Couple of hours to ponder life as Hawklad takes an exam at a local college. Passed quite a few dog walkers along these tree lined avenues. A couple of thoughts struck me….
Many of the dog walkers looked so stressed out. Polite but no many smiles. Some talking on phones, some head down looking like they had the weight of the world upon them, some purposely keeping their distance.
Yet every single dog looked happy. Tails wagging, some carrying sticks, some chasing balls., some diving in and out of the undergrowth. All keen for attention and a stroke as they passed by.
The dust is now settling on what feels like a new world. A while back Hawklad had his last bit of support from the Child Mental Health Team. As the threshold for Adult Support is so high and because there is actually no equivalent Adult service, that’s it. The need doesn’t suddenly go away as a birthday is reached, but in the UK, the service does.
It was odd, I wasn’t sure what to expect with the last appointment. Maybe a number to call if he really needs support, maybe some pointers where he could seek help, maybe a support website, a handful of support guides. But in reality it was a simple ‘best of luck’ and you will need to speak to your Doctor if you need help from now on. However Hawklad had already been warned that most Doctors support will be limited to Mindfulness Leaflet and the offer of Antidepressants.
Yes I’m concerned for Hawklad going forward but my heart really goes out to those who need way more support and suddenly find themselves cut adrift. I heard it described as a Trapeze artist who is performing a routine and suddenly finds the safety net missing. Maybe but just maybe the safety net is also there for the artist who can’t even make it onto the high wire. The artist who is struggling to even leave the house, struggling to function in daily life.
Without health support it’s down to self help, family and friends, thankfully Hawklad has some of that around him. But we need to recognise that most of us are not trained health professionals, effectively relying on a Wikipedia knowledge base. But at least it’s still support, importantly support that cares.
BUT many who are struggling are on their own, without any kind of local or specialised support. That can’t be right.
The weather isn’t playing ball but the flowers have had enough, they are starting to bloom.
Just need the sun now….
It might be a bit of a wait for that ….
Excessive handwashing,
Excessive clothes changing,
Excessive need for reassurance,
Excessive need to order and arrange things,
Excessive need to check and recheck things,
Excessive hoarding.
I was told by a Paediatrician that OCD was one of the potential anxieties that we should look out for with Hawklad. As a toddler he was obsessed with lining toy animals and cars in increasingly long straight lines. Apparently that can be a forewarning of later life OCD and an early flag of Autism. The Paediatrician said for unknown reasons there is a link. I think he said that 2% of the population can experience severe OCD, for Autism the percentage jumps to 20%.
Whatever the reasons, whatever the numbers, OCD has a huge impact on daily life, it ramps up anxiety and stress levels. It does with Hawklad. If anything the OCD grows. Sadly up to now the advice and support with OCD can be best described by the phrase
Best of luck with that….
It’s often down to individuals and families to try to chart a path through these never ending storms. Trying to find ideas, anything to try.
Sometimes you need to get out to breathe, take stock, maybe even forget a few things for a while.
In less than 2 months Hawklad’s final school exams begin. I kinda gave one of those Paddington Bear penetrating LOOKS to someone from his school when they referred to Hawklad having an easier exam ride than many other pupils.
Some won’t see a problem with what comes next and what do I know anyway.…
When the exams start, Hawklad will have 20 exams and one video assessment to complete in just under 4 weeks.
TWENTY……
And that’s an EASIER ride. Doesn’t seem very easy to Hawklad.
It’s been over 2 years of Hawklad being off from school. Over two years of trying to replicate what is going on in the classroom, from a living room 12 miles away. In all that time the link with school has been hit and miss. But this week was the first time we had no contact from school. Absolutely no contact. Yes we tried to see if any files had appeared on the online school system, but absolutely nothing was sent from a teacher or teaching assistant. Where he found work, Hawklad submitted it but it always remained unmarked. He was due to sit a couple of exams at home but nothing arrived. Hawklad could have been sat playing computer games or walking round Disney all week and school would not have realised. There was a time when school asked each day for evidence that Hawklad was following the classes, an online register, but that was dropped.
I was getting stressed out about school, on top of getting stressed out about work, on top of all the stress which seemingly has become such a part of this currently mad world. Definitely stressed out. Going round in never ending stress circles. I had to break the circle so I found myself walking across a wild meadow. Still stressed out. Now the walk was stressing me out. I couldn’t stop worrying about stuff. Living in a world full of stress. Then a realisation, this is kinda like how Hawklad gets. Stressed out about everything. Not being able to break out of the entrapment. This isn’t healthy. So what do I say to him. Be happy. Remember the important stuff, remember the good things. We are NOT at home if Mr Worry knocks on the door. If you can do something about a worry then do it, don’t let it eat away at you. Find things you like doing, distract yourself from all the stuff you can’t do anything about and try to breath and have fun.
As I stood in that field, stressed out, I thought….
I really need to come up with catchier advice….
I do talk some rubbish…..
Easier said than done……
Why did I give up caffeine…..
But eventually I did actually follow my own advice. I drafted a work ‘I quit email’. I drafted a ‘Hawklad quits school’ email. That helped. Knowing I can just press one send button and two big headaches disappear. Ok it might create other other issues but at least they would be our created ones which we could better control. I also agreed with Hawklad that if school can’t be bothered then STUFF waiting for them. We might as well do some day trips than wait in school if nothing is coming from them.
Now I’m a lot less stressed out. Yep, I should listen to my own advice occasionally.
The weather is unusually settled here. The garden water tubs are nearly empty. What is going on, this is Yorkshire….
