One of the most perplexing aspects of the single parenting role I’ve found so far is the decision making process.  Over the weekend I’ve agonised over the following vexed problems:

• Can my young son have a sleep over?
• Do I get the puppy neutered?
• Do I get the exploding tumble dryer fixed or replaced?
• Can my young son watch Suicide Squad as all his friends have?
• Is it time to buy new bedding?
• Can my young son have a finger spinner as all his friends have them?
• Has the oven gone past the point of common deciency and require cleaning?
• Is it too soon after the world changed to go on holiday? Can we afford to go on holiday? Where to go on holiday? Should we take the puppy with us?
• Can my son have the new IPad game as all his friends have it?
• Can we survive the three remaining school weeks with two pairs of now under sized and very worn trousers?
• Do I save my sons birthday cards or bin them?
• Which Secondary School does my son go to next year?
• Has my son got just got a cold or does he need to visit the doctor?
• Can my son have a new lego figure to replace the one his dad may have accidentally hovered up?

And so it went on…

Before the world changed we would talk these questions through as a couple.  In most cases my partners insight and common sense would guide us to something like a decent answer.  Looking back it seemed so straightforward and rational.

Now it’s just me, its not straightforward and it’s certainly not rational.  I anguish over every decision, with often no guide to help me.  The biggest problem is that I try to second guess what my partner would have said and done.  I still try to come to a joint decision with my deceased partner.  Unfortunately I often would see the world differently to my partner.  I just can’t seem to second guess her great insights and wisdom.  I just can’t replicate her thought process.  As a result decision tend to get delayed, or constantly changed.  When decision are made they are often a compromise between my viewpoint and with my best guess of what my partners viewpoint would have been,  The decisions are often not very good in practice.   Something has to change.

So from now on I’m going to try and trust my own judgement more.  I’m going to try and learn from the mistakes I will make.  My hope is that my young son has inherited his mums insight and he will become my guiding light.  And yes my son did get a replacement lego figure.