Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 1 Comment

Splendid isolation 

I have always been a very social type of person, enjoying company, enjoying conversations.  That was before the world changed.

Now I spend significant amounts of time on my own.  It’s been one of the biggest adjustments I have had to make as a single parent.  The opportunities to go out into our mad old world just don’t seem to exist now.  It’s coming up to 11 months since my partner died, and in that time I have had two nights out.  One was for a meal with a family from school and the other was a trip with my son to watch the wrestling.   Living in a small village you just don’t see anyone after you return from school.

During the day the splendid isolation continues.  You do the school run in the morning then it’s a combination of housework, shopping and trying to do part time work from home.  Then it’s back to school on the pick up run.  The only regular interaction you get is with other parents at the school gates and the poor postman (I’m sure he could do without this every day).   Today I timed things and I had a 1 minute chat with the poor postie and 7 minutes with other parents.  That’s on top of the 2 minutes I spent on the phone trying to tell a random caller that I didn’t want a new kitchen or windows.   That’s why I treasure the time I get to spend with my son (even when it’s spent talking all things Pokémon). I am genuinely thankful to have the chance to spend time with my son.

 I always kind of recognised how tough it was for single parents, I just didn’t appreciate the isolation which could go with the role.  If I had known about the isolation straight after my partners death I think that it might have sent me over the edge.  Thankfully I’ve been able to adjust to it over the months. Now everything revolves around my son and nothing else really matters.  Living your life through your children.  I listened to someone on the radio who had also lost their partner and they also talked about living their life through the child.  It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only person surviving splendid isolation in this way.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 2 Comments

One or two fonts of wisdom

One of the most perplexing aspects of the single parenting role I’ve found so far is the decision making process.  Over the weekend I’ve agonised over the following vexed problems:

  • Can my young son have a sleep over?
  • Do I get the puppy neutered?
  • Do I get the exploding tumble dryer fixed or replaced?
  • Can my young son watch Suicide Squad as all his friends have?
  • Is it time to buy new bedding?
  • Can my young son have a finger spinner as all his friends have them?
  • Has the oven gone past the point of common deciency and require cleaning?
  • Is it too soon after the world changed to go on holiday? Can we afford to go on holiday? Where to go on holiday? Should we take the puppy with us?
  • Can my son have the new IPad game as all his friends have it?
  • Can we survive the three remaining school weeks with two pairs of now under sized and very worn trousers?
  • Do I save my sons birthday cards or bin them?
  • Which Secondary School does my son go to next year?
  • Has my son got just got a cold or does he need to visit the doctor?
  • Can my son have a new lego figure to replace the one his dad may have accidentally hovered up?

And so it went on…

Before the world changed we would talk these questions through as a couple.  In most cases my partners insight and common sense would guide us to something like a decent answer.  Looking back it seemed so straightforward and rational.

Now it’s just me, its not straightforward and it’s certainly not rational.  I anguish over every decision, with often no guide to help me.  The biggest problem is that I try to second guess what my partner would have said and done.  I still try to come to a joint decision with my deceased partner.  Unfortunately I often would see the world differently to my partner.  I just can’t seem to second guess her great insights and wisdom.  I just can’t replicate her thought process.  As a result decision tend to get delayed, or constantly changed.  When decision are made they are often a compromise between my viewpoint and with my best guess of what my partners viewpoint would have been,  The decisions are often not very good in practice.   Something has to change.

So from now on I’m going to try and trust my own judgement more.  I’m going to try and learn from the mistakes I will make.  My hope is that my young son has inherited his mums insight and he will become my guiding light.  And yes my son did get a replacement lego figure.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 1 Comment

Life on hold

You listen to people who have coped with bereavement and they often talk about the importance of starting to enjoy life again.  Six months on and it feels like everything is on permanent hold.

The football season is almost over and I’ve not been to see one game either at the ground or on tv.

Before the world changed I would go for at least one or two hill walks a month.  Since I lost my partner I have not managed one walk.

Apart from kids stuff I have not seen one film or tv programme apart from the news.

In six months I’ve not had one evening out.

These might seem like petty things but they just add to the feeling of isolation.  It’s not helped by living hours away from my nearest family members.

I know that if I’m going to make the single parenting role work then I need to sort something out.  It’s just currently I can’t see any options.

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 10 Comments

Best decision

I’ve made some awful calls as a single parent but the single best decision was to bring a pet into the house.

For two months after the funeral the house was lifeless and quiet.  Oh so quiet.  To the extent I hated spending time at home.  Speaking to my son he also hated the house, it was just to empty for him.

Then we bit the bullet and I let my son choose a pet.  The puppy arrived and the house became a home again.  The place was in uproar, it was messy and oh so noisy.  It was full of life again and my son started to laugh again.

Best decision in 6 months…

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 3 Comments

If only

For a few years we sometimes would talk about ‘what if’.  We were both relatively healthy and sort of young.  Bad things didn’t happen to us and if they did we would get time to plan.  So we just kept putting things off.  We never got round to getting married (my fault).

The world changed in days and we never got that time to plan.

Subsequently it’s been a nightmare trying to unpick the finances and sort out everything surrounding the will.  That’s time I should have spent focusing on our son.  Financial assistance for the bereaved is available, but it’s all focused on married couples.  You end up feeling like a second class citizen. You can go to some dark places when you lose someone the last thing you need is “you should have for married” line.

 

Posted on by bereavedandbeingasingleparent · 11 Comments

6 months ago – world changes

I was with my sole mate for 17 years.  We had a great life with our young son. K was the perfect mum and I was an ok dad.  Life was good.

Then 6 months ago my partner goes for a routine visit to the doctor. Hours later she is in hospital for tests and one day later I’m told that she has no more than a couple of weeks to live. Four weeks later I’m picking up her ashes.

Single parent (not prepared for this) and trying to grieve (not prepared for this).  I’m not sure I can do this.

Well 6 months later:

– I’m still not sure I can do this

– I still haven’t found the single parent manual

– I still haven’t grieved properly

– Still pretty rubbish at being a single parent

– Life and career still in turmoil

But

– My kid seems to be doing sort of ok

– I haven’t destroyed the house (apart from the washing machine)

– And I’m still here