That’s called building right next to the river….

It’s taken over SEVEN years but finally it was time to sort through paperwork. Mounds of it. Her papers had sat largely untouched in and on the desk she used for work and in a huge old wooden cabinet which sits next to the desk. A large, heavy, immovable and very hard cabinet that is also just close enough to the room door that it’s caused many a bruise to my toes and shins during those years. Prior to that, not so many bruises as this was her room and I hardly ventured in there.

Not enough room in this little bungalow to have an unused room anymore. So it was time….

I had always assumed this would be an emotionally draining experience but in the end it was an odd feeling. I really didn’t feel anything, it just kinda happened. Occasionally I came across a paper with a handwritten note saying ‘speak to xxxxx’, ‘need to look at’, ‘needs sorting’. She never did….. That was unnerving.

I did find a few things which I put to one side for Hawklad to keep. But the pile of papers to get rid of steadily grew into a mound, then a mountain. A mountain that a few days later became a fine garden bonfire.

One work note made me smile. Before we met romantically we worked for a while in the same public sector organisation. Given the amount of paper, she was a conscientious saver of all documents, even seemingly irrelevant work ones. I found a few policies that I had issued, WOW, even I didn’t keep or ever look at those. But one random work document had a simple handwritten note about ME. She had written that I WAS RESPONSIBLE….. That was it, nothing else. Does that mean that she was so impressed with me as shining, go getting manager that I was clearly a RESPONSIBLE person. Could it mean that I was responsible for an area or budget or decisions in something that she was interested in. Or could it mean that there had been a COCKUP and I had caused it. 😂😂😂😂

As I am no Poirot we shall never know. So in the fine traditions of Public Service, I made doubly sure that particular document was especially well incinerated. I’ve spent decades avoiding responsibility and I’m not going to start now.

The room is looking very different now. Space now found for my books, my records, my stuff. It’s starting to not feel like her room anymore. I certainly couldn’t have done this 7 years ago, but those rivers keep flowing and eventually life moves on.

41 thoughts on “River”

  3. I think the picture is a good example of erosion. I’m betting when the buildings were built there was a distance between them and the river, but over the years the building stood firm while the river moved closer and closer. Give them another century and the buildings will have tumbled into the river sans help.
    The river of life took her away from you and Hawklad, but you are still standing, so you are doing something right. Keep up the good work.

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      1. 30 yards in your lifetime is incredible. The ground must be very soft there, and the river very fast-flowing. Is the river getting wider, or is the soil just moving from one bank to the other?

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  4. This is beautiful, Gary. You took the time you needed and like the river flowing, now was your time to travel down that river. It’s comforting to hear you kept less than what was discarded. The bonfire seems like a nice cleansing and healing moment.

    And I can only guess that she meant you were a responsible person. We can all see that!

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  8. sounds like a tough job to do, or at least the thought of doing it.Hard to comprehend the mind bender it must’ve been all those years trying to both look at it and avoid it at the same time..( at least thats how i would imagine it)..

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  11. Some would say that it would have been “better” to force yourself to sort those papers out sooner even though it would have been difficult emotionally. But you had Hawklad to consider as well and all the issues of his education. I probably would have waited until it felt like it was time, as you did. My belief is that you should be guided by your feelings. I’m glad you were able to do it without too much pain,

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  12. This touched my heart. And that responsible im sure meant so many things she felt for you. I’m happy you took the time to go through her space but yes rivers keep flowing as your memories will flow with you. Keeping her in your heart.The place she has always and forever will be.

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  13. I’m glad to know you were able to sort through her papers as easily as you did. A sign of healing. I sometimes think about when my sweetheart eventually passes away and leaves behind mounds and mounds of stuff that we neither need nor use. He struggles to thin out possessions and to not keep buying more stuff just to buy something. And as much as I understand him and understand why he is the way he is, it’s frustrating to have so much stuff and not be able to locate something as simple as a box of my canning jars when I need them because he’s put them in the black hole of dumping grounds (I mean, our garage). Le sigh.

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  14. Five big bags of clothes got sorted yesterday, but that they were mine and I had kept hold of them for longer than necessary. It’s quite liberating to sort, finding a bit more space, but it has to be at the right time, especially if the things to sort hold memories and potential for emotions.

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  15. This was very moving to me. Clearing the space of a loved one can be hard. Your heart let you know that the time was right. I am happy to hear how well you handled it. The river photo is so appropriate for this post. The flow of water and emotions are not lost on the reader. Thank you for sharing.

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  16. I was grinning while I was reading this, especially the I WAS RESPONSIBLE part. I think you were right to do it when you felt it was right. Some times we do push ourselves to quickly. And the thing is, the ones we love are never truly gone. The living need to keep living, and she would be fine with it. I don’t know what you believe in, but she might even be “Finally! That room was a mess” lol

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      1. My Mum and Aunt are going through that. My Gran who has dementia, we had to put her in a home, because she was by herself and she lived FAR away. So when she had move, it was all so quick, that my Mum and Aunt chucked a lot of stuff they wish they had kept now =/

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