Not much of the much advertised heatwave so far. It finally arrived on Saturday and went Saturday. It was a bizarre day. Started warmish. Then just after midday the wind dropped and the temperature rocketed up. The garden thermometer hit 30C. Don’t laugh but that’s as far as the thermometer will go. Guess where that piece of technology was made. It didn’t have to travel too far… Yorkshire clearly doesn’t go past 30C.
But then just 4 hours later. We were outside enjoying an ice lolly and suddenly the wind picked up and changed direction . Within minutes we had to go inside for warmer clothes. It was Yorkshire cool again. A 4 hour heatwave…….
If only other things were settled.
Work is a nightmare as we are losing staff through COVID quicker than ever. Apparently it’s over……
Village life is in uproar as there are tentative plans to build houses on one side of the small village. How many. Well for a village of about 100 odd buildings, the idea is to add another new 130 homes ….. I can sense the pitchforks getting sharpened……
Car. The thirsty car now costs over £100 to fill up with diesel. The home fuel oil tank costs nearly £1000 to fill up now. Living is getting crazily expensive……
School mostly has disappeared. The work provided has in many subjects just completely dried up. Have they run out of things to teach Hawklad. Talk about feeling cut adrift…..
Yes definitely could do with some of that settled stuff.
My favourite tree. Has been for over two decades now, everyday I see it from the garden, standing alone and proud. Surviving several lightning strikes and countless storms.
But today after all these years I discovered something special about that wonderful tree. A magical hidden secret…..
Hawklad sat an exam today at home. Two hours worth of work. I set him off and kept out of his way. No need for two teacher referees this time. I was asked to keep an eye on him to make sure he stuck to the exam rules. Deep sigh….. They could just ask him and he would straight away tell them the truth. On one trip to Switzerland I gave him a sip of a shandy drink. At the end of the holiday we went through Swiss Customs. We were asked if we had anything to declare. Hawklad immediately owned up to that shandy….
No I didn’t enforce the exam rules. He walked about. He finds sitting still difficult, not moving for two hours would be torture to him. He had some noisy crisps and really loud wrapped up mints. He talked to the pets. The key things he stuck to. He didn’t use any sources of help, he observed the time allocation. If only school exams could be this flexible.
So the hidden secret.
The other side of the much loved tree has a face…
An angry face. Can you see it.
Wow. How did I miss that. Just goes to show that you can never be certain that you know everything. But I do know that school exams are forms of legalised torture. Why do we do that to them.
I hated exams. Really hated them. I hated the time pressures. I hated the enforced silence. I hated having to sit still for three hours. I hated the weeks of revision (maybe days, ok maybe hours….) and I really hated realising that I had revised the wrong subjects. That unsettling feeling, gazing round at all the pens scribbling away frantically while my pen was being twiddled in my fingers as I waited for the brain to find just one relevant point to write down.
But I really hated the stress and anxiety which goes with exams. I would make myself ill with worry. I felt terrible. That can’t be healthy or good for a teenager.
Already Hawklad is starting to get significant worries from the impending mock exams. Really bad worries. He’s worried about struggling with understanding the time constraints. He’s worried about his handwriting. He’s worried about the alternative (trying to work with a scribe that he just doesn’t know). He’s worried about not being able to get the stuff in his brain out onto the paper. He’s worried about the pressure causing his dyslexia to return and nit being able to read the questions. He’s worried about having to sit still (he naturally paces around). He’s worried about sitting next to strangers. He’s worried about exam questions that remind him of his anxieties that have beset him. He’s worried about the silence and how that could spark anxiety meltdowns. I could go on but let’s just say the exams are getting to him.
How can all this pressure be anything other than harmful for someone who is battling serious anxiety and phobia issues…..
His main exams are in June next year, although he has to take a couple this year. So what do we do. I’m going to speak to his psychologist for advice but decisions have to be made. I’m not going to let exam worries get to him like they got to me.
A path frequented by farmers, dog walkers and intrepid Muppet Dads. A path that doesn’t seem to lead anywhere in particular. Meandering around hedgerows and the occasional isolated tree. One of those locations that you can so easily get lost. Definitely a great place to lose yourself. One day it might even be a cool place to find myself.
It’s been one of those days with too much thinking time. Plenty of thinking yet no real insight. No new paths opening up while managing to add more roadblocks to existing roads ahead. It’s been one of those days. Feeling like it’s one step forward, two back and a few too many sideways. That feeling isn’t much fun sat in the house.
But on a path across the hills, it just means more walking is required….
It’s been one of those pushing up hill days. School doing as little as possible. A flu jab that ended up being a magical mystery tour around an NHS property – the signs had blown over in a wind storm and countless potential jab recipients were walking aimlessly around a vast site like a scene from ‘Night of the Zombies’ or ‘The Teletubbies’. Then news that Hawklad’s mental health support is getting reduced again. Was supposed to be a couple of yours every week. Then it was reduced to 45 minutes every two weeks. Soon it’s going to 45 minutes every month. Just not enough resources to meet rising mental health needs amongst our young. It’s all about government priorities. Well at least he’s still getting some help, that’s something.
Finally time to relax a bit. Hawklad was watching an Adam Sandler buddy movie. He does make Hawklad laugh a lot. I watch bits of it as I caught up with some housework. Funny how housework doesn’t ever sort itself out.
The movie was all about a group of childhood friends meeting up now they were middle aged. I must admit it got me wistfully thinking about how life has worked out over the last few years. Single parenting, living out in the sticks, a pandemic…. All are the equivalent of the FRIENDSHIP Hulk Buster Suit. Seeing friends has been officially been BUSTED. In over 5 years I’ve had one meet-up with a friend which lasted 2 hours at a so called football match. What I would give now for a few of those Adam Sandler type friend meet-ups. Just his much I would give for just 30 minutes with my best friend. Sadly I bet I’m not the only one feeling this way. These are isolating times.
A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent. 