A brush
  • A ruler
  • A nail brush
  • A flannel
  • A remote control
  • 2 pens
  • 2 Red Noses
  • Seth Rollins (wrestler)

All found during a fingertip search of the garden. Yesterday the dog was running round the garden with my wallet in his mouth – hence the search.

I cannot provide prima facie evidence. But clear signs of chewing and rushed attempts at burying many of the said items would strongly suggest one particular culprit. I wonder who?